BSG 4x13 Parody

[tracy_loo_who]

Can I just state, for the record, that this was the most intense 43 minutes of television I have ever watched? And this week's ep will probably be even more epic, good god. BSG >> any other show I have ever watched, trufax. I may go all capslocky crazy over other shows, but this is the one that can make me sit, absolutely dumbfounded, for literally hours afterward.

OPENING SEQUENCE: *is still absent*

	ADAMA: Want some coffee? TIGH: Algae flavored beans make your breath smell. ROSLIN: Have you seen how often this man brushes his teeth? And anyway, it's okay because our breaths will smell together. TIGH: //_O ROSLIN: How's it goin', Colonel? TIGH: //_O ADAMA: Stop ogling my gf in a bathrobe. You won't see much even if you widen your eye to the size of two, trust me. I've got two. TIGH: Uh. As I was saying, we've got a problem. ADAMA: I'm tired of this. Have Lee take care of it.
	GAETA: Hi bb, I'm your get-out-of-jail-free card. ZAREK: You still haven't told Hoshi about us, have you? GAETA: No, I haven't. The guilt makes my stump hurt, but I am determined to be with you nonetheless. Hoshi doesn't do orgies. :( ZAREK: Lee won't join ours. GAETA: Come on, Zarek, exercise your button-pressing prowess on him, I know how impressive it is.
	ROSLIN: I don't care about the fleet's problems, except when I do. ADAMA: And I don't do passive aggressive, except when that bathrobe is pulled too tight for me to see anything. ROSLIN: You always do passive aggressive. ADAMA: And you always care about the fleet's problems. ROSLIN: Not when I'm cooking.
	GAETA: We need this raptor for secret orgy purposes. LAIRD: Didn't get the memo, let me ask the CIC about this.. GAETA: Haven't you noticed Zarek's ominous presence in the corner of the screen? You really shouldn't... ZAREK: You didn't get the memo cause you're not invited. Eat floor! *clobbers* LAIRD: *eats floor* SKULLS: Good riddance. Frakker's been up Adama's ass since he transferred in from Pegasus. FANS: We find your hypocritical display of loyalty ironic, all things considered.
	GAETA: Get on the ship. ZAREK: But first... GAETA: Look, Zarek, I'm not in this for the romantic moments, okay? Would've stuck with Hoshi if that were the case. ZAREK: Not even a little goodbye kiss to last us till we see each other again? GAETA: Get on that frakking ship! ZAREK: :| Fine.
	HOSHI: Hi love. :) GAETA: We shouldn't be on the phone at work.. HOSHI: Aww, what's the matter? You used to think it was romantic when I called you from across the room. GAETA: Romantic. Yeah, that's the problem. I just hope you can't see the guilt written all over my face from that far.
	QUORUM: Blah blah blah, blah blah blahhh! LEE: Shut the frak up! QUORUM: You can't make us, neener neener neener! LEE: I'm gonna tell Daddy on you guys... ZAREK: Hello, Lee. LEE: *has an accident*
	SAM: *plays with balls* SEELIX: Ha. SAM: I used to be pretty good at this, you know. Playing with my balls. Or anyone else's balls, for that matter, as long as they were the right type. SEELIX: Guess I wasn't the right type, huh? SAM: You don't have balls, you're a girl. SEELIX: Starbuck-- SAM: Has the biggest balls in the fleet. Well, the old man could give her a run for her money, but the president's got his. No competition. SEELIX: You may be right about Starbuck, but you're wrong about me. I'm actually a demon, and you're not the Sam who can exorcize me with your mind. SAM: Oh shit. OTHER DEMONS: 'Oh shit' is right. *clobbers*
	HOSHI: Not speaking to Gaeta right now. *sulk* Admiral! I've got a problem. ADMIRAL: Yes, Hoshi? GAETA: No, no, Admiral, pay attention to me. ADMIRAL: Kay. HOSHI: *sulk*
	KARA: You really are a hot dog, aren't you, Hot Dog? HOT DOG: Mine is one of the few you wouldn't know about. KARA: Eat table scraps!
	ALARM: GTFO. KARA: *doesn't, naturally* Wonder where those marines and civies are going.. MARINES AND CIVIES: *get orgy-gear* KARA: *gets her own*
	KARA: Hey Gaeta, I need to talk to the admiral, there's this orgy-- GAETA: *hangs up* KARA: Frak! Well, tough luck for the old man, but there's no way I'm gonna let Lee miss this one..
	LEE: Hey Gaeta. GAETA: Wow, everyone wants me today, huh? It's like you guys can smell the pheromones coming off me even when you're on other ships. LEE: Actually I just want to talk to my father. GAETA: Funny, your girlfriend tried that same line. *hangs up* LEE: Did he just turn me down? Me? I am so confused.
	ZAREK: Rejection is tough to swallow, huh? But don't worry, I'm here, and I'll push your buttons for you... LEE: It's good to see you, too, but no thanks. ZAREK: I'm good at button-pushing, you know. What's the matter? You go both ways. LEE: *licks lips* ZAREK: Knew it. No one can resist my button-pushing prowess. LEE: I'm going to leave just to prove you wrong, so there.
	GAETA: Shit's goin' down, yo. ADAMA: -_- TIGH: //_- What's that smell? GAETA: Oh, just my pheromones, I'm getting all excited cause it's starting..!
	CONNOR: We got you now, pretty. LEE: You are so not my type. And anyway I'm not so much into the whole bdsm thing this early in the morning. CONNOR: Ah, the things we're going to do to you... LEE: *throws up a little in mouth*
	KARA: Anyone who touches my man is dead. SKULLS: Frak you, we get first dibs. KARA: Eat bullet. SKULLS: *eats bullet* LEE: *has an(other) accident* CONNOR: Whoa. Her testicular endowment pwns mine to hell. LEE: *flees to bathroom*
	ATHENA: *has a nice, homely moment with Hera* SUNSHINE BOY: Think he'll let us in if we bang threateningly on the door? HELO: Oh look, someone's banging threateningly on the door. It would be pretty silly of me to take any measures against letting them in, though. SUNSHINE BOY: Well, since you didn't take any measures against letting us in, we're going to beat you up and take your wife and kid now, kay? HELO: You tricked me! >:(
	LEE: Zarek tricked me! >:( KARA: Perhaps a moment of intense, bloody, nose-smushing passion will cheer you up. LEE: nnngh? KARA: All we can count on is you'n'me, bb. So stop piddling yourself all the frakking time and remember that you're a military man. LEE: Having a gun in my hand and a Starbuck in my mouth does tend to bring it back, yes.
	SHOW: Starbuck/Apollo is back, bitches! (With tongue and everything.)
	HOSHI: Shit just isn't checking out. ADAMA: Jaffee, be my bitchboy and run down there real quick? JAFFEE: Anything for you, Sir. GAETA: Frak, this would've been so much easier if Hoshi was the orgy type.
	SUNSHINE BOY: I don't think it's careless at all to let you all be together in the brig. ATHENA: Karl! HELO: The first time you've ever called me by my given name and I'm not even awake to hear it. Frak. ATHENA: Sam! Since you seem to be in the best shape, why don't you come help me? SAM: Sure, no problem. At all. Seriously.
	SIX: They're after the children. And so am I. *cuddles Hera* ATHENA: I am strangely okay with this, even though you look more like the Six Hera drew in her book than the one with the brown hair, who I shot for so much as speaking to my daughter.
	JAFFEE: You've been tricked, Sir! GAETA: Come in, my pets! MARINES: We are not your pets, pffft. *open fire* JAFFEE: Couldn't I have picked a more attractive Last Expression Ever? Anyway, like I said, anything for you, Sir!
	GAETA: Stoppit! D: ADAMA: You killed my bitchboy! I liked him, he called me "sir" and everything. GAETA: Yeah, so did I, for seven years, and look where that got me. But now I've finally grown a pair. In fact, it's more like a pair and a half, I've got three balls now. ADAMA: You really wanna get into a pissing contest? With me? GAETA: Er. Well, on second thought, not really. Please take him away soon, kthnx.
	HOSHI: I know we had our differences, but I wandered around space looking for you and I thought you loved me. :( GAETA: I'm a dude with three balls. I love orgies more.
	GRATUITOUS SHOT OF STARBUCK/APOLLO: *is gratuitous*!
	ROSLIN: I won't even ask whose blood you're wearing, but they look like pimples. LEE: Mon, we're in trouble! ROSLIN: Bill... LEE: Yeah, Dad might be in trouble too. ROSLIN: I take a frakking vacation and this is what happens? Srsly? Men.
	GAETA: Time to see what having bitchboys of my own feels like. GAGE: *is bitchboy* GAETA: *basks*
	CHIEF: *is now the Chief of Baltar's Harem* BALTAR: I have no desire to leave you. None. At all! BALTARIANS: We believe you. Your face is the embodiment of sincerity.
	FANS: LOL, SHOW. BALTAR: Just for that, you can keep the statue.
	ROSLIN: I need Baltar. BALTARIAN: No, you can't have him! CHIEF: Hey, I'm the Chief here, remember? I'm holding the Wireless Communicator of Power! ROSLIN: ...I still need Baltar. CHIEF: But your man's in trouble. I have no idea where they took him to, but my guess would be the brig. FANS: Sounds like a pretty good idea to us... ROSLIN: Lee will take care of it, he's all grown up now, shoots guns and everything.
	LEE: Still working on my Batman angle. CHIEF: ...Didn't your mom tell you to go to your dad? LEE: Oh. Right.
	ADAMA: So, either of you bitchboys have a pair? BITCHBOY1: I...er... ADAMA: Wrong answer. *clobbers* BITCHBOY2: I've got a pair. ADAMA: Also the wrong answer. *shoots* TIGH: *doesn't answer the question* ADAMA: Correct answer. Let's go.
	ROSLIN: I know Chief's Wireless Communicator of Power is just a toy you gave him to keep him happy. I want the real thing. BALTAR: What makes you think I have the real thing? ROSLIN: You're a fraud. BALTAR: That makes a lot of sense. Takes one to know one. ROSLIN: So you admit it. BALTAR: Damn.
	GAETA: I did it, bb! ZAREK: But Adama's still alive. Tsk. GAETA: ...You are so much more demanding than Hoshi ever was. ROSLIN: Listen to me, bitches. GAETA: God? Is that that you? ROSLIN: No, it's me, your president, but I've got the Wireless Communicator of Doom, so I might as well be God. In any case, I'm in ur radio, stealin' ur bitchboys! GAETA: Gage! Think of the bitchboys! Hurry! GAGE: I am an incompetent bitchboy. :( GAETA: Godsdamnit. Fresh out of the bitchboy seat and now I'm back already.
	LEE: Dad! ADAMA: Good thing it's you guys, cause I didn't even have my gun aimed when I came 'round the corner... KARA: What, no hug for me? Say goodbye to your bitchboy, then. ADAMA: Don't shoot him! BITCHBOY: *flees to bathroom* KARA: He's not even your bitchboy anymore! ADAMA: :|
	LEE: I disapprove of your bff, dad. ADAMA: Leave Uncle Saul alone. TIGH: Don't worry, I can take him, even if he does have magical pimple-clearing powers. LEE: He is not my Uncle Saul. He's a frakking toaster! ADAMA: The term 'toaster' became politically incorrect after we formed that alliance. LEE: Frak the alliance. FANS: You were the one who declared it in the first place and shook hands with D'Anna, remember, bb?
	GAGE: Baltar wants to speak to you. GAETA: This bitchface would put even Sam Winchester to shame. BALTAR: This treason thing really doesn't become you, you know. Bad for the complexion, I always did love your smooth skin.. GAETA: We broke up, Gaius. BALTAR: Think of our secret ass-baby! GAETA: Goodbye, Gaius. BALTAR: :(
	ADAMA/ROSLIN: *eat face* LEE/KARA: *don't look* BALTAR: *does look* TIGH: *half looks* CHIEF: ...Dude, they're coming. (Thank gods.) GTFO. LEE/KARA: *climb unidentified ladder leading to unidentified room to do unidentified things* FANS: Bet we can identify a few of those things.. BALTAR: Despite having slept with half the fleet, I am, once again, the one with the meekest testicular endowment here. That said, let's go.
	TIGH: You stayed. ADAMA: You're my sine qua non, too. Here, hold my gun for a moment. TIGH: ...I can't believe you're interrupting our epic moment of manlove to fix your wedgie. ADAMA: Dude, admirals can't make their last stands with underwear stuck between their asscheeks. It's just not done. Especially since I'd have had to deal with it for a whole week. FANS: LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. D:

The end.

Comments

[airings.livejournal.com]

Brb, dying of lol.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

LOL Lee always makes the best faces. ♥

[pennyfeline.livejournal.com]

I can't even quote my favorites this time, because I was laughing from start to end. And then you had to bring the wedgie thing. *dead*

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Hahahha, seriously, what was he doing in that shot? :)) :)) :))

[lurkrealclose.livejournal.com]

WIN! Too many funny things to even quote them all, I loved all the bitchboys and the Wireless Communicators of Power and Doom, and GRATUITOUS SHOT OF STARBUCK/APOLLO: *is gratuitous*!

Bwahahahahahahaha! ROFLMAO!

[tracy.livejournal.com]

*grins like drunk!Kara*! I am so thrilled you enjoyed this so much! Almost as thrilled as I was about all the gratuitous Starbuck/Apollo, hahahaha. THANK YOU! :D :D :D

[utkari02.livejournal.com]

OMG LOVE. I so needed this. :D You are brilliant.

Best bits:

TIGH: //_O

KARA: Anyone who touches my man is dead.
SKULLS: Frak you, we get first dibs.
KARA: Eat bullet.
SKULLS: *eats bullet*

KARA: All we can count on is you'n'me, bb. So stop piddling yourself all the frakking time and remember that you're a military man.
LEE: Having a gun in my hand and a Starbuck in my mouth does tend to bring it back, yes.

SHOW: Starbuck/Apollo is back, bitches! (With tongue and everything.)

GRATUITOUS SHOT OF STARBUCK/APOLLO: *is gratuitous*!

ROSLIN: Listen to me, bitches.
GAETA: God? Is that that you?
ROSLIN: No, it's me, your president, but I've got the Wireless Communicator of Doom, so I might as well be God. In any case, I'm in ur radio, stealin' ur bitchboys!

ADAMA/ROSLIN: *eat face*
LEE/KARA: *don't look*
BALTAR: *does look*
TIGH: *half looks*
CHIEF: ...Dude, they're coming. (Thank gods.) GTFO.
LEE/KARA: *climb unidentified ladder leading to unidentified room to do unidentified things*
FANS: Bet we can identify a few of those things..
BALTAR: Despite having slept with half the fleet, I am, once again, the one with the meekest testicular endowment here. That said, let's go.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Heeee, THANK YOU!

I see I'm not the only one who enjoyed the Starbuck/Apollo so much, yay! Grinning so, so much right now. XD

[elzed.livejournal.com]

The wedgie was genius.

Oh, I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH OMG AND THE BASTARDS ARE BRINGING ON THE A GAME SO WE WILL MISS IT LIKE CRAZY WHEN IT'S GONE.

Except that everyone will probably be all dead. Sigh.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Ahahha, as amazing a scene as that was, I couldn't help snickering a bit at that..

JFKD;SALFS NO, NO, I CANNOT EVEN THINK ABOUT "WHEN IT'S GONE" RIGHT NOW. D: D: D: Except, yes, of course we'll all be dead, and that will be a mercy.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Ahahahha, making fun of Tigh's eye (and lack thereof) will never not be funny. :))

[wicked-g.livejournal.com]

SEELIX: You may be right about Starbuck, but you're wrong about me. I'm actually a demon, and you're not the Sam who can exorcize me with your mind.
SAM: Oh shit.

DUDE. HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS??? Seriously. So should have seen it. I feel utterly ashamed of being a SPN and BSG fangirl now. ASHAMED.

[xmaidelx.livejournal.com]

As you should be.



As you should be.

[anastashial.livejournal.com]

Crazy as always Tracy.

Thanks bunches.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Hahaha god, I know, there's something wrong with me, but I'm enjoying the hell out of it and I'm glad you are too! Thank you! :D

[xmaidelx.livejournal.com]

I LOVE THIS.

I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. AT ALL.

Ok, can I bug you and borrow some of these lines to put on icons with credit?

Particularly the "//_O" and "BITCHBOY: *flees to bathroom*" lines.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Wheeee, I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR HAVING MADE YOU LAUGH. ♥!

I don't mind at all! In fact, I'm actually pretty flattered, heh. :">!

[solestella.livejournal.com]

I laughed so hard I had an "accident" like Lee o_O

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha I am sorry. Care for some toilet paper? :D

[murry-duck.livejournal.com]

ITA best bits ~

TIGH: //_O

KARA: Anyone who touches my man is dead.
SKULLS: Frak you, we get first dibs.
KARA: Eat bullet.
SKULLS: *eats bullet*

KARA: All we can count on is you'n'me, bb. So stop piddling yourself all the frakking time and remember that you're a military man.
LEE: Having a gun in my hand and a Starbuck in my mouth does tend to bring it back, yes.

SHOW: Starbuck/Apollo is back, bitches! (With tongue and everything.)

GRATUITOUS SHOT OF STARBUCK/APOLLO: *is gratuitous*!

ROSLIN: Listen to me, bitches.
GAETA: God? Is that that you?
ROSLIN: No, it's me, your president, but I've got the Wireless Communicator of Doom, so I might as well be God. In any case, I'm in ur radio, stealin' ur bitchboys!

ADAMA/ROSLIN: *eat face*
LEE/KARA: *don't look*
BALTAR: *does look*
TIGH: *half looks*
CHIEF: ...Dude, they're coming. (Thank gods.) GTFO.
LEE/KARA: *climb unidentified ladder leading to unidentified room to do unidentified things*
FANS: Bet we can identify a few of those things..
BALTAR: Despite having slept with half the fleet, I am, once again, the one with the meekest testicular endowment here. That said, let's go.



*still dying* Oh gods my sides hurt!

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Haaa, I'm glad you liked those bits too, thank you so much! :D :D :D

[firstlady1408.livejournal.com]

LMFAO...*ON THE FLOOR*

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Heee, I am strangely proud of myself. XD \o/ THANK YOU!

[csm37.livejournal.com]

Love these recaps of yours! And finally someone points out the blonde!six cuddling Hera - I've haven't seen comments anywhere after the awesomeness that was The Oath about this topic. Poor Natalie, killed just for stopping to say Hi! And on the topic of Hera, is she ever going to speak? And when she does, is that when we'll know the world has finally ended?

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Yay, thank you! \o/ Seriously, I was just waiting for Athena to flip out on her. She may not have had a gun on her, but no reaction at all? Really? :P

Hahahha I think Hera said "bye bye" once to Athena, right before she ran off and found Natalie? It was creepy. :P

[mordyn4]

I saw this ep while intoxicated, which turned out to be a bad idea - it's lucky I have you to explain about the orgy plotline.

SIX: They're after the children. And so am I. *cuddles Hera*
ATHENA: I am strangely okay with this, even though you look more like the Six Hera drew in her book than the one with the brown hair, who I shot for so much as speaking to my daughter.

I know, right? WTF.

GAGE: I am an incompetent bitchboy. :(
GAETA: Godsdamnit. Fresh out of the bitchboy seat and now I'm back already.

Hahahah, that scene busted me up.

BALTAR: Think of our secret ass-baby!

Totally canon.

ADAMA: You're my sine qua non, too. Here, hold my gun for a moment.
TIGH: ...I can't believe you're interrupting our epic moment of manlove to fix your wedgie.

*dies* I was too imbibed to notice how weird that was but I remember seeing it. :P :P :P

Watching it again, sober!

[tracy.livejournal.com]

LOL. ♥♥♥

To be honest I was a bit tipsy the first time I watched the episode too, but nowhere near as much as you sound. Certainly makes it more fun to watch it again, though, and pick up on little things I missed.

Heee, I am so pleased you liked this, thanks! :D And enjoy the episode (again)!

[nomorefrostbite.livejournal.com]

GAETA: Oh, just my pheromones, I'm getting all excited cause it's starting..!

FACT.♥♥♥♥♥

[tracy.livejournal.com]

GAETA'S SEXINESS IS CANON INDEED. :D

[altorogue.livejournal.com]

ATHENA: I am strangely okay with this, even though you look more like the Six Hera drew in her book than the one with the brown hair, who I shot for so much as speaking to my daughter.

YES. PLEASE. THANK YOU.

FANS: You were the one who declared it in the first place and shook hands with D'Anna, remember, bb?

HIS BRAIN IS LIKE SWISS CHEESE.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Hahahha, some things make me facepalm so much, but I'm willing to overlook it on account of all the awesome. XD

[raetehytan.livejournal.com]

lol forever @ "the guilt makes my stump hurt"

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Gaeta/Hoshi is so tragic. :))

[dramaturgca.livejournal.com]

Oh the pilot!love. The epic epic pilot love. Even people (weirdos) who don't love Starbuck/Apollo love this episode.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

There exist people who don't love Starbuck/Apollo? //_O

[thistleandfi.livejournal.com]

OMG I'm dying of the lols! *wipes tears*

bloody f'n brilliant :D

LEE/KARA: *climb unidentified ladder leading to unidentified room to do unidentified things*
FANS: Bet we can identify a few of those things..
there was so much good stuff but this made me totes SSWA!

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Heeee, thank you SO MUCH, I'm so thrilled you enjoyed this! I had a lot of fun writing it, almost as much fun as Lee and Kara had. ;)

[aurora-0811.livejournal.com]

*picks self up off floor* OMFG...you win at life. Hilarious from start to finish. LOL

Bitchboy is now my favorite word of the week.

Love this so frakking hard!

ADAMA/ROSLIN: *eat face*
LEE/KARA: *don't look*
BALTAR: *does look*
TIGH: *half looks*
CHIEF: ...Dude, they're coming. (Thank gods.) GTFO.
LEE/KARA: *climb unidentified ladder leading to unidentified room to do unidentified things*
FANS: Bet we can identify a few of those things..
BALTAR: Despite having slept with half the fleet, I am, once again, the one with the meekest testicular endowment here. That said, let's go.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

\o/ Hurray, I'm so happy you enjoyed this so much! Thank you! :D :D

Ahahha, that was one of my favorite scenes from the ep, so naturally it was one of the easiest to make fun of. :))

[your-downfall.livejournal.com]

BALTARIANS: We believe you. Your face is the embodiment of sincerity.
Hahahahahaha. My favourite part, hands down!

[tracy.livejournal.com]

I will never stop wanting to make fun of Baltar's expressions. :)) ♥ Thank you!

[mrs-addison.livejournal.com]

I'm literally sitting here at the computer laughing to myself. I'm sure my family thinks I'm nutty. haha :D

Another great one! *high fives*

[tracy.livejournal.com]

I don't mind when people think I'm nutty cause I am. ;)

Yay, thank you so much! *high fives*!

[schrodingersbat.livejournal.com]

SEELIX: You may be right about Starbuck, but you're wrong about me. I'm actually a demon, and you're not the Sam who can exorcize me with your mind.
SAM: Oh shit.

I love you for this. Seriously.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

\o/ I get SO EXCITED when people recognize and love the SPN references! Yay, thank you! :D :D :D

[lily-winterwood.livejournal.com]

Oh my frakking gods this is pure genius.

Loved the whole "God, is that you?" part. Roslin is definetly kicking ass and taking names.

[tracy.livejournal.com]

*G* Thank you so much, yay! :D :D

I definitely missed kick-ass!Laura and I'm glad it didn't take her longer to get her shit back together!

[unicornvamp3z.livejournal.com]

LEE: Did he just turn me down? Me? I am so confused. -- THAT RIGHT THERE. YES.
GAETA: This bitchface would put even Sam Winchester to shame. -- NO WAIT, THAT.
I am dying right now, thank you :D

[tracy.livejournal.com]

Ahahha, I am absolutely tickled you liked those bits so much! *G* Thank you!