BSG 4x13 Parody

[tracy_loo_who]

Can I just state, for the record, that this was the most intense 43 minutes of television I have ever watched? And this week's ep will probably be even more epic, good god. BSG >> any other show I have ever watched, trufax. I may go all capslocky crazy over other shows, but this is the one that can make me sit, absolutely dumbfounded, for literally hours afterward.

OPENING SEQUENCE: *is still absent*

	ADAMA: Want some coffee? TIGH: Algae flavored beans make your breath smell. ROSLIN: Have you seen how often this man brushes his teeth? And anyway, it's okay because our breaths will smell together. TIGH: //_O ROSLIN: How's it goin', Colonel? TIGH: //_O ADAMA: Stop ogling my gf in a bathrobe. You won't see much even if you widen your eye to the size of two, trust me. I've got two. TIGH: Uh. As I was saying, we've got a problem. ADAMA: I'm tired of this. Have Lee take care of it.
	GAETA: Hi bb, I'm your get-out-of-jail-free card. ZAREK: You still haven't told Hoshi about us, have you? GAETA: No, I haven't. The guilt makes my stump hurt, but I am determined to be with you nonetheless. Hoshi doesn't do orgies. :( ZAREK: Lee won't join ours. GAETA: Come on, Zarek, exercise your button-pressing prowess on him, I know how impressive it is.
	ROSLIN: I don't care about the fleet's problems, except when I do. ADAMA: And I don't do passive aggressive, except when that bathrobe is pulled too tight for me to see anything. ROSLIN: You always do passive aggressive. ADAMA: And you always care about the fleet's problems. ROSLIN: Not when I'm cooking.
	GAETA: We need this raptor for secret orgy purposes. LAIRD: Didn't get the memo, let me ask the CIC about this.. GAETA: Haven't you noticed Zarek's ominous presence in the corner of the screen? You really shouldn't... ZAREK: You didn't get the memo cause you're not invited. Eat floor! *clobbers* LAIRD: *eats floor* SKULLS: Good riddance. Frakker's been up Adama's ass since he transferred in from Pegasus. FANS: We find your hypocritical display of loyalty ironic, all things considered.
	GAETA: Get on the ship. ZAREK: But first... GAETA: Look, Zarek, I'm not in this for the romantic moments, okay? Would've stuck with Hoshi if that were the case. ZAREK: Not even a little goodbye kiss to last us till we see each other again? GAETA: Get on that frakking ship! ZAREK: :| Fine.
	HOSHI: Hi love. :) GAETA: We shouldn't be on the phone at work.. HOSHI: Aww, what's the matter? You used to think it was romantic when I called you from across the room. GAETA: Romantic. Yeah, that's the problem. I just hope you can't see the guilt written all over my face from that far.
	QUORUM: Blah blah blah, blah blah blahhh! LEE: Shut the frak up! QUORUM: You can't make us, neener neener neener! LEE: I'm gonna tell Daddy on you guys... ZAREK: Hello, Lee. LEE: *has an accident*
	SAM: *plays with balls* SEELIX: Ha. SAM: I used to be pretty good at this, you know. Playing with my balls. Or anyone else's balls, for that matter, as long as they were the right type. SEELIX: Guess I wasn't the right type, huh? SAM: You don't have balls, you're a girl. SEELIX: Starbuck-- SAM: Has the biggest balls in the fleet. Well, the old man could give her a run for her money, but the president's got his. No competition. SEELIX: You may be right about Starbuck, but you're wrong about me. I'm actually a demon, and you're not the Sam who can exorcize me with your mind. SAM: Oh shit. OTHER DEMONS: 'Oh shit' is right. *clobbers*
	HOSHI: Not speaking to Gaeta right now. *sulk* Admiral! I've got a problem. ADMIRAL: Yes, Hoshi? GAETA: No, no, Admiral, pay attention to me. ADMIRAL: Kay. HOSHI: *sulk*
	KARA: You really are a hot dog, aren't you, Hot Dog? HOT DOG: Mine is one of the few you wouldn't know about. KARA: Eat table scraps!
	ALARM: GTFO. KARA: *doesn't, naturally* Wonder where those marines and civies are going.. MARINES AND CIVIES: *get orgy-gear* KARA: *gets her own*
	KARA: Hey Gaeta, I need to talk to the admiral, there's this orgy-- GAETA: *hangs up* KARA: Frak! Well, tough luck for the old man, but there's no way I'm gonna let Lee miss this one..
	LEE: Hey Gaeta. GAETA: Wow, everyone wants me today, huh? It's like you guys can smell the pheromones coming off me even when you're on other ships. LEE: Actually I just want to talk to my father. GAETA: Funny, your girlfriend tried that same line. *hangs up* LEE: Did he just turn me down? Me? I am so confused.
	ZAREK: Rejection is tough to swallow, huh? But don't worry, I'm here, and I'll push your buttons for you... LEE: It's good to see you, too, but no thanks. ZAREK: I'm good at button-pushing, you know. What's the matter? You go both ways. LEE: *licks lips* ZAREK: Knew it. No one can resist my button-pushing prowess. LEE: I'm going to leave just to prove you wrong, so there.
	GAETA: Shit's goin' down, yo. ADAMA: -_- TIGH: //_- What's that smell? GAETA: Oh, just my pheromones, I'm getting all excited cause it's starting..!
	CONNOR: We got you now, pretty. LEE: You are so not my type. And anyway I'm not so much into the whole bdsm thing this early in the morning. CONNOR: Ah, the things we're going to do to you... LEE: *throws up a little in mouth*
	KARA: Anyone who touches my man is dead. SKULLS: Frak you, we get first dibs. KARA: Eat bullet. SKULLS: *eats bullet* LEE: *has an(other) accident* CONNOR: Whoa. Her testicular endowment pwns mine to hell. LEE: *flees to bathroom*
	ATHENA: *has a nice, homely moment with Hera* SUNSHINE BOY: Think he'll let us in if we bang threateningly on the door? HELO: Oh look, someone's banging threateningly on the door. It would be pretty silly of me to take any measures against letting them in, though. SUNSHINE BOY: Well, since you didn't take any measures against letting us in, we're going to beat you up and take your wife and kid now, kay? HELO: You tricked me! >:(
	LEE: Zarek tricked me! >:( KARA: Perhaps a moment of intense, bloody, nose-smushing passion will cheer you up. LEE: nnngh? KARA: All we can count on is you'n'me, bb. So stop piddling yourself all the frakking time and remember that you're a military man. LEE: Having a gun in my hand and a Starbuck in my mouth does tend to bring it back, yes.
	SHOW: Starbuck/Apollo is back, bitches! (With tongue and everything.)
	HOSHI: Shit just isn't checking out. ADAMA: Jaffee, be my bitchboy and run down there real quick? JAFFEE: Anything for you, Sir. GAETA: Frak, this would've been so much easier if Hoshi was the orgy type.
	SUNSHINE BOY: I don't think it's careless at all to let you all be together in the brig. ATHENA: Karl! HELO: The first time you've ever called me by my given name and I'm not even awake to hear it. Frak. ATHENA: Sam! Since you seem to be in the best shape, why don't you come help me? SAM: Sure, no problem. At all. Seriously.
	SIX: They're after the children. And so am I. *cuddles Hera* ATHENA: I am strangely okay with this, even though you look more like the Six Hera drew in her book than the one with the brown hair, who I shot for so much as speaking to my daughter.
	JAFFEE: You've been tricked, Sir! GAETA: Come in, my pets! MARINES: We are not your pets, pffft. *open fire* JAFFEE: Couldn't I have picked a more attractive Last Expression Ever? Anyway, like I said, anything for you, Sir!
	GAETA: Stoppit! D: ADAMA: You killed my bitchboy! I liked him, he called me "sir" and everything. GAETA: Yeah, so did I, for seven years, and look where that got me. But now I've finally grown a pair. In fact, it's more like a pair and a half, I've got three balls now. ADAMA: You really wanna get into a pissing contest? With me? GAETA: Er. Well, on second thought, not really. Please take him away soon, kthnx.
	HOSHI: I know we had our differences, but I wandered around space looking for you and I thought you loved me. :( GAETA: I'm a dude with three balls. I love orgies more.
	GRATUITOUS SHOT OF STARBUCK/APOLLO: *is gratuitous*!
	ROSLIN: I won't even ask whose blood you're wearing, but they look like pimples. LEE: Mon, we're in trouble! ROSLIN: Bill... LEE: Yeah, Dad might be in trouble too. ROSLIN: I take a frakking vacation and this is what happens? Srsly? Men.
	GAETA: Time to see what having bitchboys of my own feels like. GAGE: *is bitchboy* GAETA: *basks*
	CHIEF: *is now the Chief of Baltar's Harem* BALTAR: I have no desire to leave you. None. At all! BALTARIANS: We believe you. Your face is the embodiment of sincerity.
	FANS: LOL, SHOW. BALTAR: Just for that, you can keep the statue.
	ROSLIN: I need Baltar. BALTARIAN: No, you can't have him! CHIEF: Hey, I'm the Chief here, remember? I'm holding the Wireless Communicator of Power! ROSLIN: ...I still need Baltar. CHIEF: But your man's in trouble. I have no idea where they took him to, but my guess would be the brig. FANS: Sounds like a pretty good idea to us... ROSLIN: Lee will take care of it, he's all grown up now, shoots guns and everything.
	LEE: Still working on my Batman angle. CHIEF: ...Didn't your mom tell you to go to your dad? LEE: Oh. Right.
	ADAMA: So, either of you bitchboys have a pair? BITCHBOY1: I...er... ADAMA: Wrong answer. *clobbers* BITCHBOY2: I've got a pair. ADAMA: Also the wrong answer. *shoots* TIGH: *doesn't answer the question* ADAMA: Correct answer. Let's go.
	ROSLIN: I know Chief's Wireless Communicator of Power is just a toy you gave him to keep him happy. I want the real thing. BALTAR: What makes you think I have the real thing? ROSLIN: You're a fraud. BALTAR: That makes a lot of sense. Takes one to know one. ROSLIN: So you admit it. BALTAR: Damn.
	GAETA: I did it, bb! ZAREK: But Adama's still alive. Tsk. GAETA: ...You are so much more demanding than Hoshi ever was. ROSLIN: Listen to me, bitches. GAETA: God? Is that that you? ROSLIN: No, it's me, your president, but I've got the Wireless Communicator of Doom, so I might as well be God. In any case, I'm in ur radio, stealin' ur bitchboys! GAETA: Gage! Think of the bitchboys! Hurry! GAGE: I am an incompetent bitchboy. :( GAETA: Godsdamnit. Fresh out of the bitchboy seat and now I'm back already.
	LEE: Dad! ADAMA: Good thing it's you guys, cause I didn't even have my gun aimed when I came 'round the corner... KARA: What, no hug for me? Say goodbye to your bitchboy, then. ADAMA: Don't shoot him! BITCHBOY: *flees to bathroom* KARA: He's not even your bitchboy anymore! ADAMA: :|
	LEE: I disapprove of your bff, dad. ADAMA: Leave Uncle Saul alone. TIGH: Don't worry, I can take him, even if he does have magical pimple-clearing powers. LEE: He is not my Uncle Saul. He's a frakking toaster! ADAMA: The term 'toaster' became politically incorrect after we formed that alliance. LEE: Frak the alliance. FANS: You were the one who declared it in the first place and shook hands with D'Anna, remember, bb?
	GAGE: Baltar wants to speak to you. GAETA: This bitchface would put even Sam Winchester to shame. BALTAR: This treason thing really doesn't become you, you know. Bad for the complexion, I always did love your smooth skin.. GAETA: We broke up, Gaius. BALTAR: Think of our secret ass-baby! GAETA: Goodbye, Gaius. BALTAR: :(
	ADAMA/ROSLIN: *eat face* LEE/KARA: *don't look* BALTAR: *does look* TIGH: *half looks* CHIEF: ...Dude, they're coming. (Thank gods.) GTFO. LEE/KARA: *climb unidentified ladder leading to unidentified room to do unidentified things* FANS: Bet we can identify a few of those things.. BALTAR: Despite having slept with half the fleet, I am, once again, the one with the meekest testicular endowment here. That said, let's go.
	TIGH: You stayed. ADAMA: You're my sine qua non, too. Here, hold my gun for a moment. TIGH: ...I can't believe you're interrupting our epic moment of manlove to fix your wedgie. ADAMA: Dude, admirals can't make their last stands with underwear stuck between their asscheeks. It's just not done. Especially since I'd have had to deal with it for a whole week. FANS: LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. D:

The end.

Comments

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Ahahha, those parts were less parody and more exactly how it went down, y/y? XDDD

!!!! OFF TO FIND, THANK YOU.

..I checked your LJ but cannot find the pr0n. :(

[lurkrealclose.livejournal.com]

Oh. No, I didn't write teh pr0n, I only reads teh pr0n. I is an active appreciater of teh pr0n.