Fic: And I Will Walk On Water (16/18)
Nov. 7th, 2009 03:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tracy_loo_whoThis fic is now officially over 100k words, omg. T_T
Title: And I Will Walk On Water (16/18)
Characters: Dean and Castiel, Sam, Bobby
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~8,300
Notes: Extraordinarily diligent beta by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ibroketuesday, as ever. ♥
Summary: In which Dean deals with nonexistent relationship issues and the rating finally goes up. \o/
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15
Waking up in Castiel's lap was one of the more beautiful moments in Dean's life. Of course, he'd have admitted to having a panties fetish before voicing this out loud, but Castiel didn't seem to need to be told. There was something soft about the edges of his expression as he looked down at Dean, and when he asked, "Ready to go back?" Dean didn't doubt that it was an honest question and that Castiel would let him stay for a bit longer if he wanted to.
He did want to, of course, but it was almost noon where they were, so Sam and Bobby were probably awake already and wondering why the hell he still hadn't made it back. "Yeah, alright," Dean sighed as he stood.
When Castiel got to his feet and raised two fingers to his forehead, though, Dean couldn't resist catching his hand and leaning in to brush his lips against Castiel's. The fingers of his other hand came up to rest against Castiel's cheek and he only kissed him once, softly and briefly, just to assure himself that it hadn't all been a dream and that he was still allowed to. Castiel's eyelids fell halfway and he kissed Dean back quite sweetly, really, but then they were pulling away from each other and standing on Bobby's front porch again.
Dean put a semi-respectable distance between himself and Castiel before knocking on the door, and it was Sam who answered it. Then came another of the more beautiful moments in Dean's life, though this one was different. Dean had to hold in his mirth at the way Sam said brightly, "Cas! Glad you're back," and stepped toward him and hesitated before finally giving Castiel a very loose, very awkward hug.
Castiel was dwarfed by him and hugged Sam back every bit as awkwardly, but Dean could hear the pleased surprise in his voice as he said, "Hello, Sam."
Sam seemed faintly embarrassed when he pulled away, but Bobby saved him by appearing in the doorway, eyeing Castiel up, and saying, "Don't look at me, I already had to hug this one yesterday." He jerked his head toward Dean. "I've filled my idjit hugging quota for the week." Castiel looked like he couldn't quite fathom Bobby, and Dean had to hide a smile.
Then Bobby turned to him and asked, "So you got your angel back. What now?"
Dean's eyes immediately flickered to Castiel, but he didn't let them linger because both Sam and Bobby were watching him closely. The truth was, he hadn't thought any further than this, and now he hesitated.
"Lucifer will be hunting all of us," Castiel answered in his stead, looking from Dean to Sam. "But especially me. You two should stay here, and I'll--"
"No," Dean said, automatically revolting against the idea of letting Castiel go again right after he'd gotten him back against all odds. "We're staying together."
"Dean," Castiel said patiently, with the air of someone who'd been fully expecting the resistance. "You're safer here."
"And you're safer--"
"By myself," he cut in pointedly, "where I can move around freely without having to worry about you and Sam."
Dean closed his mouth, stung. The dreamlike quality of those hours in Africa evaporated completely, to be replaced by the cold heaviness of reality. Of course he hadn't expected some sort of happily ever after in which he got the girl (or the guy-angel, more accurately) and they drove off into the sunset together, but he hadn't thought that Castiel wouldn't even want to be around him. It was a bit like a slap to the face, and Dean was torn between asking him to stay anyway and letting his pride get the better of him.
Castiel must have realized how his words had sounded because he had the decency to suddenly look sorry, at least, but in the end, it was Sam who spoke up. "Remember what happened the last time we tried to hide out here for more than a few days?" he asked wryly. "We're not useless, Cas, and we don't need babysitting." Dean thought this was a little rich since Castiel had only gotten thrown down to Hell in the first place precisely because they had been useless and needed babysitting, but Castiel didn't point this out, and Sam continued, "We can still hunt things while lying low, just not demons who'll run to Lucifer as soon as we show our faces. You shouldn't be out there by yourself where no one will know if something happens."
For a moment Castiel contemplated Sam impassively, but then he nodded his concession. Dean got the impression it had more to do with regretting his earlier words than it had to do with what Sam had said, but he wasn't about to object. Castiel staying was Castiel staying regardless of the reasons.
But Dean didn't know how long it would last, and now, giddiness worn off, he came to the crushing realization that whatever glorious thing it was that he'd spent a few hours thinking he and Castiel were on the brink of, it had really been nothing more than a pipe dream. Sure, it was one he'd pined over somewhat pathetically for months now, but now that attaining it actually seemed possible, there was a whole slew of other things Dean had to consider.
For one, it wasn't just a fantasy anymore. It was reality, and in reality, Winchesters couldn't have these types of things even when it wasn't the end of the world. The apocalypse made them even more impossible now, and Dean couldn't change that through sheer force of will or desire because the universe didn't care how long he'd waited for Castiel to finally want him back. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten that.
For another, Dean was just out of his depth here. When it came down to it, he had no idea how to go about being in some sort of relationship with anyone, much less someone who he'd have to be so careful with. Dean didn't trust himself in the least to not fuck Castiel up, so surely it would end better if he played it safe now and stuck to what he knew, which was how to be Castiel's friend.
It should have been enough for him -- he'd promised Castiel once that it would be enough for him -- but still, looking at Castiel now, Dean couldn't quite stave off the helpless feeling that he was losing something he'd never even had.
***
He didn't try to kiss Castiel again after that morning. The three of them fell back into their old routine of living in each other's pockets day in and day out. They drove from town to town, worked cases, and Castiel sat in the motel room watching over Dean and Sam at night. The only difference was that they now kept away from the towns Castiel could sense demons in and hunted only vampires and shapeshifters and other things whose agendas weren't Lucifer's.
Dean and Castiel didn't get to spend much time alone, which Dean thought was just as well since Sam's presence was often the only thing preventing him from giving in to his urge to just press himself into Castiel's personal space and capture those lips with his own again. Dean got that urge a lot; when Castiel was looking at him, when Castiel wasn't looking at him, when Castiel was talking, when Castiel wasn't talking... The worst part was, now he knew Castiel would let him and would even enjoy it. Dean had to keep reminding himself that it wouldn't end well for either of them.
When they did get time alone, it was usually in the middle of an investigation or only for a few minutes at a time while Sam was in the bathroom, so Dean didn't kiss him then, either. They were back to just being close pals, and if they sat a little closer to each other than before or they were now more liberal with the casual touches than ever, well. Dean figured little things like leaning against Castiel on the couch or touching him lightly on the small of his back when he was being awkward around other people were innocent and harmless enough.
Except they were giving Castiel the wrong idea, Dean realized a week into it when they were sitting in a booth at a bar and grill with beers and waiting for Sam to wrap up his research at the city hall. Castiel sat down beside Dean as usual even though there was no one across the table from them, Dean slid his menu over so that they could both see it because Castiel never bothered to look at his own, and Castiel pressed his lips to the corner of Dean's mouth.
Dean turned his head to look at him in faint surprise. His heart was suddenly beating far faster than such a tiny, simple kiss warranted, and all he wanted to do was hold Castiel's head still and kiss him back, other patrons of the place be damned. Instead, he said quietly, "Cas, we can't."
Apparently Castiel hadn't gotten the memo, and now his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he asked, "Why?"
That was when Dean realized they'd never actually talked about it. He'd come to the conclusion that they couldn't be together like that and had somehow just assumed that it was an unspoken understanding, but Castiel obviously understood no such thing. "Uh," Dean said eloquently. He looked around self-consciously, but they were in a mostly secluded booth and no one was paying them any attention, including their waitress. Still, it didn't mean he wanted to be having relationship conversations here and now. Or ever. "We just can't, okay?"
Castiel's confused expression deepened, and the way he drew back a few inches and dropped his gaze had Dean feeling like he'd just kicked a puppy. He sighed and said, "Look, we wouldn't work."
For all that Castiel looked like he was contemplating this statement very hard, he couldn't seem to be able to figure it out. "What do you mean?" he asked eventually.
It really didn't look like Dean was getting out of this conversation, so he rubbed his face. "Remember what I said about not getting the people I care about mixed up with the people I, you know." He didn't really want to talk about fucking Castiel in such crude terms, and he especially didn't want to assume Castiel wanted to go that far at all, so Dean settled for making a vague gesture at the space between them. Castiel inclined his head in a nod, and Dean said, "Well, that still stands."
"You blurred the lines before," Castiel pointed out.
"I couldn't help it, okay?" Dean grumbled.
"But you can help it now?"
He scowled and looked away. "No, not really. But I've got to try, at least."
There was a pause, and then Castiel asked, "What happened to make you decide this was necessary?"
Dean rolled his eyes and couldn't quite believe he was about to tell an angel of the friggin' Lord about his relationship woes, but he figured Castiel deserved an explanation, at least. "Guys like me and Sam? We can't have relationships because they always end badly. Cassie thought I was lying to her about what I did and then couldn't handle it after she saw that I was telling the truth and left anyway, Jess died on Sam before he even had a chance to tell her about it but she likely wouldn't have taken it well either, and it's the same story with everyone else either of us have ever wanted. Except for Carmen, I guess, who wasn't even real, and the chick who was actually a werewolf and made Sam kill her." He paused and grimaced. "Then there was Ruby, too."
Castiel actually blinked several times in the silence that followed, very slowly, and said carefully, "You're afraid I will be unable to believe or handle your lifestyle and thus leave you, die, turn out to be fake, or become a werewolf or a demon?"
Put like that, it made Dean feel more than a little bit foolish. Of course a lot of those things didn't apply to Castiel, but that didn't mean he and Dean wouldn't end badly in some other way. "No, of course not," Dean snapped, "except yeah, you might die on me. You almost did. And you said yourself that Lucifer would be trying to hunt you down." He didn't say it out loud, but the cynical, paranoid part of him couldn't help but think it was only a matter of time before Lucifer got what he wanted.
"And you will be more upset the next time something happens on account of having had a more physical relationship with me?" Castiel tilted his head.
For a moment Dean's mouth hung open, ready to say something, but he found he couldn't agree, so he closed it again. He remembered vividly how upset he'd been when Castiel had been in Hell, and the truth was, he didn't think he could possibly get more upset, physical relationship or no physical relationship. It wasn't like he suddenly cared more about Castiel now just because they'd shared a few sweet, perfect kisses. Dean would be devastated if he lost his Cas no matter what, and no amount of holding back now would protect him from that. "No," he admitted slowly, "but still. It won't end well. Even if nothing else happens, I'll manage to fuck it up all by myself somehow." It had seemed convincing before when it had just been inside his head, but voiced out loud, Dean's protest was a weak one and they both knew it.
Castiel hadn't lost his look of confusion. Now he said uncertainly, "I think you're thinking about it too hard."
Dean gave a small, self-deprecating huff of a laugh and had to concede, "Yeah, okay, maybe."
This seemed to encourage Castiel, who leaned in close once more and looked up at Dean and asked, "We're... good friends, right? Close?"
"Of course."
"Then I don't understand how this," he said before a pause and a soft kiss, "will change that."
Dean's breath hitched a little and he searched Castiel's eyes for a reason to not believe him. Or maybe he was searching for a reason to believe him, because Dean wanted to, when it came down to it. He wanted to badly. He still wanted this badly. But what Castiel was offering and telling Dean it was okay to accept was so new it kind of terrified him, and all he could do was stare and barely remember to breathe.
By the time he spotted Sam heading toward them a minute later, Dean still hadn't come up with anything intelligent to say. So he finally dragged his eyes away from Castiel's, but before he could ask Sam what he'd found out, his brother slid into the seat across from them and asked, "What's up with you two?"
"Nothing," Dean said a little too quickly, and Castiel looked demurely down at their menu.
There was an awkward silence, and then Sam snorted, "Right." But he let it go anyway and went on to talk about the case until their waitress came back.
***
Sam was the one who checked in at their motel of the night, so when Dean walked into their room and discovered that it was actually two bedrooms with a small living area in between, he was a little surprised. He turned and arched his eyebrows at his brother.
Sam shrugged and gave him an expression that clearly said, What?
Dean rolled his eyes, shook his head, and went into one of the bedrooms where a large, queen sized bed awaited him. And Castiel, apparently. He snorted.
Of course Castiel spent the night in Dean's room, but he didn't seem to notice anything amiss and as usual, he sat beside the bed and made no move to join Dean. Since Dean hadn't quite decided yet whether or not it would be a good idea to have Castiel join him, he said nothing.
The second night this happened, Dean lay on his side and watched Castiel's profile in the darkness and thought that it would probably be okay, if Castiel wanted to share his bed. After all, it wasn't like they hadn't done it before. But Castiel gave no indication that he had any particular desire to, so again, Dean left him to sit through the night.
By the third night, Dean thought this arrangement was ridiculous. "The bed's big enough for both of us, you know," he said dryly. "And it's gotta be more comfortable than that lumpy thing you're sitting on."
Castiel glanced at him and canted his head to the side for a moment before he apparently understood the invitation for what it was. Another moment passed, and then he moved over to the bed.
"Whoa," Dean said. "Lose the shoes and trench coat first, Constantine."
Even though Castiel clearly had no idea who Constantine was, he did as Dean asked, draping the trench coat and even his suit jacket over the back of the armchair and removing his shoes. This time when he tried to get into bed, Dean scooted back to give him some space and a small smile. Maybe Castiel was right and Dean wasn't risking anything more by having him here, warm and close and touchable on the pillow next to his. It wasn't very scary and was actually a little like what he'd imagined, as a kid, that sleepovers with a best buddy he'd never had might be like.
Except he'd never imagined that his best buddy would stare so unblinkingly at him while he slept. "Cas," he said patiently. "I'm trying to sleep here. Can't you stare at the ceiling or something?"
"Yes." Castiel looked chastised and turned over to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling.
And Dean had also never imagined that he'd kiss his best buddy on the ear, but, well, he wasn't a kid anymore, and he figured one small kiss would be harmless. Castiel might have shivered a little at Dean's breath on his ear or he might not have, but his voice was steady when he said, "Good night, Dean."
Dean fell asleep to the thought that it was a good night after all, better than the last few.
He woke the next morning to the thought that he really ought to try harder to not press his hard-on against Castiel's hip in his sleep. But Castiel didn't tense up like he had last time, and when Dean opened his eyes, he was greeted with only faint amusement.
"Should I expect this every morning?" Castiel inquired.
Dean unwound himself from around Castiel and felt he should probably be more embarrassed than he was, if not for the morning wood then at least for the cuddling, but if Castiel wasn't uncomfortable about it, then Dean didn't see any reason why he should be, either. He shrugged. "Maybe. Sorry."
It wasn't until a bit later, when Dean was in the shower with one hand braced against the tiles and his body loose and sated under the spray, that he realized Castiel had said every morning like he meant to sleep with Dean every night. Despite any lingering concerns he had about where this might lead, the thought warmed him even more than the hot water did.
***
Sam picked up the habit of always asking cheerfully, first thing in the morning, a variation of how Dean's night had been or whether he'd slept well. Dean considered making up sordid details just to shut him up, but Castiel was always around, so he generally just settled for smiling broadly or winking at Castiel and ignoring Sam's question. Castiel didn't understand the implications, of course, but he seemed pleased enough about being smiled and winked at, so things worked out okay, for the most part.
Dean was even beginning to believe, slowly, that Castiel had been right when he'd said that things didn't have to change between them. They went through their days just as they had before, and Castiel rested beside him in bed at night, where they got to unwind by talking and laughing and stealing kisses until Dean fell asleep. Sometimes he slept a few inches away from Castiel, other times he slept curled up against him. (Eventually he even stopped bothering with the crappy heater excuse.) The longer it went on, the more Dean came to realize that contrary to all of his fears, this thing he had with Castiel was actually turning out to be one of the most simple and stress-free things in his complicated, stressful life, so he relaxed into it and tried not to think about it too hard. And if he woke with morning wood more often than not, well, Dean made up for not being able to touch Castiel as much as he wanted to by touching himself in the shower.
Trying not to think about it too hard didn't always work, though, because it wasn't like Dean could just stop worrying about Lucifer, especially when a group of demons arrived in town. Sam was adamantly against abandoning their case and running, so the three of them ambushed and killed the demons before any of them could get a word back to Lucifer, but it was far too close of a call for Dean's comfort. The last demon had almost escaped through a vent, and if they hadn't had an angel on their side, they would've been fucked.
The incident left Dean feeling a little high strung for the rest of the day, and when Castiel slid into bed that night and tried to kiss him soothingly, Dean pushed him away.
"This isn't going to last, Cas," he said flatly.
Castiel pursed his lips briefly and looked away. "What would you have me do?"
Dean didn't have an answer to that, so he asked instead, "Do you even know what they were doing in town? Were they looking for us? For you?"
"I don't know," Castiel admitted.
Dean made a small, frustrated noise and said, "We can't keep running forever, you know. Sooner or later, he's gonna catch up to us." Castiel frowned but didn't argue, which didn't make Dean feel better at all. "So what are we gonna do?"
Castiel thought about this for a moment before replying, "I believe you'd usually say something about going down fighting."
Dean wasn't impressed. Somehow, now that he had both Sam and Castiel and could occasionally almost feel content with his life, he didn't want to go down anymore, fighting or otherwise. He especially didn't want Sam or Castiel to go down. What he said instead was, "He's Lucifer. He'll barely even notice if we try to fight him."
"Perhaps the other angels will help," Castiel said calmly.
"Or perhaps they won't," Dean shot back. "What's up with them, anyway? You haven't even been in contact with them, have you?"
"No." Castiel shook his head. "I think my presence would only endanger them." Dean opened his mouth to argue some more, but Castiel spoke over him. "However, I think the movement against Zachariah and Lucifer won't have simply died just because I stopped leading it. There were already many others at the time, so perhaps there are more now."
"And what, you think they'll just show up if you give them a call?"
Castiel hesitated. "They may."
Dean wasn't convinced. "More likely you'll permanently deafen me and then Lucifer will gank you anyway," he said with a touch of snideness.
Castiel sighed and stared at him levelly until Dean looked away first. He was being unreasonably cynical and he knew it, but it wasn't like he was doing it to be obnoxious. He just didn't want to lose Castiel. And Castiel seemed to understand this, because after a moment he shifted closer and wrapped his arms around Dean. Of course, Dean tried to push him away again, but Castiel was a lot stronger than he was and when he really wanted to do something, Dean didn't stand a chance against him. He ended up with his nose smushed against Castiel's collarbone and his arms trapped between their bodies, and after a brief struggle he gave up and said mutinously, "Forced cuddling is not going to solve anything."
The words were muffled against Castiel's shirt, but he understood anyway. "I know," he said, sounding weary enough that the fight left Dean instantly. Secretly, he was glad Castiel was so impossible to fight because it gave Dean the excuse he needed to close his eyes in resignation and let himself relax into the embrace. Castiel didn't have any more answers than Dean did, and he couldn't really do anything more than Dean could, but he was trying, at least, and even though Dean wouldn't admit it, he was grateful for that. So he shifted to get more comfortable and let Castiel hold him, and despite himself and Lucifer and the rest of the world, he could feel some of Castiel's weird angel serenity start to seep in after a few minutes.
It became difficult to believe that Castiel could die at Lucifer's hands when he was right here with Dean, so close and so alive, and even if the forced cuddling didn't solve any problems, at least it pushed the problems away for a little while, beyond their little cocoon of comforters and safety. Dean almost wondered if there wasn't a tiny bit of mind whammying going on, but the thought no longer bothered him as it had before. He supposed that meant he trusted Castiel.
A few more minutes later, Castiel said quietly, "I wish the sound of my voice didn't cause you so much pain."
It took Dean a sluggish moment to remember that he'd made a comment about Castiel deafening him, but then he cracked a small smile. "It's alright, you can make it up to me by giving me ear massages."
"Ear massages?" Castiel echoed uncertainly.
Dean opened his eyes and lifted his head to look at Castiel. "Oh man, you've never gotten an ear massage, have you?" Castiel shook his head, and Dean perked up. "C'mere." Castiel was pliant now and let Dean maneuver him until he was on top, propped up on his elbows on either side of Dean's body and looking down at him curiously. Dean reached up and took Castiel's ears in his hands, thumbs running over the shells and rubbing them against his other fingers. "How's this?"
"Nice," Castiel replied, sounding pleasantly surprised, and Dean's smile grew when his eyelids began drooping in pleasure. For all that he'd been talking about Castiel giving him ear massages, he didn't mind that it had ended up being the other way around. Introducing Castiel to life's simple little pleasures was one of his favorite things to do, and good food had only been the beginning.
As Dean switched to massaging Castiel's ears with the heels of his palms, he tried not to worry about how much time he would or wouldn't have to introduce Castiel to all the other good things in life.
***
The next night, when Sam went to bed early and it was just the two of them watching TV on the couch, Dean reached over, took one of Castiel's hands in his own, and began giving him a hand massage. Sure, it had taken them a long time to get to this point, but now that they were here, Dean was discovering, to his own delight, that Castiel loved being touched even more than he'd previously thought.
But maybe Castiel hadn't known how much he loved being touched either, because just as he'd been surprised the night before at how nice his ears could feel, now he seemed surprised that he was enjoying the hand massage so much. He looked from where Dean was stroking his palm with his thumbs up to Dean's face, and Dean glanced sideways and gave him a little smirk.
The hand massage was meant to be something done idly while Dean focused on how badass Optimus Prime was and how inappropriately cute Bumblebee was for a giant robot (another of those things Dean would never admit out loud), but he found Castiel's hand far more fascinating than Transformers. Now that he was paying attention, he noted that Castiel had large hands -- a little bigger than Dean's, actually -- and even though they were softer and less calloused than Dean's, they were undeniably powerful, sturdy, man hands. They weren't bulky, though, which Dean liked, and the strength in those long fingers wasn't a brutish one. It was more graceful and dexterous than that, and Dean ran his thumb along each finger appreciatively. Castiel's knuckles were a little rougher and drier than the rest of his hand, and it was such a human imperfection that Dean found it strangely endearing. He rubbed circles around them, feeling Castiel's skin shift over sharp bones, and traced the slightly raised lines of his veins.
Dean was only distracted from admiring Castiel's hand when Castiel used his other one to cup Dean's face and turn his head toward him so that he could placed an open-mouthed kiss on Dean's lips. His breath was hot and it was a little more demanding than what Dean was used to from Castiel, a little more urgent than his usual fun, affectionate little kisses, but whatever the reasons, Dean was more than willing to go along with it.
Hand forgotten now, he flicked his tongue against Castiel's bottom lip experimentally, and Castiel didn't hesitate in mirroring the action. When he did it again, Dean was waiting. His tongue met Castiel's in a quick, playful lick, and when he drew back, Castiel followed. So Dean opened his mouth invitingly and coaxed Castiel's tongue inside, stroking it with his own until Castiel was ready to take over.
Castiel didn't seem to know what he was doing, precisely, but still, he was eager to do it. He dipped his tongue into the space below Dean's and trailed it up the side of Dean's tongue, then flicked it upward and ran it along Dean's teeth. He was just as careful and thorough with everywhere else and it was a little odd for Dean to have his mouth explored so diligently, but he liked it because it was Castiel, and his own tongue followed Castiel's and slid against it sensually.
The only problem was, Dean was already painfully hard not two minutes into the kiss, but he was pretty sure Castiel wouldn't want to go there. It was why he'd been keeping their kisses so light and chaste before now, because it hadn't ever meant to be about sex, and even now it clearly wasn't about sex to Castiel. He probably just wanted something more, something new, and he wanted it with Dean for the intimacy. But Dean was only human, after all, and a hotblooded, male human at that, so some things were out of his control.
When Castiel finally drew his tongue back and finished with a warm, lingering press of his lips against Dean's, Dean rested their foreheads together and took a slow, shaky breath. "I've gotta go shower," he said in a low, strained voice.
Castiel's eyes narrowed thoughtfully for a moment and he almost looked like he wanted to say something, but then he sat back to give Dean some space and withdrew his hand from Dean's cheek. Dean looked down and realized he was still holding on to Castiel's other hand, and that was an image he took with him into the shower a minute later.
It was Castiel's fingers that he imagined were wrapped around him, Castiel's broad, deft hand that engulfed him and stroked him steadily while his pleasure built. Dean pictured Castiel approaching this task with the same intense curiosity as he showed everything else, and he came hard to the thought of those unblinking eyes trailing up his naked body to stop at his face and soak in his expression. Afterward, Dean stood for a minute or two with his head bowed under the spray, panting lightly and savoring the aftereffects of his release.
Then he turned off the shower, toweled off quickly, and put on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. When he walked into their room, Castiel was already in bed, watching him closely.
"What?" Dean asked as he slid into bed beside him, and Castiel didn't waste any time before he was on top of Dean and pressing him into the mattress and kissing him soundly again.
"Whoa, easy there," Dean chuckled into his mouth, not quite ready yet after his own orgasm to match Castiel's fervor. Castiel pulled back just far enough to look at him, and Dean asked, "What's up? What do you want?"
"I," Castiel began, but then he pursed his lips and looked away, and Dean thought maybe he was even embarrassed.
He leaned to the side to catch Castiel's gaze again, and now he could see that Castiel's pupils were a little blown in a way they certainly hadn't been before. He couldn't look down between them to be sure because they were half under the covers, but Dean was pretty sure anyway. He arched his eyebrows. "Were you watching me in the shower or something?" Not that he was at all bothered by the thought. In fact, he quite enjoyed it. He'd gotten off to it, even.
Castiel licked his lips and tried to answer his earlier question instead. "I want..."
"Anything," Dean promised when he hesitated. As far as he knew, this was the first time Castiel had ever gotten aroused, and Dean really did want to give him anything he wanted.
But it didn't seem like Castiel was too sure about what that was, because all he said was, "Yes."
Dean took it to mean he wanted anything and smiled up at Castiel. "Alright," he said, wrapping his arms around Castiel and pulling him down for another kiss. "I got you."
Castiel relaxed into him and his lips parted against Dean's, so Dean slid his tongue into Castiel's mouth and tasted more than what he usually got of Castiel's clean, unearthly sweetness. Their tongues twined around each other, and one of his hands slid between them to tug Castiel's tie loose and unbutton his shirt.
He only got through one button before Castiel tensed and pulled away a few inches. "I don't want to be naked," he said, not quite looking at Dean and suddenly sounding uncertain and nervous.
Dean stopped in faint surprise and searched his face, but then he remembered that the only time Castiel had ever been naked before was when he'd been in captivity. It wasn't like he took his clothes off every day to shower or change or anything, so Dean supposed he could understand the nervousness. "Okay," he said simply, lifting his head off the pillow to kiss Castiel again, softer and more reassuringly now.
Then he lay back down on the pillow and Castiel tucked his head under Dean's chin, but even so, it took longer for him to relax this time, and Dean ran his hands over Castiel's shoulders and up and down his back and sides for a few minutes because this, at least, was familiar to Castiel. When Castiel lifted his head and arched his body into the touch a little, Dean took it a step further and smoothed one hand down the side of Castiel's thigh and back up along the inside.
Castiel bit his lip and held very, very still, eyes boring into Dean's with an almost desperate intensity that gave Dean the impression he'd bolt if they broke eye contact for even a moment. Dean stared back calmly and tried not to blink even as he hesitated himself, and he said said softly, "Tell me if you don't want this."
"I want this," Castiel said, and even though his voice was tight, Dean wet his lips and carefully cupped the bulge in his pants.
Castiel didn't react. It came as a small relief to Dean that he could stand to be touched there at all, and he grew bold enough to start rubbing gently. It seemed to be the only movement in the room for a long, timeless moment -- even their chests barely rose or fell on breaths -- but then Castiel was the first to break eye contact in a brief flutter of eyelashes.
"Dean," he breathed, a little shakily.
"Cas?"
"Yes," Castiel said, and Dean felt something in his heart expand at the trust in his voice. He smiled and used his other hand to pull Castiel down for another kiss.
Castiel arched into his hand, but Dean removed it momentarily to get his belt undone and his pants unzipped. For all that Castiel had seemed so daunted by where this was going a few moments ago, he now seemed relatively at ease when Dean slid a hand into his boxers and wrapped it around him. His movements weren't exactly smooth or sure, but Castiel wound his arms around Dean's shoulders and let Dean's free arm circle his body in return. Dean gave him a slow stroke, and Castiel made a soft sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a gasp.
Obviously Castiel felt slightly different in his hand and it wasn't what Dean was used to, but still, it wasn't nearly as strange as he'd thought it would be, touching another guy like this. Then again, this was Cas, and he was familiar enough to Dean that his body felt almost like an extension of Dean's own. Dean didn't notice the shape of it so much as he noticed the way Castiel was clearly beginning to enjoy what he was doing, and he didn't even have to think about it too hard because he already knew what felt good and the motions were instinctual.
He stroked, squeezed, and massaged Castiel slowly but firmly, until Castiel's body went utterly slack against his. Then it began growing taut again, but this was the good kind of taut, and every time Castiel's lips parted on a gasp, Dean muffled it by sweeping his tongue into his mouth. Castiel closed his eyes and kissed him back almost deliriously, and Dean thrilled in the knowledge that he was the one who was undoing his calm, quiet Castiel so completely. It wasn't too long before Castiel clutched Dean tighter, arched his body, and ducked his head to the side to bury his face against Dean's cheek. His breaths were hot and uneven against Dean's skin, and occasionally he panted hard enough that it came out as a short, broken moan. Dean turned his head to capture these in his mouth, and Castiel twisted his hips. They were now chest to chest and Castiel's body was pressed into his hard enough that it hindered movement in his arm somewhat, but Castiel made up for it by moving above him, using his arms around Dean as leverage and thrusting into his fist, over and over until he pulsed hard between them and came with a soft, shaky cry that Dean swallowed.
Castiel panted and trembled against him for a few long moments afterward, and Dean held still and kept his hand wrapped around softening flesh. His other arm was still draped around Castiel in a loose hug, and he simply held him or stroked his back, sometimes pressing soft kisses to his pliant lips, until Castiel's breathing returned to normal and his body stilled. When Castiel finally opened his eyes again, they were hazy and unfocused.
Dean smiled faintly and murmured, "Fun, right?"
Castiel's gaze focused a little and he didn't reply, but he seemed to be regarding Dean in some sort of a new light and Dean decided to take that as an agreement. His smile widened.
Then Castiel propped himself up on his elbows so that he was no longer resting his full weight on Dean. His eyes flickered downward and back up to Dean's, and then he began sliding down Dean's body, his intent obvious. The image of Castiel on his knees in front of him flashed through Dean's mind, and he could almost hear Castiel's voice telling him he was good at this. "Whoa, Cas, hang on," he said, and when Castiel paused to look up at him, Dean swallowed. Far be it from him to decline a good blow job, but the thought of Castiel sucking anyone off made Dean uncomfortable, given his history. And sure, Dean was half hard again, but it would have taken some work to get him to come a second time and he didn't want Castiel to work, not tonight. Tonight he'd given Castiel his first orgasm and Dean wanted to keep spoiling him and make it perfect, so he hooked his fingers in the loop of Castiel's tie and tugged him back up for another kiss. "You don't have to do anything, alright?"
"Reciprocation is generally expected," Castiel said, voice a little more gravelly than usual.
Dean rolled his eyes at Castiel's word choice but then shrugged and said, "This was for you."
Castiel thought about this for a moment and seemed to accept it, so he shifted to curl indulgently around Dean. Dean wiped his hand clean on a corner of the sheets and then lifted the comforter to eye the mess that was his shirt. He wrinkled his nose, nudged Castiel with his shoulder, and said sheepishly, "Actually, if you could do just one small thing, that would be kind of awesome."
Castiel huffed out a small sound of amusement against Dean's neck, and a moment later Dean was as clean as he'd been when he'd gotten out of the shower.
"You rock," Dean informed him with a grin. Then he tucked the comforter back around them both and settled down to sleep.
***
They didn't talk about it the next day, but when Sam asked how their night had gone, Castiel actually blushed faintly. Sam didn't notice, and Dean smiled inwardly.
It happened again that night, and this time Castiel touched him, too, hesitantly enough that Dean looked up and said, "Cas, if you're not comfortable with this..."
But Castiel only seemed more determined, and his grip grew stronger as he began mirroring everything Dean did. They were lying on their sides facing each other and their hot breaths mingled even though they weren't quite kissing, and when Castiel drew a small, quiet moan from Dean, he actually smiled faintly.
After that, it was easy for Dean to lose himself in this, in being like this with Castiel. After Castiel finished, Dean pulled him closer, buried his face in his hair, and came with his breath hitching on Castiel's name.
The next couple of evenings Dean was too exhausted to do much more than fall into bed and pass out, but then one night he woke to a full bladder and an empty bed. Castiel wasn't anywhere in his room and Dean frowned a little because his trench coat and shoes were still there, but there was no indication that anything had gone wrong while he'd been asleep, so he shrugged it off for now and headed to the bathroom. Most likely Castiel had just disappeared for a bit to wherever he liked to go and would be back before morning.
...Or, he was standing stark naked in the dark bathroom looking at his body in the full-length mirror that also served as a shower door, Dean discovered two seconds later.
He stopped in the doorway and couldn't help taking a good look himself at Castiel's profile. He'd seen him naked before, back in that prison cell, but now Castiel was whole and healthy, and he held himself squarely. He had a nice body, Dean supposed -- slender yet strong with broad shoulders, lithe muscles, soft swell between the legs -- but Dean's nether regions didn't perk up automatically like they were conditioned to do whenever he saw a nice female form. It was just Cas, and Dean liked him the same whether he was naked or not.
"For someone who didn't want to be naked before, you're awfully naked," he commented lightly.
Castiel didn't turn to look at him or even respond at all, only continued studying himself pensively in the mirror.
"Hey," Dean tried again, coming up behind him to wrap his arms around Castiel's waist. Castiel felt a little tense against him. "You okay?"
"Yes," he replied, and Dean waited to see if he'd say anything more. Eventually Castiel said softly, "I don't want to die."
Dean blinked in surprise, but then he remembered telling Castiel a few days ago that Lucifer would probably gank him. He mentally kicked himself. Castiel had been stoic about it at the time for Dean's benefit, but he had to be worried and scared too, and Dean felt kind of like a tool for not realizing this sooner. His first instinct was to assure Castiel he wouldn't let him die, but Sam promising him over and over again that he wouldn't let Dean go to Hell hadn't exactly made anything better, so now he just squeezed Castiel a little and told him, "I'm watching out of you."
Castiel went quiet for a long moment before he asked, "Do you feel exposed when you're naked?"
It was an odd subject change, but Dean took it in stride. He shrugged and replied, "I guess. Probably not as much as most people. It depends on who's around to see."
"But they don't really see any more of you when you're naked than when you're clothed."
"Maybe you don't think so, but humans can't exactly go around inspecting each other's souls like you can," Dean pointed out wryly. "This is all we can see."
Castiel bit his lip and then asked hesitantly, "Do you like what you see?"
It sounded like something a hooker would say, and Dean snorted but kept this to himself. "I'm not gay, Cas. I like you."
Apparently it was the right thing to say, because Castiel relaxed in his arms and even smiled at him a little in the mirror. "I thought it would be much worse," he confessed after a moment.
"Being naked?"
Castiel nodded. "But you were wrong too. This isn't all you can see."
"Maybe," Dean said with a shrug. "Maybe not. I dunno, man, all I know is that I'm half asleep and that I came in here to piss, not to have philosophical discussions in the dark." Castiel's gaze darted to the toilet in faint surprise, and Dean chuckled. "Go back to bed?"
"Yes," Castiel agreed. Instead of walking through the living area to their room, though, he simply vanished in a light draft a moment later.
Dean shook his head and went to relieve himself.
When he got back to their room, he brought the clothes Castiel had left draped over the sink. (That one would have been a little awkward to explain to Sam in the morning.) Castiel was in bed and, apparently, still naked, so Dean didn't think twice about pulling off his own t-shirt and dropping his boxers. If Castiel was still feeling exposed at all, Dean figured he'd feel more secure if he wasn't alone in being naked.
It was nice, Dean decided, sliding between the sheets to be met with Castiel's warm, dry skin. Comfortable. Castiel seemed comfortable too, lying next to him, so Dean didn't think more of it and let his bleary mind drift back to sleep.
***
The naked thing? Was even better the next morning when Dean woke to Castiel's hand between his legs, stroking him idly, like Castiel had been waiting for him to wake up and figured he'd fondle Dean a bit in the meantime. Dean pressed into him instinctively and reached down to find that Castiel was hard too, and Castiel's grip around him tightened a fraction.
It was different from being in bed with women, in more ways than the obvious anatomical ones. With women, Dean had to try. It was about using all the best tricks in his book to please them while being smooth and sexy and charming, and while that was undeniably fun, he found he preferred lazy mornings like this. There was no pressure here, just him and Castiel in a warm bed together, giving each other some mutual pleasure just because they could. They touched each other leisurely, and Castiel came first with a soft shudder. Dean pushed into his hand and came too, a few strokes later, and afterward they lay panting on the pillows in a messy tangle of limbs.
"Good morning to you, too," Dean said a little while later, with some sleepy, sated amusement in his voice. Then he hoped Castiel wouldn't mind his morning breath too much, because when Castiel smiled at him, Dean couldn't not kiss him.
The casual sexual gratification blended into their routine, and even though it didn't happen every day, Sam eventually seemed to figure it out because he stopped asking about it. Dean considered this a personal victory.
He tried not to mention Lucifer again, but he could tell it was always in the back of Castiel's mind. Castiel got restless if they stayed in one place for more than two or three days, and he always seemed just a bit too cautious wherever they went. Dean, on the other hand, felt they were doing a pretty good job of hiding from the devil, actually. Since Castiel's demon radar hadn't failed them yet, Dean was inclined to trust that they could count on it.
What he hadn't counted on was that one of Lucifer's human followers might be the one to sell them out.
It was a fucker they'd been trying to save, too, from a siren. He ran out of his bedroom when they ran in, and after they killed it, somebody began a slow clap from the doorway.
Dean whirled around and came face to face with Lucifer's triumphant smirk.
Part 17
Title: And I Will Walk On Water (16/18)
Characters: Dean and Castiel, Sam, Bobby
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~8,300
Notes: Extraordinarily diligent beta by
ibroketuesday, as ever. ♥Summary: In which Dean deals with nonexistent relationship issues and the rating finally goes up. \o/
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15
Waking up in Castiel's lap was one of the more beautiful moments in Dean's life. Of course, he'd have admitted to having a panties fetish before voicing this out loud, but Castiel didn't seem to need to be told. There was something soft about the edges of his expression as he looked down at Dean, and when he asked, "Ready to go back?" Dean didn't doubt that it was an honest question and that Castiel would let him stay for a bit longer if he wanted to.
He did want to, of course, but it was almost noon where they were, so Sam and Bobby were probably awake already and wondering why the hell he still hadn't made it back. "Yeah, alright," Dean sighed as he stood.
When Castiel got to his feet and raised two fingers to his forehead, though, Dean couldn't resist catching his hand and leaning in to brush his lips against Castiel's. The fingers of his other hand came up to rest against Castiel's cheek and he only kissed him once, softly and briefly, just to assure himself that it hadn't all been a dream and that he was still allowed to. Castiel's eyelids fell halfway and he kissed Dean back quite sweetly, really, but then they were pulling away from each other and standing on Bobby's front porch again.
Dean put a semi-respectable distance between himself and Castiel before knocking on the door, and it was Sam who answered it. Then came another of the more beautiful moments in Dean's life, though this one was different. Dean had to hold in his mirth at the way Sam said brightly, "Cas! Glad you're back," and stepped toward him and hesitated before finally giving Castiel a very loose, very awkward hug.
Castiel was dwarfed by him and hugged Sam back every bit as awkwardly, but Dean could hear the pleased surprise in his voice as he said, "Hello, Sam."
Sam seemed faintly embarrassed when he pulled away, but Bobby saved him by appearing in the doorway, eyeing Castiel up, and saying, "Don't look at me, I already had to hug this one yesterday." He jerked his head toward Dean. "I've filled my idjit hugging quota for the week." Castiel looked like he couldn't quite fathom Bobby, and Dean had to hide a smile.
Then Bobby turned to him and asked, "So you got your angel back. What now?"
Dean's eyes immediately flickered to Castiel, but he didn't let them linger because both Sam and Bobby were watching him closely. The truth was, he hadn't thought any further than this, and now he hesitated.
"Lucifer will be hunting all of us," Castiel answered in his stead, looking from Dean to Sam. "But especially me. You two should stay here, and I'll--"
"No," Dean said, automatically revolting against the idea of letting Castiel go again right after he'd gotten him back against all odds. "We're staying together."
"Dean," Castiel said patiently, with the air of someone who'd been fully expecting the resistance. "You're safer here."
"And you're safer--"
"By myself," he cut in pointedly, "where I can move around freely without having to worry about you and Sam."
Dean closed his mouth, stung. The dreamlike quality of those hours in Africa evaporated completely, to be replaced by the cold heaviness of reality. Of course he hadn't expected some sort of happily ever after in which he got the girl (or the guy-angel, more accurately) and they drove off into the sunset together, but he hadn't thought that Castiel wouldn't even want to be around him. It was a bit like a slap to the face, and Dean was torn between asking him to stay anyway and letting his pride get the better of him.
Castiel must have realized how his words had sounded because he had the decency to suddenly look sorry, at least, but in the end, it was Sam who spoke up. "Remember what happened the last time we tried to hide out here for more than a few days?" he asked wryly. "We're not useless, Cas, and we don't need babysitting." Dean thought this was a little rich since Castiel had only gotten thrown down to Hell in the first place precisely because they had been useless and needed babysitting, but Castiel didn't point this out, and Sam continued, "We can still hunt things while lying low, just not demons who'll run to Lucifer as soon as we show our faces. You shouldn't be out there by yourself where no one will know if something happens."
For a moment Castiel contemplated Sam impassively, but then he nodded his concession. Dean got the impression it had more to do with regretting his earlier words than it had to do with what Sam had said, but he wasn't about to object. Castiel staying was Castiel staying regardless of the reasons.
But Dean didn't know how long it would last, and now, giddiness worn off, he came to the crushing realization that whatever glorious thing it was that he'd spent a few hours thinking he and Castiel were on the brink of, it had really been nothing more than a pipe dream. Sure, it was one he'd pined over somewhat pathetically for months now, but now that attaining it actually seemed possible, there was a whole slew of other things Dean had to consider.
For one, it wasn't just a fantasy anymore. It was reality, and in reality, Winchesters couldn't have these types of things even when it wasn't the end of the world. The apocalypse made them even more impossible now, and Dean couldn't change that through sheer force of will or desire because the universe didn't care how long he'd waited for Castiel to finally want him back. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten that.
For another, Dean was just out of his depth here. When it came down to it, he had no idea how to go about being in some sort of relationship with anyone, much less someone who he'd have to be so careful with. Dean didn't trust himself in the least to not fuck Castiel up, so surely it would end better if he played it safe now and stuck to what he knew, which was how to be Castiel's friend.
It should have been enough for him -- he'd promised Castiel once that it would be enough for him -- but still, looking at Castiel now, Dean couldn't quite stave off the helpless feeling that he was losing something he'd never even had.
***
He didn't try to kiss Castiel again after that morning. The three of them fell back into their old routine of living in each other's pockets day in and day out. They drove from town to town, worked cases, and Castiel sat in the motel room watching over Dean and Sam at night. The only difference was that they now kept away from the towns Castiel could sense demons in and hunted only vampires and shapeshifters and other things whose agendas weren't Lucifer's.
Dean and Castiel didn't get to spend much time alone, which Dean thought was just as well since Sam's presence was often the only thing preventing him from giving in to his urge to just press himself into Castiel's personal space and capture those lips with his own again. Dean got that urge a lot; when Castiel was looking at him, when Castiel wasn't looking at him, when Castiel was talking, when Castiel wasn't talking... The worst part was, now he knew Castiel would let him and would even enjoy it. Dean had to keep reminding himself that it wouldn't end well for either of them.
When they did get time alone, it was usually in the middle of an investigation or only for a few minutes at a time while Sam was in the bathroom, so Dean didn't kiss him then, either. They were back to just being close pals, and if they sat a little closer to each other than before or they were now more liberal with the casual touches than ever, well. Dean figured little things like leaning against Castiel on the couch or touching him lightly on the small of his back when he was being awkward around other people were innocent and harmless enough.
Except they were giving Castiel the wrong idea, Dean realized a week into it when they were sitting in a booth at a bar and grill with beers and waiting for Sam to wrap up his research at the city hall. Castiel sat down beside Dean as usual even though there was no one across the table from them, Dean slid his menu over so that they could both see it because Castiel never bothered to look at his own, and Castiel pressed his lips to the corner of Dean's mouth.
Dean turned his head to look at him in faint surprise. His heart was suddenly beating far faster than such a tiny, simple kiss warranted, and all he wanted to do was hold Castiel's head still and kiss him back, other patrons of the place be damned. Instead, he said quietly, "Cas, we can't."
Apparently Castiel hadn't gotten the memo, and now his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he asked, "Why?"
That was when Dean realized they'd never actually talked about it. He'd come to the conclusion that they couldn't be together like that and had somehow just assumed that it was an unspoken understanding, but Castiel obviously understood no such thing. "Uh," Dean said eloquently. He looked around self-consciously, but they were in a mostly secluded booth and no one was paying them any attention, including their waitress. Still, it didn't mean he wanted to be having relationship conversations here and now. Or ever. "We just can't, okay?"
Castiel's confused expression deepened, and the way he drew back a few inches and dropped his gaze had Dean feeling like he'd just kicked a puppy. He sighed and said, "Look, we wouldn't work."
For all that Castiel looked like he was contemplating this statement very hard, he couldn't seem to be able to figure it out. "What do you mean?" he asked eventually.
It really didn't look like Dean was getting out of this conversation, so he rubbed his face. "Remember what I said about not getting the people I care about mixed up with the people I, you know." He didn't really want to talk about fucking Castiel in such crude terms, and he especially didn't want to assume Castiel wanted to go that far at all, so Dean settled for making a vague gesture at the space between them. Castiel inclined his head in a nod, and Dean said, "Well, that still stands."
"You blurred the lines before," Castiel pointed out.
"I couldn't help it, okay?" Dean grumbled.
"But you can help it now?"
He scowled and looked away. "No, not really. But I've got to try, at least."
There was a pause, and then Castiel asked, "What happened to make you decide this was necessary?"
Dean rolled his eyes and couldn't quite believe he was about to tell an angel of the friggin' Lord about his relationship woes, but he figured Castiel deserved an explanation, at least. "Guys like me and Sam? We can't have relationships because they always end badly. Cassie thought I was lying to her about what I did and then couldn't handle it after she saw that I was telling the truth and left anyway, Jess died on Sam before he even had a chance to tell her about it but she likely wouldn't have taken it well either, and it's the same story with everyone else either of us have ever wanted. Except for Carmen, I guess, who wasn't even real, and the chick who was actually a werewolf and made Sam kill her." He paused and grimaced. "Then there was Ruby, too."
Castiel actually blinked several times in the silence that followed, very slowly, and said carefully, "You're afraid I will be unable to believe or handle your lifestyle and thus leave you, die, turn out to be fake, or become a werewolf or a demon?"
Put like that, it made Dean feel more than a little bit foolish. Of course a lot of those things didn't apply to Castiel, but that didn't mean he and Dean wouldn't end badly in some other way. "No, of course not," Dean snapped, "except yeah, you might die on me. You almost did. And you said yourself that Lucifer would be trying to hunt you down." He didn't say it out loud, but the cynical, paranoid part of him couldn't help but think it was only a matter of time before Lucifer got what he wanted.
"And you will be more upset the next time something happens on account of having had a more physical relationship with me?" Castiel tilted his head.
For a moment Dean's mouth hung open, ready to say something, but he found he couldn't agree, so he closed it again. He remembered vividly how upset he'd been when Castiel had been in Hell, and the truth was, he didn't think he could possibly get more upset, physical relationship or no physical relationship. It wasn't like he suddenly cared more about Castiel now just because they'd shared a few sweet, perfect kisses. Dean would be devastated if he lost his Cas no matter what, and no amount of holding back now would protect him from that. "No," he admitted slowly, "but still. It won't end well. Even if nothing else happens, I'll manage to fuck it up all by myself somehow." It had seemed convincing before when it had just been inside his head, but voiced out loud, Dean's protest was a weak one and they both knew it.
Castiel hadn't lost his look of confusion. Now he said uncertainly, "I think you're thinking about it too hard."
Dean gave a small, self-deprecating huff of a laugh and had to concede, "Yeah, okay, maybe."
This seemed to encourage Castiel, who leaned in close once more and looked up at Dean and asked, "We're... good friends, right? Close?"
"Of course."
"Then I don't understand how this," he said before a pause and a soft kiss, "will change that."
Dean's breath hitched a little and he searched Castiel's eyes for a reason to not believe him. Or maybe he was searching for a reason to believe him, because Dean wanted to, when it came down to it. He wanted to badly. He still wanted this badly. But what Castiel was offering and telling Dean it was okay to accept was so new it kind of terrified him, and all he could do was stare and barely remember to breathe.
By the time he spotted Sam heading toward them a minute later, Dean still hadn't come up with anything intelligent to say. So he finally dragged his eyes away from Castiel's, but before he could ask Sam what he'd found out, his brother slid into the seat across from them and asked, "What's up with you two?"
"Nothing," Dean said a little too quickly, and Castiel looked demurely down at their menu.
There was an awkward silence, and then Sam snorted, "Right." But he let it go anyway and went on to talk about the case until their waitress came back.
***
Sam was the one who checked in at their motel of the night, so when Dean walked into their room and discovered that it was actually two bedrooms with a small living area in between, he was a little surprised. He turned and arched his eyebrows at his brother.
Sam shrugged and gave him an expression that clearly said, What?
Dean rolled his eyes, shook his head, and went into one of the bedrooms where a large, queen sized bed awaited him. And Castiel, apparently. He snorted.
Of course Castiel spent the night in Dean's room, but he didn't seem to notice anything amiss and as usual, he sat beside the bed and made no move to join Dean. Since Dean hadn't quite decided yet whether or not it would be a good idea to have Castiel join him, he said nothing.
The second night this happened, Dean lay on his side and watched Castiel's profile in the darkness and thought that it would probably be okay, if Castiel wanted to share his bed. After all, it wasn't like they hadn't done it before. But Castiel gave no indication that he had any particular desire to, so again, Dean left him to sit through the night.
By the third night, Dean thought this arrangement was ridiculous. "The bed's big enough for both of us, you know," he said dryly. "And it's gotta be more comfortable than that lumpy thing you're sitting on."
Castiel glanced at him and canted his head to the side for a moment before he apparently understood the invitation for what it was. Another moment passed, and then he moved over to the bed.
"Whoa," Dean said. "Lose the shoes and trench coat first, Constantine."
Even though Castiel clearly had no idea who Constantine was, he did as Dean asked, draping the trench coat and even his suit jacket over the back of the armchair and removing his shoes. This time when he tried to get into bed, Dean scooted back to give him some space and a small smile. Maybe Castiel was right and Dean wasn't risking anything more by having him here, warm and close and touchable on the pillow next to his. It wasn't very scary and was actually a little like what he'd imagined, as a kid, that sleepovers with a best buddy he'd never had might be like.
Except he'd never imagined that his best buddy would stare so unblinkingly at him while he slept. "Cas," he said patiently. "I'm trying to sleep here. Can't you stare at the ceiling or something?"
"Yes." Castiel looked chastised and turned over to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling.
And Dean had also never imagined that he'd kiss his best buddy on the ear, but, well, he wasn't a kid anymore, and he figured one small kiss would be harmless. Castiel might have shivered a little at Dean's breath on his ear or he might not have, but his voice was steady when he said, "Good night, Dean."
Dean fell asleep to the thought that it was a good night after all, better than the last few.
He woke the next morning to the thought that he really ought to try harder to not press his hard-on against Castiel's hip in his sleep. But Castiel didn't tense up like he had last time, and when Dean opened his eyes, he was greeted with only faint amusement.
"Should I expect this every morning?" Castiel inquired.
Dean unwound himself from around Castiel and felt he should probably be more embarrassed than he was, if not for the morning wood then at least for the cuddling, but if Castiel wasn't uncomfortable about it, then Dean didn't see any reason why he should be, either. He shrugged. "Maybe. Sorry."
It wasn't until a bit later, when Dean was in the shower with one hand braced against the tiles and his body loose and sated under the spray, that he realized Castiel had said every morning like he meant to sleep with Dean every night. Despite any lingering concerns he had about where this might lead, the thought warmed him even more than the hot water did.
***
Sam picked up the habit of always asking cheerfully, first thing in the morning, a variation of how Dean's night had been or whether he'd slept well. Dean considered making up sordid details just to shut him up, but Castiel was always around, so he generally just settled for smiling broadly or winking at Castiel and ignoring Sam's question. Castiel didn't understand the implications, of course, but he seemed pleased enough about being smiled and winked at, so things worked out okay, for the most part.
Dean was even beginning to believe, slowly, that Castiel had been right when he'd said that things didn't have to change between them. They went through their days just as they had before, and Castiel rested beside him in bed at night, where they got to unwind by talking and laughing and stealing kisses until Dean fell asleep. Sometimes he slept a few inches away from Castiel, other times he slept curled up against him. (Eventually he even stopped bothering with the crappy heater excuse.) The longer it went on, the more Dean came to realize that contrary to all of his fears, this thing he had with Castiel was actually turning out to be one of the most simple and stress-free things in his complicated, stressful life, so he relaxed into it and tried not to think about it too hard. And if he woke with morning wood more often than not, well, Dean made up for not being able to touch Castiel as much as he wanted to by touching himself in the shower.
Trying not to think about it too hard didn't always work, though, because it wasn't like Dean could just stop worrying about Lucifer, especially when a group of demons arrived in town. Sam was adamantly against abandoning their case and running, so the three of them ambushed and killed the demons before any of them could get a word back to Lucifer, but it was far too close of a call for Dean's comfort. The last demon had almost escaped through a vent, and if they hadn't had an angel on their side, they would've been fucked.
The incident left Dean feeling a little high strung for the rest of the day, and when Castiel slid into bed that night and tried to kiss him soothingly, Dean pushed him away.
"This isn't going to last, Cas," he said flatly.
Castiel pursed his lips briefly and looked away. "What would you have me do?"
Dean didn't have an answer to that, so he asked instead, "Do you even know what they were doing in town? Were they looking for us? For you?"
"I don't know," Castiel admitted.
Dean made a small, frustrated noise and said, "We can't keep running forever, you know. Sooner or later, he's gonna catch up to us." Castiel frowned but didn't argue, which didn't make Dean feel better at all. "So what are we gonna do?"
Castiel thought about this for a moment before replying, "I believe you'd usually say something about going down fighting."
Dean wasn't impressed. Somehow, now that he had both Sam and Castiel and could occasionally almost feel content with his life, he didn't want to go down anymore, fighting or otherwise. He especially didn't want Sam or Castiel to go down. What he said instead was, "He's Lucifer. He'll barely even notice if we try to fight him."
"Perhaps the other angels will help," Castiel said calmly.
"Or perhaps they won't," Dean shot back. "What's up with them, anyway? You haven't even been in contact with them, have you?"
"No." Castiel shook his head. "I think my presence would only endanger them." Dean opened his mouth to argue some more, but Castiel spoke over him. "However, I think the movement against Zachariah and Lucifer won't have simply died just because I stopped leading it. There were already many others at the time, so perhaps there are more now."
"And what, you think they'll just show up if you give them a call?"
Castiel hesitated. "They may."
Dean wasn't convinced. "More likely you'll permanently deafen me and then Lucifer will gank you anyway," he said with a touch of snideness.
Castiel sighed and stared at him levelly until Dean looked away first. He was being unreasonably cynical and he knew it, but it wasn't like he was doing it to be obnoxious. He just didn't want to lose Castiel. And Castiel seemed to understand this, because after a moment he shifted closer and wrapped his arms around Dean. Of course, Dean tried to push him away again, but Castiel was a lot stronger than he was and when he really wanted to do something, Dean didn't stand a chance against him. He ended up with his nose smushed against Castiel's collarbone and his arms trapped between their bodies, and after a brief struggle he gave up and said mutinously, "Forced cuddling is not going to solve anything."
The words were muffled against Castiel's shirt, but he understood anyway. "I know," he said, sounding weary enough that the fight left Dean instantly. Secretly, he was glad Castiel was so impossible to fight because it gave Dean the excuse he needed to close his eyes in resignation and let himself relax into the embrace. Castiel didn't have any more answers than Dean did, and he couldn't really do anything more than Dean could, but he was trying, at least, and even though Dean wouldn't admit it, he was grateful for that. So he shifted to get more comfortable and let Castiel hold him, and despite himself and Lucifer and the rest of the world, he could feel some of Castiel's weird angel serenity start to seep in after a few minutes.
It became difficult to believe that Castiel could die at Lucifer's hands when he was right here with Dean, so close and so alive, and even if the forced cuddling didn't solve any problems, at least it pushed the problems away for a little while, beyond their little cocoon of comforters and safety. Dean almost wondered if there wasn't a tiny bit of mind whammying going on, but the thought no longer bothered him as it had before. He supposed that meant he trusted Castiel.
A few more minutes later, Castiel said quietly, "I wish the sound of my voice didn't cause you so much pain."
It took Dean a sluggish moment to remember that he'd made a comment about Castiel deafening him, but then he cracked a small smile. "It's alright, you can make it up to me by giving me ear massages."
"Ear massages?" Castiel echoed uncertainly.
Dean opened his eyes and lifted his head to look at Castiel. "Oh man, you've never gotten an ear massage, have you?" Castiel shook his head, and Dean perked up. "C'mere." Castiel was pliant now and let Dean maneuver him until he was on top, propped up on his elbows on either side of Dean's body and looking down at him curiously. Dean reached up and took Castiel's ears in his hands, thumbs running over the shells and rubbing them against his other fingers. "How's this?"
"Nice," Castiel replied, sounding pleasantly surprised, and Dean's smile grew when his eyelids began drooping in pleasure. For all that he'd been talking about Castiel giving him ear massages, he didn't mind that it had ended up being the other way around. Introducing Castiel to life's simple little pleasures was one of his favorite things to do, and good food had only been the beginning.
As Dean switched to massaging Castiel's ears with the heels of his palms, he tried not to worry about how much time he would or wouldn't have to introduce Castiel to all the other good things in life.
***
The next night, when Sam went to bed early and it was just the two of them watching TV on the couch, Dean reached over, took one of Castiel's hands in his own, and began giving him a hand massage. Sure, it had taken them a long time to get to this point, but now that they were here, Dean was discovering, to his own delight, that Castiel loved being touched even more than he'd previously thought.
But maybe Castiel hadn't known how much he loved being touched either, because just as he'd been surprised the night before at how nice his ears could feel, now he seemed surprised that he was enjoying the hand massage so much. He looked from where Dean was stroking his palm with his thumbs up to Dean's face, and Dean glanced sideways and gave him a little smirk.
The hand massage was meant to be something done idly while Dean focused on how badass Optimus Prime was and how inappropriately cute Bumblebee was for a giant robot (another of those things Dean would never admit out loud), but he found Castiel's hand far more fascinating than Transformers. Now that he was paying attention, he noted that Castiel had large hands -- a little bigger than Dean's, actually -- and even though they were softer and less calloused than Dean's, they were undeniably powerful, sturdy, man hands. They weren't bulky, though, which Dean liked, and the strength in those long fingers wasn't a brutish one. It was more graceful and dexterous than that, and Dean ran his thumb along each finger appreciatively. Castiel's knuckles were a little rougher and drier than the rest of his hand, and it was such a human imperfection that Dean found it strangely endearing. He rubbed circles around them, feeling Castiel's skin shift over sharp bones, and traced the slightly raised lines of his veins.
Dean was only distracted from admiring Castiel's hand when Castiel used his other one to cup Dean's face and turn his head toward him so that he could placed an open-mouthed kiss on Dean's lips. His breath was hot and it was a little more demanding than what Dean was used to from Castiel, a little more urgent than his usual fun, affectionate little kisses, but whatever the reasons, Dean was more than willing to go along with it.
Hand forgotten now, he flicked his tongue against Castiel's bottom lip experimentally, and Castiel didn't hesitate in mirroring the action. When he did it again, Dean was waiting. His tongue met Castiel's in a quick, playful lick, and when he drew back, Castiel followed. So Dean opened his mouth invitingly and coaxed Castiel's tongue inside, stroking it with his own until Castiel was ready to take over.
Castiel didn't seem to know what he was doing, precisely, but still, he was eager to do it. He dipped his tongue into the space below Dean's and trailed it up the side of Dean's tongue, then flicked it upward and ran it along Dean's teeth. He was just as careful and thorough with everywhere else and it was a little odd for Dean to have his mouth explored so diligently, but he liked it because it was Castiel, and his own tongue followed Castiel's and slid against it sensually.
The only problem was, Dean was already painfully hard not two minutes into the kiss, but he was pretty sure Castiel wouldn't want to go there. It was why he'd been keeping their kisses so light and chaste before now, because it hadn't ever meant to be about sex, and even now it clearly wasn't about sex to Castiel. He probably just wanted something more, something new, and he wanted it with Dean for the intimacy. But Dean was only human, after all, and a hotblooded, male human at that, so some things were out of his control.
When Castiel finally drew his tongue back and finished with a warm, lingering press of his lips against Dean's, Dean rested their foreheads together and took a slow, shaky breath. "I've gotta go shower," he said in a low, strained voice.
Castiel's eyes narrowed thoughtfully for a moment and he almost looked like he wanted to say something, but then he sat back to give Dean some space and withdrew his hand from Dean's cheek. Dean looked down and realized he was still holding on to Castiel's other hand, and that was an image he took with him into the shower a minute later.
It was Castiel's fingers that he imagined were wrapped around him, Castiel's broad, deft hand that engulfed him and stroked him steadily while his pleasure built. Dean pictured Castiel approaching this task with the same intense curiosity as he showed everything else, and he came hard to the thought of those unblinking eyes trailing up his naked body to stop at his face and soak in his expression. Afterward, Dean stood for a minute or two with his head bowed under the spray, panting lightly and savoring the aftereffects of his release.
Then he turned off the shower, toweled off quickly, and put on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. When he walked into their room, Castiel was already in bed, watching him closely.
"What?" Dean asked as he slid into bed beside him, and Castiel didn't waste any time before he was on top of Dean and pressing him into the mattress and kissing him soundly again.
"Whoa, easy there," Dean chuckled into his mouth, not quite ready yet after his own orgasm to match Castiel's fervor. Castiel pulled back just far enough to look at him, and Dean asked, "What's up? What do you want?"
"I," Castiel began, but then he pursed his lips and looked away, and Dean thought maybe he was even embarrassed.
He leaned to the side to catch Castiel's gaze again, and now he could see that Castiel's pupils were a little blown in a way they certainly hadn't been before. He couldn't look down between them to be sure because they were half under the covers, but Dean was pretty sure anyway. He arched his eyebrows. "Were you watching me in the shower or something?" Not that he was at all bothered by the thought. In fact, he quite enjoyed it. He'd gotten off to it, even.
Castiel licked his lips and tried to answer his earlier question instead. "I want..."
"Anything," Dean promised when he hesitated. As far as he knew, this was the first time Castiel had ever gotten aroused, and Dean really did want to give him anything he wanted.
But it didn't seem like Castiel was too sure about what that was, because all he said was, "Yes."
Dean took it to mean he wanted anything and smiled up at Castiel. "Alright," he said, wrapping his arms around Castiel and pulling him down for another kiss. "I got you."
Castiel relaxed into him and his lips parted against Dean's, so Dean slid his tongue into Castiel's mouth and tasted more than what he usually got of Castiel's clean, unearthly sweetness. Their tongues twined around each other, and one of his hands slid between them to tug Castiel's tie loose and unbutton his shirt.
He only got through one button before Castiel tensed and pulled away a few inches. "I don't want to be naked," he said, not quite looking at Dean and suddenly sounding uncertain and nervous.
Dean stopped in faint surprise and searched his face, but then he remembered that the only time Castiel had ever been naked before was when he'd been in captivity. It wasn't like he took his clothes off every day to shower or change or anything, so Dean supposed he could understand the nervousness. "Okay," he said simply, lifting his head off the pillow to kiss Castiel again, softer and more reassuringly now.
Then he lay back down on the pillow and Castiel tucked his head under Dean's chin, but even so, it took longer for him to relax this time, and Dean ran his hands over Castiel's shoulders and up and down his back and sides for a few minutes because this, at least, was familiar to Castiel. When Castiel lifted his head and arched his body into the touch a little, Dean took it a step further and smoothed one hand down the side of Castiel's thigh and back up along the inside.
Castiel bit his lip and held very, very still, eyes boring into Dean's with an almost desperate intensity that gave Dean the impression he'd bolt if they broke eye contact for even a moment. Dean stared back calmly and tried not to blink even as he hesitated himself, and he said said softly, "Tell me if you don't want this."
"I want this," Castiel said, and even though his voice was tight, Dean wet his lips and carefully cupped the bulge in his pants.
Castiel didn't react. It came as a small relief to Dean that he could stand to be touched there at all, and he grew bold enough to start rubbing gently. It seemed to be the only movement in the room for a long, timeless moment -- even their chests barely rose or fell on breaths -- but then Castiel was the first to break eye contact in a brief flutter of eyelashes.
"Dean," he breathed, a little shakily.
"Cas?"
"Yes," Castiel said, and Dean felt something in his heart expand at the trust in his voice. He smiled and used his other hand to pull Castiel down for another kiss.
Castiel arched into his hand, but Dean removed it momentarily to get his belt undone and his pants unzipped. For all that Castiel had seemed so daunted by where this was going a few moments ago, he now seemed relatively at ease when Dean slid a hand into his boxers and wrapped it around him. His movements weren't exactly smooth or sure, but Castiel wound his arms around Dean's shoulders and let Dean's free arm circle his body in return. Dean gave him a slow stroke, and Castiel made a soft sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a gasp.
Obviously Castiel felt slightly different in his hand and it wasn't what Dean was used to, but still, it wasn't nearly as strange as he'd thought it would be, touching another guy like this. Then again, this was Cas, and he was familiar enough to Dean that his body felt almost like an extension of Dean's own. Dean didn't notice the shape of it so much as he noticed the way Castiel was clearly beginning to enjoy what he was doing, and he didn't even have to think about it too hard because he already knew what felt good and the motions were instinctual.
He stroked, squeezed, and massaged Castiel slowly but firmly, until Castiel's body went utterly slack against his. Then it began growing taut again, but this was the good kind of taut, and every time Castiel's lips parted on a gasp, Dean muffled it by sweeping his tongue into his mouth. Castiel closed his eyes and kissed him back almost deliriously, and Dean thrilled in the knowledge that he was the one who was undoing his calm, quiet Castiel so completely. It wasn't too long before Castiel clutched Dean tighter, arched his body, and ducked his head to the side to bury his face against Dean's cheek. His breaths were hot and uneven against Dean's skin, and occasionally he panted hard enough that it came out as a short, broken moan. Dean turned his head to capture these in his mouth, and Castiel twisted his hips. They were now chest to chest and Castiel's body was pressed into his hard enough that it hindered movement in his arm somewhat, but Castiel made up for it by moving above him, using his arms around Dean as leverage and thrusting into his fist, over and over until he pulsed hard between them and came with a soft, shaky cry that Dean swallowed.
Castiel panted and trembled against him for a few long moments afterward, and Dean held still and kept his hand wrapped around softening flesh. His other arm was still draped around Castiel in a loose hug, and he simply held him or stroked his back, sometimes pressing soft kisses to his pliant lips, until Castiel's breathing returned to normal and his body stilled. When Castiel finally opened his eyes again, they were hazy and unfocused.
Dean smiled faintly and murmured, "Fun, right?"
Castiel's gaze focused a little and he didn't reply, but he seemed to be regarding Dean in some sort of a new light and Dean decided to take that as an agreement. His smile widened.
Then Castiel propped himself up on his elbows so that he was no longer resting his full weight on Dean. His eyes flickered downward and back up to Dean's, and then he began sliding down Dean's body, his intent obvious. The image of Castiel on his knees in front of him flashed through Dean's mind, and he could almost hear Castiel's voice telling him he was good at this. "Whoa, Cas, hang on," he said, and when Castiel paused to look up at him, Dean swallowed. Far be it from him to decline a good blow job, but the thought of Castiel sucking anyone off made Dean uncomfortable, given his history. And sure, Dean was half hard again, but it would have taken some work to get him to come a second time and he didn't want Castiel to work, not tonight. Tonight he'd given Castiel his first orgasm and Dean wanted to keep spoiling him and make it perfect, so he hooked his fingers in the loop of Castiel's tie and tugged him back up for another kiss. "You don't have to do anything, alright?"
"Reciprocation is generally expected," Castiel said, voice a little more gravelly than usual.
Dean rolled his eyes at Castiel's word choice but then shrugged and said, "This was for you."
Castiel thought about this for a moment and seemed to accept it, so he shifted to curl indulgently around Dean. Dean wiped his hand clean on a corner of the sheets and then lifted the comforter to eye the mess that was his shirt. He wrinkled his nose, nudged Castiel with his shoulder, and said sheepishly, "Actually, if you could do just one small thing, that would be kind of awesome."
Castiel huffed out a small sound of amusement against Dean's neck, and a moment later Dean was as clean as he'd been when he'd gotten out of the shower.
"You rock," Dean informed him with a grin. Then he tucked the comforter back around them both and settled down to sleep.
***
They didn't talk about it the next day, but when Sam asked how their night had gone, Castiel actually blushed faintly. Sam didn't notice, and Dean smiled inwardly.
It happened again that night, and this time Castiel touched him, too, hesitantly enough that Dean looked up and said, "Cas, if you're not comfortable with this..."
But Castiel only seemed more determined, and his grip grew stronger as he began mirroring everything Dean did. They were lying on their sides facing each other and their hot breaths mingled even though they weren't quite kissing, and when Castiel drew a small, quiet moan from Dean, he actually smiled faintly.
After that, it was easy for Dean to lose himself in this, in being like this with Castiel. After Castiel finished, Dean pulled him closer, buried his face in his hair, and came with his breath hitching on Castiel's name.
The next couple of evenings Dean was too exhausted to do much more than fall into bed and pass out, but then one night he woke to a full bladder and an empty bed. Castiel wasn't anywhere in his room and Dean frowned a little because his trench coat and shoes were still there, but there was no indication that anything had gone wrong while he'd been asleep, so he shrugged it off for now and headed to the bathroom. Most likely Castiel had just disappeared for a bit to wherever he liked to go and would be back before morning.
...Or, he was standing stark naked in the dark bathroom looking at his body in the full-length mirror that also served as a shower door, Dean discovered two seconds later.
He stopped in the doorway and couldn't help taking a good look himself at Castiel's profile. He'd seen him naked before, back in that prison cell, but now Castiel was whole and healthy, and he held himself squarely. He had a nice body, Dean supposed -- slender yet strong with broad shoulders, lithe muscles, soft swell between the legs -- but Dean's nether regions didn't perk up automatically like they were conditioned to do whenever he saw a nice female form. It was just Cas, and Dean liked him the same whether he was naked or not.
"For someone who didn't want to be naked before, you're awfully naked," he commented lightly.
Castiel didn't turn to look at him or even respond at all, only continued studying himself pensively in the mirror.
"Hey," Dean tried again, coming up behind him to wrap his arms around Castiel's waist. Castiel felt a little tense against him. "You okay?"
"Yes," he replied, and Dean waited to see if he'd say anything more. Eventually Castiel said softly, "I don't want to die."
Dean blinked in surprise, but then he remembered telling Castiel a few days ago that Lucifer would probably gank him. He mentally kicked himself. Castiel had been stoic about it at the time for Dean's benefit, but he had to be worried and scared too, and Dean felt kind of like a tool for not realizing this sooner. His first instinct was to assure Castiel he wouldn't let him die, but Sam promising him over and over again that he wouldn't let Dean go to Hell hadn't exactly made anything better, so now he just squeezed Castiel a little and told him, "I'm watching out of you."
Castiel went quiet for a long moment before he asked, "Do you feel exposed when you're naked?"
It was an odd subject change, but Dean took it in stride. He shrugged and replied, "I guess. Probably not as much as most people. It depends on who's around to see."
"But they don't really see any more of you when you're naked than when you're clothed."
"Maybe you don't think so, but humans can't exactly go around inspecting each other's souls like you can," Dean pointed out wryly. "This is all we can see."
Castiel bit his lip and then asked hesitantly, "Do you like what you see?"
It sounded like something a hooker would say, and Dean snorted but kept this to himself. "I'm not gay, Cas. I like you."
Apparently it was the right thing to say, because Castiel relaxed in his arms and even smiled at him a little in the mirror. "I thought it would be much worse," he confessed after a moment.
"Being naked?"
Castiel nodded. "But you were wrong too. This isn't all you can see."
"Maybe," Dean said with a shrug. "Maybe not. I dunno, man, all I know is that I'm half asleep and that I came in here to piss, not to have philosophical discussions in the dark." Castiel's gaze darted to the toilet in faint surprise, and Dean chuckled. "Go back to bed?"
"Yes," Castiel agreed. Instead of walking through the living area to their room, though, he simply vanished in a light draft a moment later.
Dean shook his head and went to relieve himself.
When he got back to their room, he brought the clothes Castiel had left draped over the sink. (That one would have been a little awkward to explain to Sam in the morning.) Castiel was in bed and, apparently, still naked, so Dean didn't think twice about pulling off his own t-shirt and dropping his boxers. If Castiel was still feeling exposed at all, Dean figured he'd feel more secure if he wasn't alone in being naked.
It was nice, Dean decided, sliding between the sheets to be met with Castiel's warm, dry skin. Comfortable. Castiel seemed comfortable too, lying next to him, so Dean didn't think more of it and let his bleary mind drift back to sleep.
***
The naked thing? Was even better the next morning when Dean woke to Castiel's hand between his legs, stroking him idly, like Castiel had been waiting for him to wake up and figured he'd fondle Dean a bit in the meantime. Dean pressed into him instinctively and reached down to find that Castiel was hard too, and Castiel's grip around him tightened a fraction.
It was different from being in bed with women, in more ways than the obvious anatomical ones. With women, Dean had to try. It was about using all the best tricks in his book to please them while being smooth and sexy and charming, and while that was undeniably fun, he found he preferred lazy mornings like this. There was no pressure here, just him and Castiel in a warm bed together, giving each other some mutual pleasure just because they could. They touched each other leisurely, and Castiel came first with a soft shudder. Dean pushed into his hand and came too, a few strokes later, and afterward they lay panting on the pillows in a messy tangle of limbs.
"Good morning to you, too," Dean said a little while later, with some sleepy, sated amusement in his voice. Then he hoped Castiel wouldn't mind his morning breath too much, because when Castiel smiled at him, Dean couldn't not kiss him.
The casual sexual gratification blended into their routine, and even though it didn't happen every day, Sam eventually seemed to figure it out because he stopped asking about it. Dean considered this a personal victory.
He tried not to mention Lucifer again, but he could tell it was always in the back of Castiel's mind. Castiel got restless if they stayed in one place for more than two or three days, and he always seemed just a bit too cautious wherever they went. Dean, on the other hand, felt they were doing a pretty good job of hiding from the devil, actually. Since Castiel's demon radar hadn't failed them yet, Dean was inclined to trust that they could count on it.
What he hadn't counted on was that one of Lucifer's human followers might be the one to sell them out.
It was a fucker they'd been trying to save, too, from a siren. He ran out of his bedroom when they ran in, and after they killed it, somebody began a slow clap from the doorway.
Dean whirled around and came face to face with Lucifer's triumphant smirk.
Part 17
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 08:55 am (UTC)I believe I've said something like this before--Cas is so weirdly adorable and so adorably weird. And that's why he works so well when paired with Dean. <3 Also? I love how careful Dean is with him.
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Date: 2009-11-07 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 08:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 08:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 09:15 am (UTC)Even with the delicious sexiness in this chapter, Cas standing naked in front of the mirror is my absolute most favourite part.
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Date: 2009-11-07 07:56 pm (UTC)I can just picture it, hee, I quite liked that scene myself. ♥
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Date: 2009-11-07 09:31 am (UTC)but I hope there will be a happy ending *fingers crossed*
And the rest? was totally excellent! I liked how they both moved slowly, and the scenes of quietly falling to bed together, talking and laughing were just beautiful! I really liked that :):)
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Date: 2009-11-07 09:23 pm (UTC)Thank you so much, I'm so happy you enjoyed this, eeee! Talking and laughing in bed is one of my personal favorite things to do, so I had to have Dean and Castiel do that too. ♥
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Date: 2009-11-07 09:24 pm (UTC)Heh, Dean loves Castiel kind of utterly and hopelessly, oh, Dean.
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Date: 2009-11-07 10:08 am (UTC)I LOL'D SO HARD AT THIS LINE. XD omg, bb this chapter turned me into a mesh of rainbow coloured goo~~~ :3
BUT GOSH THAT CLIFFHANGER. OH GURRRLLL YOU TRYIN' TO KILL ME?!?! :'(
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Date: 2009-11-07 09:27 pm (UTC)IT'S NEARING THE END, OF COURSE THERE HAD TO BE ONE LAST CLIFFHANGER. SORRY.
And thank you!
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Date: 2009-11-07 10:44 am (UTC)it was happy fuzzy feelings until the last. but it made everything else seem that much more special.
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Date: 2009-11-07 09:30 pm (UTC)(Also, it's a little bit surreal seeing people use icons of quotes from my fic, heee. :">)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 09:45 pm (UTC)Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 11:23 am (UTC)Thanks so far. But the cliff hanger? Oh please.... hurry up...
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Date: 2009-11-07 09:46 pm (UTC)Thank you!
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Date: 2009-11-07 11:46 am (UTC)I've been anticipating this chapter. I mean, not this one as in chapter 15, but this one as in the one where they finally have sex. I was halfway hoping it wouldn't happen at all, but that wouldn't be all that realistic, really, not with Dean being who he is, and not if Cas is to be completely okay again.
I think (surprise!) you handled it well. I especially liked that Cas doesn't want to be naked - to associate anything of this new, shining thing that he has with Dean with his captivity would be pretty horrific, but at the same time inevitable. I think he might get over that a little quickly - but at the same time, Dean's answer is perfect and Castiel is absolutely correct. Dean underestimates himself and by extension humanity, as usual. If all he saw was the surface, the skin, then he wouldn't love Castiel, would he?
I think, strangely enough, my favorite scene was the hand massage. Okay, it's not that strange. I have such a hand!kink. But also...I've done that. Held someone's hand while watching something, explored it with my fingers. And it's always so lovely to be able to truly see yourself in fiction (although Dean? Not who I'd generally pick to represent me, hahah). And there's something so...simply loving, in the gesture. I feel as though it displays perfectly how Dean feels - that he'll take what he can get, and it's not that he's settling for it, it's that he feels he has no right to ask for more. And he will glory in what he does get, because it's Castiel and it's more than he deserves.
I will say that the end of the section before the first ** felt a little bit...hm, unnecessary, and perhaps a bit too introspective for Dean. He says it all to Castiel, later, and while I can see why you might want to state it here, as well, to have it certain before it's shot down with angelogic, it feels almost...explanatory rather than emotional, in a place where we should be cradling Dean or perhaps slapping him to knock some sense back into his head. But. That could be just me. ::grins::
In conclusion, OH SHIT LUCIFER GODDAMMIT EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO WELLLL. D:
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Date: 2009-11-07 10:02 pm (UTC)Anyway, I am so relieved you think I handled the sex well, oh god, thank you! \o/ Because, whoa, no pressure there after a 100k word buildup, right? Re: getting over his naked thing quickly -- I think he hadn't expected Dean to show up and see him at that point, so it was just meant to be him alone in the bathroom where he was safe and trying to come to terms with it. But then when Dean did show up he was at least calm enough to not run?
I ALSO HAVE A HAND KINK. And yes, I've done that too, on both ends, and it's so so quietly lovely either way. Everything you said about how it displays what Dean feels is exactly what I was going for, oh god I am so so so happy you are reading this fic. ♥
Haha you know, I think you're right about that bit being more explanatory than emotional. Originally it was a lot shorter, then my beta was like, "but Dean's been pining after Castiel for all this time and his reasons for suddenly pushing him away are so unclear, wtf!" so I went back to explain that more, which is why it turned out so explanatory, like you pointed out. I probably should have tried to bring his emotions into it more, but then it again, it was about 3 am.. -.-
As always, thank you so much for the delightfully thoughtful review! Ilu.
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Date: 2009-11-07 12:27 pm (UTC)Once again I love the slow build up. I also love that this time it was Cas coaxing Dean further into the relationship. It felt very natural. My favourite parts were Cas not wanting to be naked the first time Dean touched him and to juxtapose Cas being naked in the bathroom. There was something utterly human about both scenes. Touching hints of vulnerability. Okay I'm babbling.
*floats on the happy and ignores the last line for the time being*
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Date: 2009-11-08 02:23 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for the amazing feedback! I'm especially relieved you thought it felt natural, and aww, it makes me ♥ that you saw some vulnerability and humanity in the naked thing. Totally what I was going for.
♥!
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Date: 2009-11-08 02:24 pm (UTC)♥
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Date: 2009-11-07 01:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-08 02:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-11-08 02:28 pm (UTC)Also, thank you for saying that about the ending! I really hadn't thought people would be too worried about it since, you know, two more chapters to go, so I'm glad you're not. ♥
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Date: 2009-11-07 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-08 02:28 pm (UTC)Thank you!
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Date: 2009-11-07 03:28 pm (UTC)I even forgive Dean for being Dean, which is an idiot at the beginning of this chapter. *pats him*
But OMG LUCIFER WHAT WHAT WHAT.
Loved this chapter, you evil thing you. <3
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Date: 2009-11-08 02:32 pm (UTC)Mostly, thank you for seeing exactly what I've been trying to show with these two, and for all the amazing feedback! ♥
(I COULDN'T HELP IT, HAH.)
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Date: 2009-11-07 03:49 pm (UTC)Unfortunately, evil & hot Lucy had to come clapping close to their doorsteps! o.o;
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Date: 2009-11-08 02:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 03:56 pm (UTC)*glares*
God, the interaction between Dean and Cas is so beautiful throughout this entire chapter. Watching them slowly becoming more comfortable with one another, and...just...everything. And forced cuddling! EEEEEEEEE! And the whole chapter was just so happy and had me smiling and then... You... EVIL!
*drums fingers impatiently waiting for next chapter*
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Date: 2009-11-08 02:58 pm (UTC)Hee, I'm so happy you enjoyed the rest of this chapter, though! Actually I'm quite fond of the forced cuddling myself. ♥
Thank you so much!
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Date: 2009-11-07 04:08 pm (UTC)Absolutely loved this line: Then again, this was Cas, and he was familiar enough to Dean that his body felt almost like an extension of Dean's own.
Looking forward to the last two installments!
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Date: 2009-11-08 02:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 04:42 pm (UTC)There are so many excellent moments here. You handle this relationship so beautifully and it feels so REAL. And hand touching! Awesome! Sometimes I think people don't understand how sensitive your hands are and how nice it is to have someone touching them like that, with gentle caresses and patient exploration. Yum. But you understand and wrote it so well! ♥♥♥
And then the end! AHH! EEP! I can't wait!
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Date: 2009-11-08 03:01 pm (UTC)Thanks again for the review! ♥
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Date: 2009-11-07 05:45 pm (UTC)Please, no more setbacks for Dean and Cas!! I don't think my heart can handle it!!!
That said, AWESOME CHAPPY. Loved greatly.
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Date: 2009-11-08 03:01 pm (UTC)Thank you so much!
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Date: 2009-11-07 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-08 02:57 pm (UTC)Also, it's a WIP and I know how you feel about those, but someone started writing our whoopie cushion fic that we wanted (http://angeloftehlord.livejournal.com/666.html)...
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Date: 2009-11-07 06:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-08 03:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-07 06:32 pm (UTC)You are a genius bb, and I don't want this to end!
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Date: 2009-11-08 03:03 pm (UTC)I'm particularly glad you liked naked Cas being afraid to die, heee, that bit made me all ♥ to picture.
Thanks again!