Fic: And I Will Walk On Water (15/18)
Oct. 26th, 2009 11:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tracy_loo_whoTitle: And I Will Walk On Water (15/18)
Characters: Dean and Castiel, Jimmy, Sam, Bobby
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~7,800
Notes:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ibroketuesday sent the Jimmy scenes back to me for edits 15+ times, no joke, so PLEASE LIKE IT. :P That is all.
Summary: In which there are several conversations and this fic becomes a hug!fic. Also, Dean and Castiel go to Africa.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14
Dean's head snapped up and all the air in his body left him in a wheezed, "What?"
Jimmy was standing at the end of the aisle, wide eyed and breathless himself, and now he hurried over to Dean and knelt in front of him. "It's Cas," he repeated. "He's back."
His words did funny things to Dean's heart, which couldn't seem to make up its mind between pounding against his ribcage and stopping altogether somewhere in his throat. When Dean remembered to breathe and found his voice again, he managed to ask, "How?"
"I dunno," Jimmy said with a slight shake of his head. "He didn't say."
Maybe Michael had pulled him out after all, or maybe it had been another angel, or maybe he'd done it himself, or maybe Lucifer had changed his mind, or hell, maybe it was even God who'd finally decided to show a little mercy. A dozen hectic thoughts chased each other through Dean's head, but then he realized something: none of them mattered. Castiel was back. He couldn't quite believe it. "You're sure?"
"Yes!"
Dean let out a half laugh of bone-melting relief, and if he hadn't already been on the floor, he would have sunk to it now. Instead, he switched the safety of his gun back on with fingers that were still shaking, then sat back and leaned against one of the shelves, looking up at the ceiling and feeling kind of dazed. He couldn't tell if it was from the aftereffects of Castiel's voice or from the news, but he was also feeling really fucking happy, and that was definitely from the news. "Is he still here?" he asked, unable to keep the eagerness out of his voice. "Why hasn't he, you know." Here he made a vague, hopefully possession-like gesture at Jimmy. "When can I see him?"
Jimmy sat beside Dean and hesitated for a moment before replying, "He told me to tell you to wait for him, and then he disappeared."
Some of Dean's happiness slipped instantly, to be replaced by worry. He remembered now that getting Castiel back was only the first step. It would probably take many more for Castiel to be okay. "Wait for him to do what?" he asked, kind of nervously.
When Jimmy shrugged, it struck Dean as an unhappy gesture. "Don't know, that's all he said."
Dean bit his lip. If Castiel was on Earth again but didn't want his vessel, maybe it meant he just couldn't deal with being back in a human body yet. Dean could understand that, of course, but it made him wonder how long he'd have to wait to see Castiel again. Utterly selfish though it was, he couldn't help but hope it wouldn't be months and months before Castiel was ready.
It seemed Jimmy could guess what he was thinking. "Look, no matter how bad it might be, I think he'll be in a better place to deal with it this time," he offered even though he was obviously concerned himself.
Dean glanced over at him and tried to gauge how much of that was what Jimmy actually thought and how much of it was for Dean's benefit. The guy seemed earnest enough, but Dean was wary of being too hopeful. "What makes you say that?"
"Last time came hard on the heels of his big leap of faith," Jimmy pointed out. "He disobeyed and lost everything he'd ever known and everything he'd ever defined himself by, and it was all for nothing. Lucifer rose anyway. I think the identity loss thing was especially difficult because, well, that would make anyone impressionable, right? And instead of having a single positive, reaffirming experience, he was half killed by his own brothers and spent the next three months with demons who were bent on convincing him he was weak and worthless and unwanted. Can you blame him for believing them?"
Hearing it put like that made Dean wince.
"Yeah," Jimmy agreed with a twist of his lips. "But this time, he's still got you to fall back on, and he's still got some sense of who he is and a purpose. Not feeling lost and abandoned will go a long way in helping him cope, trust me."
Dean did trust him, because if anyone could know how Castiel's mind worked, of course it was Jimmy, who apparently felt the things Castiel felt. Something occurred to Dean, then, and he frowned. "Still, it'll take some time, and meanwhile it's not gonna be a walk in the park for you, either, is it? If he comes back broken."
"Maybe," Jimmy conceded. And even though he looked uneasy, he said, "But I mean, it'll be different this time." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince Dean, and Dean found himself feeling sorry for the guy. "Last time we fed off of each others' anger," Jimmy continued. "He hated having me as a vessel because it was a constant reminder of all the pain and everything else, and that made me hate him back. I blamed him for for letting all of that happen to my body and was just furious with him all around, so between the two of us, it spiraled out of control. It's hard enough living with someone else inside your head even without all that anger and bitterness directed back and forth."
"It wasn't his fault, though," Dean pointed out, unable to help getting a little defensive on Castiel's behalf. Of course he sympathized with Jimmy, but Castiel had done everything he could for him. "It's unfair to say he let all of that happen."
"I know," Jimmy reassured him, "but I refused to see it any other way for a long time. I guess it was just easy to blame him because he was the one who'd been calling all the shots right up 'til when we were captured." He stopped and frowned and Dean wasn't sure what to say to that, so he waited for Jimmy to continue. Jimmy turned his head to look away from Dean before he said, "I don't know if you've ever been possessed, but even when it's an angel, it's never easy to not be in control of your own body, you know? And sure, I willingly gave mine to him to use, but not like that. He was supposed to take care of it. When I woke up for the first time in months to discover that everything had been turned upside down and had to glean from his thoughts what had happened..." Jimmy pursed his lips and shook his head, and a muscle in his jaw clenched. "I don't think I can put to words how violated and helpless that made me feel. He wouldn't tell me details, and maybe not knowing was worse than knowing would have been because I kept wondering and wondering and it became the only thing I could think about. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I was that he'd humiliated me, but the worst part was, for the longest time I was terrified he'd let it happen again and I wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about it the second time either. Every time I felt myself losing consciousness, I dreaded what I'd find out upon waking up. And instead of dealing with me, he just kept putting me to sleep." He snorted in frustration and said, "All I wanted was to have a say about what happened to me, or I just wanted to crawl out of my skin, but I couldn't do either. I couldn't do anything, not even vent by punching a freaking pillow."
Dean grimaced as he listened. He'd never been possessed himself, but trying to imagine Jimmy's helplessness made him vastly uncomfortable all the same. He was a little surprised the guy was being so open with him, but then again, Dean supposed Jimmy had spent a lot of time getting used to him and it wasn't like he had anybody else to talk to. Maybe he even liked Dean, if his wanting to keep Dean company was anything to go by. Hell, he'd basically given Dean permission to have sex with him, earlier. Dean grimaced some more at the thought. "And after all that you'd still let Cas use your body for sex?"
Jimmy gave him a wry look. "Well, he wouldn't do anything if I didn't want him to, so I guess I trust him. I'm not worried about it." He shrugged.
Dean wasn't convinced. Jimmy wasn't a piece of meat, and even if he was okay with his body being used like that, Dean suddenly wasn't. It wasn't fair to the guy, especially after everything he'd been through, and now that Dean was getting to know him a little better, he couldn't shake the somewhat disturbing feeling that anything he and Castiel did together would inevitably be some sort of creepy threesome in which the third person wasn't even awake. He shook his head. "Thanks, but I think Cas and I are just fine the way we are."
"What if he winds up wanting more?"
Dean made a face at him. "Is this not weird for you? I mean, seriously, you're sitting here talking about having sex with me when as far as I can tell, we're both straight dudes." It was certainly weird for Dean, especially since he wasn't in the least bit attracted to Jimmy. He looked exactly like Castiel, sure, but it wasn't the same.
Jimmy laughed a little and seemed to relax suddenly. He even smirked. "But Dean, we've already slept together. Cuddled, even. In bed."
Dean groaned and tilted his head back until it hit the shelf behind them none too gently. He couldn't see Jimmy anymore, but he could still feel him smirking.
After a while, Jimmy said, more seriously, "Really, though. It would be okay. I've moved on."
"What, just because Cas started getting better?" Dean asked skeptically, glancing over at him again.
"That helped a lot," Jimmy admitted. "It also helped that he started letting me stay awake more. I mean, no one can come to terms with anything when they're rarely conscious, but when he started giving me more time, it was easier to calm down enough to stop being so paranoid about any of that happening again. You going batshit on an archangel for so much as looking at us the wrong way was also comforting," he noted with a flicker of a smile. "Anyway, being awake for longer stretches of time meant realizing how hard Cas was taking everything, which surprised me. I'd kind of expected him to be above all that, but apparently not, so that's when I started relating to him more and blaming him less and actually processing things."
Dean had half a mind to ask exactly how hard Castiel had taken everything, because even though he knew most of it, surely Jimmy knew more. There hadn't been enough time to really talk about it in the car earlier, but they had enough time now and Dean wanted to know if there was anything Castiel hadn't told him because maybe it would help. He just wasn't sure if it was his place to pry because if there was something Castiel hadn't told him, surely he'd had his reasons.
Before he could make up his mind, Jimmy continued, "More than that, though, I think it was because you guys actually gave a shit about me. I mean, you even grilled me a burger once. Point is, Castiel listened to you and started being more conscious about what I wanted. He even offered to tell me exactly what had happened because he knew I'd been obsessing over it, but I didn't really want to put him through that and anyway, I was starting to think it was probably time to let it go. Cas trying to move on and concentrating on things that weren't just violence and humiliation and fear kind of helped me put things into perspective, I think. So it was enough that he offered, and then there were the little things, too. Even if I just wanted a fry or something, he'd steal one from your plate. And when we were on our own, dealing with other angels, he'd listen to me if I thought he was about to do something that would get us both killed." He paused and added, "I did have to tell him you wouldn't approve before I could dissuade him the first few times, but I guess that's a minor detail. The point is, as far as vessels go, I probably have more control over myself than anyone. It's all I need, really."
Dean watched him for a long while and didn't think he'd be nearly as willing to let an angel -- even Castiel -- possess him, so he had to admire Jimmy for that. "You're really okay with taking him back, huh."
"I guess I have to be," Jimmy said, with a resigned quirk of his lips. Dean didn't doubt that he missed his family. "He does good things. And even if takes him awhile to get back on his feet, I think I can help rather than hinder this time."
It was a strangely pleasant thing for Dean, discovering this unexpected sort of camaraderie he had with Jimmy, one that was built largely on their mutual affection for Castiel. It made him feel like he wouldn't be alone in helping Castiel cope, and that, in turn, made him optimistic. They fell into a comfortable silence, and somehow, it wasn't too unlike sitting next to Castiel.
Suddenly Dean thought to ask, "What does he look like? His true form, I mean. And what does he sound like?"
Jimmy lifted his eyebrows, like he was surprised by the question. Then he pursed his lips thoughtfully. "I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain. He doesn't really sound like anything; it's more like I can... feel his intent. Whatever he's trying to say, I just know it." Dean thought about this and didn't really understand, but he imagined it might be something that took a lot of faith, on Jimmy's part. "As for what he looks like," Jimmy went on with a small smile, "let's just say he's really, really bright and shiny."
Dean snorted softly. "Bright and shiny?"
"Sure. Like a whole lot of light, but sentient, moving light, you know?" Jimmy looked at him and Dean didn't know, but he nodded anyway and tried to imagine it. Then he wondered briefly if Castiel would give him a new pair of eyes if he burnt his out trying to get a glimpse of him.
His thoughts were cut short by Sam yelling his name and bursting into the store.
Dean stood up so Sam could see him over the top of the shelf and winced because he'd forgotten to call. "Hey, Sammy," he said, a bit sheepishly.
Sam was wide eyed and slack jawed and breathing heavily, and the relief in his expression mirrored Dean's own when Castiel had come back. Dean, however, didn't plan to stride up to Castiel and clock him on the jaw when he saw him again, which was what Sam did to him now. And he did it hard enough that Dean staggered to the side and wondered how the hell his jaw was still in place.
He brought his hand up to it gingerly, but before he could do anything else, Sam stepped forward and grabbed him into a bear hug. He was trembling and his uneven breaths were loud in Dean's ear, so Dean hugged him back just as hard and said, "It's alright, Sammy, I'm not going anywhere."
Bobby, who was standing by the store's shattered door, relaxed visibly.
Eventually, Sam let him go and pulled back, saying fiercely, "Don't you ever--"
"I'm sorry," Dean insisted, and Sam pursed his lips but let it go reluctantly.
Then it was Bobby's turn to hug Dean, and when he pulled away, it was with a muttered, "I am getting way too old for this shit."
Dean grinned a little. "Come on, Bobby, you know you'll never be too old for me."
"You can say that at my funeral when I die of a heart attack," Bobby told him sarcastically.
He was only joking, of course, but there was still an undercurrent of ill humor in there and Dean couldn't forget that he'd given them both a very real and very bad scare. His face fell and he was about to apologize again, but Sam spoke up first.
"So what happened with Cas? I assume he got out, or you guys wouldn't have been in here having a nice little chat on the floor."
"He is out," replied Jimmy, who'd stood up as well. "But all he said was to wait for him, so we're not sure where he went."
"Well, do you have to wait for him on the floor of an abandoned gas station convenience store among all the broken glass?" Bobby asked.
"No--"
"Then come on." Bobby turned and they all followed him out in an obedient line.
Dean paused, though, and turned back to say to Jimmy, "Bobby's house is warded against angels. Cas won't be able to get in."
"I'll know when he's near," Jimmy assured him.
Dean nodded, and even though he'd have preferred to stay here where Castiel had asked him to wait, cold floor and broken glass notwithstanding, he figured it was probably silly and he'd already annoyed Sam and Bobby enough for one night. Besides, he had no idea how long Castiel would make him wait.
***
Dean's body was exhausted, but he couldn't sleep when they got back to Bobby's. His thoughts were all over the place, from worrying about how Castiel was faring on his own to anticipating their next meeting. He was equal parts nervous and excited about it, and as he lay in bed and stared up at the window-shaped patch of moonlight on the ceiling, a dozen different scenarios ran through his head.
Maybe Castiel would pretend everything was okay and push Dean away and refuse to talk about it, like Dean had done with Sam when he'd first started remembering Hell, but he hoped not. Or maybe Castiel wouldn't push him away -- would let Dean give him a hug, at least -- but he still wouldn't talk about it. Maybe he would talk about it, and Dean could sit beside him for hours and listen and Castiel would let him be there for him. He hoped for that last scenario the most but knew it was far too optimistic. No one could begin healing that quickly after a stint in Hell, especially those who'd already been hurt and broken once. Dean just hoped Castiel wouldn't be all the way at the other end of the spectrum, either, refusing to let anyone near him and lashing out at anyone who tried.
He was still fretting restlessly when the sound of a pebble hitting his window snapped him into alertness.
Gun in hand, Dean slid out of bed and padded carefully over to the window, keeping out of sight and pressing himself against the wall next to it. Another pebble hit his window, louder this time, and Dean leaned to the side just far enough to peer outside and see what the hell was going on. He was on the second storey and it was dark out, but even so, there was no mistaking the figure that stood there, hands at his sides now and face turned upwards.
"Cas," Dean breathed, so startled the gun slipped out of his hand to fall onto the carpet.
He had no idea why Jimmy hadn't come to tell him Castiel was here, though, and that was enough to make Dean pause before he ran outside empty handed. After only a moment's hesitation, he bent and retrieved his gun. Then he was rushing downstairs, but he stopped again at the bottom with a lump in this throat because there on the couch, sleeping soundly, was none other than Jimmy himself.
Dean swallowed and tightened his grip on the gun as he glared at the front door. But whatever was out there on the other side trying to look like Castiel, Dean was fairly sure it couldn't get into the house, so he didn't have any qualms about opening the door and standing just inside with his gun aimed and ready.
He wasn't expecting Castiel to be right in front of him, standing on the porch now, and he wasn't expecting it to be Castiel. But now that Dean could see him up close, there was no doubting it. His breath hitched as he took in the faint, not-quite-there smile playing about Castiel's lips, the warm affection in Castiel's big, unblinking eyes, the way he held himself -- standing completely straight without expending a single ounce of unnecessary energy -- that was so undeniably Castiel. This was his Cas, and maybe he had some explaining to do regarding the new body, but Dean let go of every uncertainty because Castiel felt like Castiel, and Dean would know his angel anywhere.
The gun clattered to the floor again, and Dean stepped through the doorway, arms raised to pull Castiel into a hug. He hesitated at the last moment and let one hand fall gingerly onto Castiel's shoulder while the other rested against his side because he wasn't sure if this was okay or not, but he only got to give him a single questioning glance before Castiel's arms wrapped around him and crushed their bodies together.
Dean's breath left him in a surprised rush, but a moment later he was hugging Castiel back so hard he was suddenly shaking all over. All the stress from the past day finally left him, to be replaced by relief and wonder and joy. Castiel was here, finally, and he was back, but more importantly, he seemed okay. There was something different about him -- a new sense of confidence and power that was at once unearthly and serene -- and Dean couldn't quite understand it, but it was a good difference and more than he could ever have asked for. All he wanted to do was hold on tighter and say, Hi Cas, please stay with me forever.
He only said, "Hi Cas," in a whisper against Castiel's neck that was just as shaky as he was.
"Hello, Dean," Castiel replied softly in his ear, with so much feeling Dean made a small, needy noise in his throat and melted into him.
"How are you?"
And Castiel replied gently, "I'm fine."
Dean nodded, and it was Castiel who stood firm and held him this time, while Dean breathed in his fresh, unearthly scent and burrowed into the very real and very solid circle of his arms. Their bodies fit against each other snugly, and really, if it were up to Dean, he'd never let go of this again -- never let go of Castiel again -- and he was being such a girl it made him laugh once, breathlessly. He didn't even care anymore, because it didn't matter if it meant that Dean got to stay like this, with Castiel.
When Castiel tilted his head in response to his laugh, Dean could feel the movement against him, and it was such an endearing, Castiel thing to do that he laughed again and closed his eyes. Even if Castiel turned out to be less okay than he seemed right now, and even if the cracks started showing again as soon as their giddiness wore off, Dean's life had this one, perfect moment in it, and for once he put off worrying about all other moments and let himself enjoy this for what it was: a bit of simple happiness.
After an indefinite stretch of time, Castiel murmured with a hint of concern, "Dean."
"Cas?"
"You're cold," he chided.
Dean hadn't stopped shaking, and now he realized it was probably due to the fact that he was outside, wearing a t-shirt and pajama bottoms and standing barefoot on cold concrete in the middle of the night. And it was March. "Shhh," he whispered, because even though he was apparently kind of freezing, he wasn't quite ready to let go yet and he didn't want Castiel to make him. "Aren't you supposed to be able to keep me warm or something?" Without waiting for an answer, Dean unwrapped his arms from around Castiel, only to slide them into the warmth of his suit jacket and curl them around his back just because Castiel was here and he could.
After that he was much warmer and his shivers subsided, and Dean suspected it wasn't just because of Castiel's body heat. Body heat wouldn't explain why his bare toes started feeling warm and tingly too, and he grinned against Castiel's neck because this? Was awesome.
Dean's lips were still pulled into a grin when Castiel turned his face inward and pressed his own lips against them.
For a moment all Dean felt was shock, and he froze in place as his eyes snapped open. Castiel's eyes were so close and so big, and Dean searched them wildly. He stopped breathing, too, and the warm air that passed between his slightly parted lips was Castiel's breath, sweet and clean.
Then Castiel pulled away a few inches and searched Dean's eyes just as hard as Dean was searching his.
A heartbeat later, Dean whispered hoarsely, "What was that for?" He couldn't forget that the last time a kiss had happened between them, Castiel had wound up trying to give himself to Dean as a sex toy. And now he'd just spent two months in Hell no doubt surrounded by demons eager to get a piece of angel, so Dean was more than a little wary about where this was coming from and what was going on inside his head.
"I--" Castiel began, but then he licked his lips and dropped his gaze almost bashfully. Instead of saying anything more, he let his eyes flicker back up to Dean's very briefly before he looked down again, ducked his head, and hid his face against Dean's neck.
To say Dean was bewildered would have been an understatement, but he didn't press the issue. They would have plenty of time to talk about it later, he supposed. For now, both his mind and his heart raced, and he held on to Castiel with a lot more uncertainty.
It took Jimmy clearing his throat from behind Dean for them to let go of each other.
That was quite the surreal experience for Dean, turning away from Castiel to see someone who looked identical to him. He was a lot less embarrassed about being caught having a Moment with his angel than he probably should have been, but then again, it wasn't like Jimmy hadn't shared quite a few of Dean and Castiel's Moments before.
"Nice body," Jimmy commented lightly with a lift of his eyebrows as he stepped outside and onto the porch with them.
Dean huffed in amusement and looked to Castiel, who explained, "I asked Michael to fashion this one for me."
"Was he the one who pulled you out?" Dean asked.
Castiel shook his head. "I fought my own way out of Hell."
Jimmy looked impressed. Dean whistled lightly and couldn't believe he'd been so panicked at the thought of Castiel alone down in Hell. All this time he'd been assuming the worst, and now it turned out that Castiel was just fine. Dean should've known he could take care of himself since he was a goddamned angel, after all, and furthermore, he was the angel who'd pulled Dean out to begin with. He supposed that also explained the feeling he'd gotten earlier that Castiel had come back somehow more confident and powerful. "Look at you, all badass and smitey warrior of God."
Castiel seemed to find the compliment both embarrassing and pleasing, and Dean had to grin a little at the way he shifted on his feet and almost blushed.
"So what now?" Jimmy asked, with a note of wary hope.
"I will take you back to your family," Castiel told him.
"We'll still be a target."
"I've kept your family safe for as long as I've been on Earth, haven't I?" Castiel pointed out. "You will be safe with them."
Jimmy nodded and seemed to trust him. "What about you, then?"
"I will stay with Dean and we'll keep fighting."
"And you guys will be okay?" he asked, arching his eyebrows and glancing between Dean and Castiel.
Castiel also glanced at Dean before he said, "We'll get by. You shouldn't worry about us anymore, Jimmy. You've been a good host. Letting you return to your family is the least I could do to thank you."
For a while Jimmy just looked at him, but then it seemed to finally dawn on him that he was really going home and he smiled a small, slow smile. "Thanks, Cas."
Castiel hesitated for a heartbeat before saying, "I'm sorry for--"
"Cas." Jimmy spoke over him, and when Castiel stopped talking, he repeated, "Thanks."
Castiel nodded and seemed to get it. Dean couldn't help but feel happy that the fight was over for one of them, at least, even if it wasn't him. Looking at Jimmy, he also couldn't help but vow that he'd make Castiel smile like that someday.
He realized he was staring when Jimmy turned to him and said, "Guess this is it, then."
"Guess so," Dean agreed. He held his hand out, but Jimmy took it and pulled him into a hug, which made him the fourth person who had hugged Dean within the past few hours. It was probably some kind of record that Dean should be embarrassed about, but he hugged Jimmy back anyway. It was loose and friendly and nothing like the hug he'd just shared with Castiel, and it lasted only briefly.
When they pulled away, Castiel said to Dean, "I'll be back soon." Then he put two fingers against Jimmy's forehead and the two of them were gone.
Dean stood alone on the porch and touched his fingers lightly to his lips.
***
Not only did Castiel come back soon, as he'd promised, he came back with the Impala, which they'd left in Nevada the day before where Lucifer had found them.
"You," Dean declared, "are the best." He was waiting out on the porch, this time with socks, a coat, and a beer to keep him warm, and he smiled as Castiel walked up to him.
"Come with me?" he asked.
"Sure." Dean didn't ask where Castiel wanted to take him because his answer would have been the same no matter what. "Let me write Sam a quick note, though, before he discovers I'm gone and freaks out."
He ducked back into the house and scribbled a note -- Out with Cas, save the heart attacks -- which he left on the kitchen table for Sam and Bobby. Then he went outside again to where Castiel was standing exactly where he'd left him.
Castiel took him to somewhere where it was almost dawn, and they stood on top of a grassy hill overlooking vast, rolling plains. Not only was it a lot brighter here than it had been in South Dakota, it was also a lot warmer, and Dean shrugged off his coat. "Where is this?"
"Senegal."
"You brought me to Africa?" Dean asked, tearing his gaze away from the landscape to eye Castiel bemusedly.
"I thought you'd prefer this to being high up in the mountains," Castiel said with that patented earnestness of his. "And you won't be cold here."
Dean chuckled to himself and sat down in the grass, stretching his legs out in front of him and propping himself back on his hands, and after a moment Castiel joined him. Instead of imitating Dean, though, he crossed his legs and sat upright, and they both watched the pink tinge in the sky grow and spread slowly.
Eventually Dean asked, "You were really okay down there? They didn't--?" He couldn't quite bring himself to say it, but he knew Castiel would know what he meant.
"No, I was able to fight them," Castiel reassured him, and Dean relaxed and nodded. His relief at knowing this was almost indescribable, but he also felt exceedingly stupid for having overreacted so badly. He'd almost killed himself, for fuck's sake, and then Castiel might have felt like he had to go back down to Hell just to retrieve his sorry ass again. Dean made a face at himself and Castiel observed, "You seem embarrassed."
If Dean hadn't been embarrassed before, he certainly would have been now that Castiel had pointed it out. "Yeah, well, I was more worried than I should have been, okay?" he muttered, scratching the back of his neck as he did so.
"I know," Castiel said softly.
There was something in his voice -- a hint of something approaching awe, maybe -- that made Dean look over at him, and there it was in his eyes, too, quiet and understated but definitely present. Being looked at like that had Dean shifting uncomfortably. "What?"
"I never expected that you might go to such great lengths," Castiel confessed slowly. "For me."
Dean looked away and picked at the grass beside him. "So you heard me, huh."
"Every word."
It wasn't nearly as gratifying to hear as Dean had imagined it could be, and he winced slightly. "And now you're probably laughing at me on the inside."
"No," Castiel replied, sounding confused and like he couldn't possibly fathom why Dean would say that.
Dean glanced at him to see that Castiel's head was canted to one side. "You couldn't have busted out before I'd made a spectacle of myself and given Sam and Bobby heart attacks?" he asked a bit sullenly.
"No," Castiel said again. "I couldn't have." Dean raised his eyebrows and didn't understand, so he explained. "I could fend them off out of fear, but I didn't have the strength to fight my way through them until I learned what you intended to do and became... distressed," he finished carefully, eyes narrowing slightly on the last word. From the way he said it, Dean thought he might as well have heard desperate.
He could kind of imagine it, his angel not being able to do much more than keep the demons at bay until it had come time to save Dean's ass again. It made him snort softly and say, "What a pair we are, eh?"
Castiel didn't seem to know how to respond to that, so he simply stared at Dean and didn't say anything.
Dean gave him a wry smile and said, "I'm glad I could help."
When Castiel again made no effort to respond, Dean looked out over the plains, which were much greener now that they were bathed in morning sunlight. It was nice here, and so peaceful, but Dean couldn't focus on the view when he could still feel Castiel's eyes on him, studying him intently. When it became a little much, Dean asked evenly, "You gonna tell me what that kiss was about?"
That succeeded in making Castiel glance away, so now it was Dean's turn to do a little staring. The sunlight seemed to highlight Castiel's profile and cloak him in an even more ethereal aura than he usually carried about him, and it still took Dean by surprise, sometimes, to have this visual reminder that his nice, ordinary Cas was something holy that could apparently fight off hundreds of demons at a time in his true form. Even in this form, he was beautiful and terrifying in a way that didn't actually terrify Dean at all. His first instinct was to touch, but he didn't, and forced himself to wait quietly instead.
"Jimmy kissed Amelia when they saw each other again," Castiel said suddenly, staring at the grass in front of him and catching Dean off guard.
"And?"
"And it was..." Castiel bit his lip as he searched for the right word. "Intimate," he finished, and looked back up at Dean. It was an almost hopeful sort of look, like he was seeking affirmation.
Dean wasn't sure how to give him that, though, so he pointed out, "You kissed me before you took Jimmy home." He could have understood if Castiel had watched Jimmy and Amelia and decided that he wanted that with Dean, and Dean would even have been pretty fucking happy in that case, but that wasn't how it had happened. He still didn't know what Castiel had been thinking.
"You kissed me first," Castiel hedged.
"That was months ago!"
Castiel bit his lip and asked, "You don't want to anymore?"
It was all Dean could do to not roll his eyes. "Look, we're talking about you. You freaked out and told me in no uncertain terms that you didn't want to go there. So what changed your mind, aside from getting a brand spankin' new body from the mother of all craven, heartless sons of--"
"Dean," Castiel admonished, speaking over him. "You shouldn't speak of Michael like that."
Dean glowered and said, "It's true."
Castiel pursed his lips. "Disobedience is an immeasurably great and terrifying step, you can't expect him to take it just because you asked."
"You did."
"And I still have you," Castiel said without missing a beat. "Much more rests on Michael's shoulders, and he has no one."
Dean snorted. "Bullshit. He has all of Heaven. He could turn it into his very own Full House if he wanted, and Zach could be the dog, Comet. Fitting name, right?" Castiel furrowed his brow in confusion, and Dean closed his eyes briefly before opening them again and saying, "Point is, he just doesn't give a shit."
"He does," Castiel insisted. "He made this body for me as an apology and told me he regretted not being able to help."
"And you believed him?" Dean snorted in annoyance and shook his head. But it wasn't like he could somehow make Castiel less impossibly gullible, so returned to the issue at hand. "Whatever, Cas. Just tell me why you changed your mind."
Castiel pressed his lips together pensively and his eyes flickered away for a moment before he admitted, "I didn't want to be like those women you share yourself with for a night and then never think about again. But then you--" He stopped and then said, more softly, "Now I know it wouldn't be like that."
Dean glanced from one big, blue eye to the other. "So, what are you saying, all I had to do this entire time was tell you I'd kill myself for you and you'd have swooned? Wow, Cas, I hope you're not looking for big, romantic gestures like that all the time."
Castiel huffed a little in frustration and confessed, with some difficulty, "I was afraid, too, even though I shouldn't have been. But I no longer feel so weak." And that was such a raw, honest answer that Dean couldn't be prickly anymore. Castiel wasn't finished, though. He added almost defiantly, "And I wanted to."
That made Dean smile. That was the answer he'd wanted to hear. "Wanna try again?"
When Castiel nodded, Dean leaned toward him and lifted a hand to his chin to draw him forward. Castiel followed his hand, willing but wide eyed, and they were both breathing shallowly. "Close your eyes," Dean said softly, and Castiel let his eyes flutter shut with only a tiny amount of hesitation. He watched the way Castiel's dark eyelashes rested against his skin and curved up toward Dean at the tips so invitingly, and on impulse, he kissed Castiel's eyelids first, one after the other, just as he had the first time. His lips lingered for long enough that he could feel Castiel's eyes move under his eyelids, and then Dean closed his own eyes and kissed him on the lips.
This time, Castiel didn't freak out and shove him away. It was like those other two kisses had never happened and this was their first time. His lips parted slightly against Dean's and he leaned forward so far Dean thought he must be straining himself to stay balanced. So he took the hand that was under Castiel's chin and slid it around to the small of his back, and when he lay back onto the grass, he brought Castiel with him. Castiel ended up half on top of him and half beside him in what was probably not the most comfortable position ever, but his arm curled around Dean and it was better than before, so Dean focused his attention on the way their lips were still brushing and sliding against one another's.
He focused on every detail of it, drawing his lips from the center of Castiel's, which were soft and full, to the corners, where the stubble prickled Dean's lips a little in a completely unfamiliar way. But he savored the sensation because it was Castiel's stubble, and Dean wanted to experience everything that was Castiel. His lips mapped out the rougher, drier patches of Castiel's and he spent more time on those, parting his own lips a little more when he kissed them to breathe some moisture onto them. Castiel breathed it back, shudderingly, and Dean savored that especially because Castiel's flavor was a warm, enticing one.
Dean didn't slip his tongue past Castiel's lips and into the alluring warmth there, though, not when there was still so much to feel just on the surface, from the shape of his mouth to the little ridged dip in the center of his upper lip. It was enough for Dean to just bask in this, in the way Castiel was kissing him back, lips parted inexpertly and moving against his in a way that was so endearingly eager to discover and feel. This wasn't the sort of kiss that led to anything more; it was easy and affectionate and not something Dean had ever had the patience for before because kissing was just a fun part of foreplay, but now he found that kissing Castiel just for the sake of kissing him was also a lot fun. It was exactly what he'd wanted to do for so long, after all, and this really was Castiel, who Dean had given up on ever being able to have this with, so now he took the miracle for what it was and enjoyed it fully and didn't ask for more.
It lasted for several gloriously slow, breathless minutes, and when Dean opened his eyes again, Castiel was already watching him back. This time, the awe in his eyes wasn't understated, and it made Dean smile rather than feel uncomfortable. "So was that what you were hoping for?" he murmured against Castiel's mouth.
"More," Castiel replied, and Dean wasn't sure if he meant it was more than what he'd been hoping for or if he just wanted to be kissed some more, but he kissed him some more anyway.
This time it was lazier and Dean actually began feeling warm and drowsy. At some point, Castiel even shifted to settle more comfortably against him as they kissed. Dean tightened his arm around him and chuckled softly at his own good luck in being able to have this and at the world at large, which seemed to have stopped dying for the moment to wait for them. "Trust you to be one who'd go to Hell and come out better off for it."
Castiel paused with his lips still open on Dean's and pulled away just far enough to be able to look down at him. "I never want to go back there," he said with a quiet fierceness.
Dean supposed it could be because Castiel just didn't want to spend another two months fighting off demons nonstop, but there seemed to be more to it, so he asked, "What happened down there that you're not telling me?"
Castiel glanced away but didn't reply.
"Hey." Dean nudged him gently with the hand that was still on Castiel's back.
"They were in so much pain, Dean," Castiel finally said with a frown. "The first time I went into Hell, I didn't spare anyone but you a single thought because I didn't understand. But this time it was different." His eyes narrowed at the end.
Dean knew exactly how he felt, but aside from that, there was this flicker of something inside him that was still guilt-ridden and insecure and destructive. It made him remind Castiel, "I did that to thousands of them."
Castiel glanced at him in faint surprise, and then he said, "I know. But you stopped."
And somehow, because Castiel hadn't tried to say that it hadn't really been Dean who'd done all of those things, it was enough to soothe the little flicker. Dean gave Castiel a brief, one-armed squeeze and asked, "Who decides which souls go to Heaven and which souls go to Hell?"
"I don't know," Castiel said unhappily.
"Well, if it's Zach and his buddies and we somehow end up winning this war, we'll find a way to get rid of those little shits and make sure everything's done right," Dean told him in his most reassuring voice. He said it more to make Castiel feel better than because he actually had any real hope of being able to change anything, and Castiel seemed to know that, but he also seemed to feel better anyway.
His lips quirked a little and he let the issue drop, sitting up and saying instead, "You're exhausted, Dean, I've kept you up long enough. You should go back to Bobby's and get some sleep."
But Dean noticed he didn't follow through on the thought and just take them back already, so he wheedled, "Or we could stay here." He was reluctant to leave and go back to his life yet, so maybe Castiel was too. And he knew it was just an illusion and that Bobby's house was actually safer, technically, but it seemed that here, in the middle of an African plain where it was just him and Castiel, they were untouchable. Dean scooted around so that his head was pillowed in Castiel's lap and he looked up at him with a cheeky, "All you have to do is make sure I don't get sunburned."
Castiel regarded him with fond exasperation and Dean knew he'd won. He closed his eyes, feeling smug and languid, and actually hummed a little in pleasure when Castiel's fingers began running through his hair.
Part 16
Characters: Dean and Castiel, Jimmy, Sam, Bobby
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~7,800
Notes:
ibroketuesday sent the Jimmy scenes back to me for edits 15+ times, no joke, so PLEASE LIKE IT. :P That is all.Summary: In which there are several conversations and this fic becomes a hug!fic. Also, Dean and Castiel go to Africa.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14
Dean's head snapped up and all the air in his body left him in a wheezed, "What?"
Jimmy was standing at the end of the aisle, wide eyed and breathless himself, and now he hurried over to Dean and knelt in front of him. "It's Cas," he repeated. "He's back."
His words did funny things to Dean's heart, which couldn't seem to make up its mind between pounding against his ribcage and stopping altogether somewhere in his throat. When Dean remembered to breathe and found his voice again, he managed to ask, "How?"
"I dunno," Jimmy said with a slight shake of his head. "He didn't say."
Maybe Michael had pulled him out after all, or maybe it had been another angel, or maybe he'd done it himself, or maybe Lucifer had changed his mind, or hell, maybe it was even God who'd finally decided to show a little mercy. A dozen hectic thoughts chased each other through Dean's head, but then he realized something: none of them mattered. Castiel was back. He couldn't quite believe it. "You're sure?"
"Yes!"
Dean let out a half laugh of bone-melting relief, and if he hadn't already been on the floor, he would have sunk to it now. Instead, he switched the safety of his gun back on with fingers that were still shaking, then sat back and leaned against one of the shelves, looking up at the ceiling and feeling kind of dazed. He couldn't tell if it was from the aftereffects of Castiel's voice or from the news, but he was also feeling really fucking happy, and that was definitely from the news. "Is he still here?" he asked, unable to keep the eagerness out of his voice. "Why hasn't he, you know." Here he made a vague, hopefully possession-like gesture at Jimmy. "When can I see him?"
Jimmy sat beside Dean and hesitated for a moment before replying, "He told me to tell you to wait for him, and then he disappeared."
Some of Dean's happiness slipped instantly, to be replaced by worry. He remembered now that getting Castiel back was only the first step. It would probably take many more for Castiel to be okay. "Wait for him to do what?" he asked, kind of nervously.
When Jimmy shrugged, it struck Dean as an unhappy gesture. "Don't know, that's all he said."
Dean bit his lip. If Castiel was on Earth again but didn't want his vessel, maybe it meant he just couldn't deal with being back in a human body yet. Dean could understand that, of course, but it made him wonder how long he'd have to wait to see Castiel again. Utterly selfish though it was, he couldn't help but hope it wouldn't be months and months before Castiel was ready.
It seemed Jimmy could guess what he was thinking. "Look, no matter how bad it might be, I think he'll be in a better place to deal with it this time," he offered even though he was obviously concerned himself.
Dean glanced over at him and tried to gauge how much of that was what Jimmy actually thought and how much of it was for Dean's benefit. The guy seemed earnest enough, but Dean was wary of being too hopeful. "What makes you say that?"
"Last time came hard on the heels of his big leap of faith," Jimmy pointed out. "He disobeyed and lost everything he'd ever known and everything he'd ever defined himself by, and it was all for nothing. Lucifer rose anyway. I think the identity loss thing was especially difficult because, well, that would make anyone impressionable, right? And instead of having a single positive, reaffirming experience, he was half killed by his own brothers and spent the next three months with demons who were bent on convincing him he was weak and worthless and unwanted. Can you blame him for believing them?"
Hearing it put like that made Dean wince.
"Yeah," Jimmy agreed with a twist of his lips. "But this time, he's still got you to fall back on, and he's still got some sense of who he is and a purpose. Not feeling lost and abandoned will go a long way in helping him cope, trust me."
Dean did trust him, because if anyone could know how Castiel's mind worked, of course it was Jimmy, who apparently felt the things Castiel felt. Something occurred to Dean, then, and he frowned. "Still, it'll take some time, and meanwhile it's not gonna be a walk in the park for you, either, is it? If he comes back broken."
"Maybe," Jimmy conceded. And even though he looked uneasy, he said, "But I mean, it'll be different this time." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince Dean, and Dean found himself feeling sorry for the guy. "Last time we fed off of each others' anger," Jimmy continued. "He hated having me as a vessel because it was a constant reminder of all the pain and everything else, and that made me hate him back. I blamed him for for letting all of that happen to my body and was just furious with him all around, so between the two of us, it spiraled out of control. It's hard enough living with someone else inside your head even without all that anger and bitterness directed back and forth."
"It wasn't his fault, though," Dean pointed out, unable to help getting a little defensive on Castiel's behalf. Of course he sympathized with Jimmy, but Castiel had done everything he could for him. "It's unfair to say he let all of that happen."
"I know," Jimmy reassured him, "but I refused to see it any other way for a long time. I guess it was just easy to blame him because he was the one who'd been calling all the shots right up 'til when we were captured." He stopped and frowned and Dean wasn't sure what to say to that, so he waited for Jimmy to continue. Jimmy turned his head to look away from Dean before he said, "I don't know if you've ever been possessed, but even when it's an angel, it's never easy to not be in control of your own body, you know? And sure, I willingly gave mine to him to use, but not like that. He was supposed to take care of it. When I woke up for the first time in months to discover that everything had been turned upside down and had to glean from his thoughts what had happened..." Jimmy pursed his lips and shook his head, and a muscle in his jaw clenched. "I don't think I can put to words how violated and helpless that made me feel. He wouldn't tell me details, and maybe not knowing was worse than knowing would have been because I kept wondering and wondering and it became the only thing I could think about. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I was that he'd humiliated me, but the worst part was, for the longest time I was terrified he'd let it happen again and I wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about it the second time either. Every time I felt myself losing consciousness, I dreaded what I'd find out upon waking up. And instead of dealing with me, he just kept putting me to sleep." He snorted in frustration and said, "All I wanted was to have a say about what happened to me, or I just wanted to crawl out of my skin, but I couldn't do either. I couldn't do anything, not even vent by punching a freaking pillow."
Dean grimaced as he listened. He'd never been possessed himself, but trying to imagine Jimmy's helplessness made him vastly uncomfortable all the same. He was a little surprised the guy was being so open with him, but then again, Dean supposed Jimmy had spent a lot of time getting used to him and it wasn't like he had anybody else to talk to. Maybe he even liked Dean, if his wanting to keep Dean company was anything to go by. Hell, he'd basically given Dean permission to have sex with him, earlier. Dean grimaced some more at the thought. "And after all that you'd still let Cas use your body for sex?"
Jimmy gave him a wry look. "Well, he wouldn't do anything if I didn't want him to, so I guess I trust him. I'm not worried about it." He shrugged.
Dean wasn't convinced. Jimmy wasn't a piece of meat, and even if he was okay with his body being used like that, Dean suddenly wasn't. It wasn't fair to the guy, especially after everything he'd been through, and now that Dean was getting to know him a little better, he couldn't shake the somewhat disturbing feeling that anything he and Castiel did together would inevitably be some sort of creepy threesome in which the third person wasn't even awake. He shook his head. "Thanks, but I think Cas and I are just fine the way we are."
"What if he winds up wanting more?"
Dean made a face at him. "Is this not weird for you? I mean, seriously, you're sitting here talking about having sex with me when as far as I can tell, we're both straight dudes." It was certainly weird for Dean, especially since he wasn't in the least bit attracted to Jimmy. He looked exactly like Castiel, sure, but it wasn't the same.
Jimmy laughed a little and seemed to relax suddenly. He even smirked. "But Dean, we've already slept together. Cuddled, even. In bed."
Dean groaned and tilted his head back until it hit the shelf behind them none too gently. He couldn't see Jimmy anymore, but he could still feel him smirking.
After a while, Jimmy said, more seriously, "Really, though. It would be okay. I've moved on."
"What, just because Cas started getting better?" Dean asked skeptically, glancing over at him again.
"That helped a lot," Jimmy admitted. "It also helped that he started letting me stay awake more. I mean, no one can come to terms with anything when they're rarely conscious, but when he started giving me more time, it was easier to calm down enough to stop being so paranoid about any of that happening again. You going batshit on an archangel for so much as looking at us the wrong way was also comforting," he noted with a flicker of a smile. "Anyway, being awake for longer stretches of time meant realizing how hard Cas was taking everything, which surprised me. I'd kind of expected him to be above all that, but apparently not, so that's when I started relating to him more and blaming him less and actually processing things."
Dean had half a mind to ask exactly how hard Castiel had taken everything, because even though he knew most of it, surely Jimmy knew more. There hadn't been enough time to really talk about it in the car earlier, but they had enough time now and Dean wanted to know if there was anything Castiel hadn't told him because maybe it would help. He just wasn't sure if it was his place to pry because if there was something Castiel hadn't told him, surely he'd had his reasons.
Before he could make up his mind, Jimmy continued, "More than that, though, I think it was because you guys actually gave a shit about me. I mean, you even grilled me a burger once. Point is, Castiel listened to you and started being more conscious about what I wanted. He even offered to tell me exactly what had happened because he knew I'd been obsessing over it, but I didn't really want to put him through that and anyway, I was starting to think it was probably time to let it go. Cas trying to move on and concentrating on things that weren't just violence and humiliation and fear kind of helped me put things into perspective, I think. So it was enough that he offered, and then there were the little things, too. Even if I just wanted a fry or something, he'd steal one from your plate. And when we were on our own, dealing with other angels, he'd listen to me if I thought he was about to do something that would get us both killed." He paused and added, "I did have to tell him you wouldn't approve before I could dissuade him the first few times, but I guess that's a minor detail. The point is, as far as vessels go, I probably have more control over myself than anyone. It's all I need, really."
Dean watched him for a long while and didn't think he'd be nearly as willing to let an angel -- even Castiel -- possess him, so he had to admire Jimmy for that. "You're really okay with taking him back, huh."
"I guess I have to be," Jimmy said, with a resigned quirk of his lips. Dean didn't doubt that he missed his family. "He does good things. And even if takes him awhile to get back on his feet, I think I can help rather than hinder this time."
It was a strangely pleasant thing for Dean, discovering this unexpected sort of camaraderie he had with Jimmy, one that was built largely on their mutual affection for Castiel. It made him feel like he wouldn't be alone in helping Castiel cope, and that, in turn, made him optimistic. They fell into a comfortable silence, and somehow, it wasn't too unlike sitting next to Castiel.
Suddenly Dean thought to ask, "What does he look like? His true form, I mean. And what does he sound like?"
Jimmy lifted his eyebrows, like he was surprised by the question. Then he pursed his lips thoughtfully. "I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain. He doesn't really sound like anything; it's more like I can... feel his intent. Whatever he's trying to say, I just know it." Dean thought about this and didn't really understand, but he imagined it might be something that took a lot of faith, on Jimmy's part. "As for what he looks like," Jimmy went on with a small smile, "let's just say he's really, really bright and shiny."
Dean snorted softly. "Bright and shiny?"
"Sure. Like a whole lot of light, but sentient, moving light, you know?" Jimmy looked at him and Dean didn't know, but he nodded anyway and tried to imagine it. Then he wondered briefly if Castiel would give him a new pair of eyes if he burnt his out trying to get a glimpse of him.
His thoughts were cut short by Sam yelling his name and bursting into the store.
Dean stood up so Sam could see him over the top of the shelf and winced because he'd forgotten to call. "Hey, Sammy," he said, a bit sheepishly.
Sam was wide eyed and slack jawed and breathing heavily, and the relief in his expression mirrored Dean's own when Castiel had come back. Dean, however, didn't plan to stride up to Castiel and clock him on the jaw when he saw him again, which was what Sam did to him now. And he did it hard enough that Dean staggered to the side and wondered how the hell his jaw was still in place.
He brought his hand up to it gingerly, but before he could do anything else, Sam stepped forward and grabbed him into a bear hug. He was trembling and his uneven breaths were loud in Dean's ear, so Dean hugged him back just as hard and said, "It's alright, Sammy, I'm not going anywhere."
Bobby, who was standing by the store's shattered door, relaxed visibly.
Eventually, Sam let him go and pulled back, saying fiercely, "Don't you ever--"
"I'm sorry," Dean insisted, and Sam pursed his lips but let it go reluctantly.
Then it was Bobby's turn to hug Dean, and when he pulled away, it was with a muttered, "I am getting way too old for this shit."
Dean grinned a little. "Come on, Bobby, you know you'll never be too old for me."
"You can say that at my funeral when I die of a heart attack," Bobby told him sarcastically.
He was only joking, of course, but there was still an undercurrent of ill humor in there and Dean couldn't forget that he'd given them both a very real and very bad scare. His face fell and he was about to apologize again, but Sam spoke up first.
"So what happened with Cas? I assume he got out, or you guys wouldn't have been in here having a nice little chat on the floor."
"He is out," replied Jimmy, who'd stood up as well. "But all he said was to wait for him, so we're not sure where he went."
"Well, do you have to wait for him on the floor of an abandoned gas station convenience store among all the broken glass?" Bobby asked.
"No--"
"Then come on." Bobby turned and they all followed him out in an obedient line.
Dean paused, though, and turned back to say to Jimmy, "Bobby's house is warded against angels. Cas won't be able to get in."
"I'll know when he's near," Jimmy assured him.
Dean nodded, and even though he'd have preferred to stay here where Castiel had asked him to wait, cold floor and broken glass notwithstanding, he figured it was probably silly and he'd already annoyed Sam and Bobby enough for one night. Besides, he had no idea how long Castiel would make him wait.
***
Dean's body was exhausted, but he couldn't sleep when they got back to Bobby's. His thoughts were all over the place, from worrying about how Castiel was faring on his own to anticipating their next meeting. He was equal parts nervous and excited about it, and as he lay in bed and stared up at the window-shaped patch of moonlight on the ceiling, a dozen different scenarios ran through his head.
Maybe Castiel would pretend everything was okay and push Dean away and refuse to talk about it, like Dean had done with Sam when he'd first started remembering Hell, but he hoped not. Or maybe Castiel wouldn't push him away -- would let Dean give him a hug, at least -- but he still wouldn't talk about it. Maybe he would talk about it, and Dean could sit beside him for hours and listen and Castiel would let him be there for him. He hoped for that last scenario the most but knew it was far too optimistic. No one could begin healing that quickly after a stint in Hell, especially those who'd already been hurt and broken once. Dean just hoped Castiel wouldn't be all the way at the other end of the spectrum, either, refusing to let anyone near him and lashing out at anyone who tried.
He was still fretting restlessly when the sound of a pebble hitting his window snapped him into alertness.
Gun in hand, Dean slid out of bed and padded carefully over to the window, keeping out of sight and pressing himself against the wall next to it. Another pebble hit his window, louder this time, and Dean leaned to the side just far enough to peer outside and see what the hell was going on. He was on the second storey and it was dark out, but even so, there was no mistaking the figure that stood there, hands at his sides now and face turned upwards.
"Cas," Dean breathed, so startled the gun slipped out of his hand to fall onto the carpet.
He had no idea why Jimmy hadn't come to tell him Castiel was here, though, and that was enough to make Dean pause before he ran outside empty handed. After only a moment's hesitation, he bent and retrieved his gun. Then he was rushing downstairs, but he stopped again at the bottom with a lump in this throat because there on the couch, sleeping soundly, was none other than Jimmy himself.
Dean swallowed and tightened his grip on the gun as he glared at the front door. But whatever was out there on the other side trying to look like Castiel, Dean was fairly sure it couldn't get into the house, so he didn't have any qualms about opening the door and standing just inside with his gun aimed and ready.
He wasn't expecting Castiel to be right in front of him, standing on the porch now, and he wasn't expecting it to be Castiel. But now that Dean could see him up close, there was no doubting it. His breath hitched as he took in the faint, not-quite-there smile playing about Castiel's lips, the warm affection in Castiel's big, unblinking eyes, the way he held himself -- standing completely straight without expending a single ounce of unnecessary energy -- that was so undeniably Castiel. This was his Cas, and maybe he had some explaining to do regarding the new body, but Dean let go of every uncertainty because Castiel felt like Castiel, and Dean would know his angel anywhere.
The gun clattered to the floor again, and Dean stepped through the doorway, arms raised to pull Castiel into a hug. He hesitated at the last moment and let one hand fall gingerly onto Castiel's shoulder while the other rested against his side because he wasn't sure if this was okay or not, but he only got to give him a single questioning glance before Castiel's arms wrapped around him and crushed their bodies together.
Dean's breath left him in a surprised rush, but a moment later he was hugging Castiel back so hard he was suddenly shaking all over. All the stress from the past day finally left him, to be replaced by relief and wonder and joy. Castiel was here, finally, and he was back, but more importantly, he seemed okay. There was something different about him -- a new sense of confidence and power that was at once unearthly and serene -- and Dean couldn't quite understand it, but it was a good difference and more than he could ever have asked for. All he wanted to do was hold on tighter and say, Hi Cas, please stay with me forever.
He only said, "Hi Cas," in a whisper against Castiel's neck that was just as shaky as he was.
"Hello, Dean," Castiel replied softly in his ear, with so much feeling Dean made a small, needy noise in his throat and melted into him.
"How are you?"
And Castiel replied gently, "I'm fine."
Dean nodded, and it was Castiel who stood firm and held him this time, while Dean breathed in his fresh, unearthly scent and burrowed into the very real and very solid circle of his arms. Their bodies fit against each other snugly, and really, if it were up to Dean, he'd never let go of this again -- never let go of Castiel again -- and he was being such a girl it made him laugh once, breathlessly. He didn't even care anymore, because it didn't matter if it meant that Dean got to stay like this, with Castiel.
When Castiel tilted his head in response to his laugh, Dean could feel the movement against him, and it was such an endearing, Castiel thing to do that he laughed again and closed his eyes. Even if Castiel turned out to be less okay than he seemed right now, and even if the cracks started showing again as soon as their giddiness wore off, Dean's life had this one, perfect moment in it, and for once he put off worrying about all other moments and let himself enjoy this for what it was: a bit of simple happiness.
After an indefinite stretch of time, Castiel murmured with a hint of concern, "Dean."
"Cas?"
"You're cold," he chided.
Dean hadn't stopped shaking, and now he realized it was probably due to the fact that he was outside, wearing a t-shirt and pajama bottoms and standing barefoot on cold concrete in the middle of the night. And it was March. "Shhh," he whispered, because even though he was apparently kind of freezing, he wasn't quite ready to let go yet and he didn't want Castiel to make him. "Aren't you supposed to be able to keep me warm or something?" Without waiting for an answer, Dean unwrapped his arms from around Castiel, only to slide them into the warmth of his suit jacket and curl them around his back just because Castiel was here and he could.
After that he was much warmer and his shivers subsided, and Dean suspected it wasn't just because of Castiel's body heat. Body heat wouldn't explain why his bare toes started feeling warm and tingly too, and he grinned against Castiel's neck because this? Was awesome.
Dean's lips were still pulled into a grin when Castiel turned his face inward and pressed his own lips against them.
For a moment all Dean felt was shock, and he froze in place as his eyes snapped open. Castiel's eyes were so close and so big, and Dean searched them wildly. He stopped breathing, too, and the warm air that passed between his slightly parted lips was Castiel's breath, sweet and clean.
Then Castiel pulled away a few inches and searched Dean's eyes just as hard as Dean was searching his.
A heartbeat later, Dean whispered hoarsely, "What was that for?" He couldn't forget that the last time a kiss had happened between them, Castiel had wound up trying to give himself to Dean as a sex toy. And now he'd just spent two months in Hell no doubt surrounded by demons eager to get a piece of angel, so Dean was more than a little wary about where this was coming from and what was going on inside his head.
"I--" Castiel began, but then he licked his lips and dropped his gaze almost bashfully. Instead of saying anything more, he let his eyes flicker back up to Dean's very briefly before he looked down again, ducked his head, and hid his face against Dean's neck.
To say Dean was bewildered would have been an understatement, but he didn't press the issue. They would have plenty of time to talk about it later, he supposed. For now, both his mind and his heart raced, and he held on to Castiel with a lot more uncertainty.
It took Jimmy clearing his throat from behind Dean for them to let go of each other.
That was quite the surreal experience for Dean, turning away from Castiel to see someone who looked identical to him. He was a lot less embarrassed about being caught having a Moment with his angel than he probably should have been, but then again, it wasn't like Jimmy hadn't shared quite a few of Dean and Castiel's Moments before.
"Nice body," Jimmy commented lightly with a lift of his eyebrows as he stepped outside and onto the porch with them.
Dean huffed in amusement and looked to Castiel, who explained, "I asked Michael to fashion this one for me."
"Was he the one who pulled you out?" Dean asked.
Castiel shook his head. "I fought my own way out of Hell."
Jimmy looked impressed. Dean whistled lightly and couldn't believe he'd been so panicked at the thought of Castiel alone down in Hell. All this time he'd been assuming the worst, and now it turned out that Castiel was just fine. Dean should've known he could take care of himself since he was a goddamned angel, after all, and furthermore, he was the angel who'd pulled Dean out to begin with. He supposed that also explained the feeling he'd gotten earlier that Castiel had come back somehow more confident and powerful. "Look at you, all badass and smitey warrior of God."
Castiel seemed to find the compliment both embarrassing and pleasing, and Dean had to grin a little at the way he shifted on his feet and almost blushed.
"So what now?" Jimmy asked, with a note of wary hope.
"I will take you back to your family," Castiel told him.
"We'll still be a target."
"I've kept your family safe for as long as I've been on Earth, haven't I?" Castiel pointed out. "You will be safe with them."
Jimmy nodded and seemed to trust him. "What about you, then?"
"I will stay with Dean and we'll keep fighting."
"And you guys will be okay?" he asked, arching his eyebrows and glancing between Dean and Castiel.
Castiel also glanced at Dean before he said, "We'll get by. You shouldn't worry about us anymore, Jimmy. You've been a good host. Letting you return to your family is the least I could do to thank you."
For a while Jimmy just looked at him, but then it seemed to finally dawn on him that he was really going home and he smiled a small, slow smile. "Thanks, Cas."
Castiel hesitated for a heartbeat before saying, "I'm sorry for--"
"Cas." Jimmy spoke over him, and when Castiel stopped talking, he repeated, "Thanks."
Castiel nodded and seemed to get it. Dean couldn't help but feel happy that the fight was over for one of them, at least, even if it wasn't him. Looking at Jimmy, he also couldn't help but vow that he'd make Castiel smile like that someday.
He realized he was staring when Jimmy turned to him and said, "Guess this is it, then."
"Guess so," Dean agreed. He held his hand out, but Jimmy took it and pulled him into a hug, which made him the fourth person who had hugged Dean within the past few hours. It was probably some kind of record that Dean should be embarrassed about, but he hugged Jimmy back anyway. It was loose and friendly and nothing like the hug he'd just shared with Castiel, and it lasted only briefly.
When they pulled away, Castiel said to Dean, "I'll be back soon." Then he put two fingers against Jimmy's forehead and the two of them were gone.
Dean stood alone on the porch and touched his fingers lightly to his lips.
***
Not only did Castiel come back soon, as he'd promised, he came back with the Impala, which they'd left in Nevada the day before where Lucifer had found them.
"You," Dean declared, "are the best." He was waiting out on the porch, this time with socks, a coat, and a beer to keep him warm, and he smiled as Castiel walked up to him.
"Come with me?" he asked.
"Sure." Dean didn't ask where Castiel wanted to take him because his answer would have been the same no matter what. "Let me write Sam a quick note, though, before he discovers I'm gone and freaks out."
He ducked back into the house and scribbled a note -- Out with Cas, save the heart attacks -- which he left on the kitchen table for Sam and Bobby. Then he went outside again to where Castiel was standing exactly where he'd left him.
Castiel took him to somewhere where it was almost dawn, and they stood on top of a grassy hill overlooking vast, rolling plains. Not only was it a lot brighter here than it had been in South Dakota, it was also a lot warmer, and Dean shrugged off his coat. "Where is this?"
"Senegal."
"You brought me to Africa?" Dean asked, tearing his gaze away from the landscape to eye Castiel bemusedly.
"I thought you'd prefer this to being high up in the mountains," Castiel said with that patented earnestness of his. "And you won't be cold here."
Dean chuckled to himself and sat down in the grass, stretching his legs out in front of him and propping himself back on his hands, and after a moment Castiel joined him. Instead of imitating Dean, though, he crossed his legs and sat upright, and they both watched the pink tinge in the sky grow and spread slowly.
Eventually Dean asked, "You were really okay down there? They didn't--?" He couldn't quite bring himself to say it, but he knew Castiel would know what he meant.
"No, I was able to fight them," Castiel reassured him, and Dean relaxed and nodded. His relief at knowing this was almost indescribable, but he also felt exceedingly stupid for having overreacted so badly. He'd almost killed himself, for fuck's sake, and then Castiel might have felt like he had to go back down to Hell just to retrieve his sorry ass again. Dean made a face at himself and Castiel observed, "You seem embarrassed."
If Dean hadn't been embarrassed before, he certainly would have been now that Castiel had pointed it out. "Yeah, well, I was more worried than I should have been, okay?" he muttered, scratching the back of his neck as he did so.
"I know," Castiel said softly.
There was something in his voice -- a hint of something approaching awe, maybe -- that made Dean look over at him, and there it was in his eyes, too, quiet and understated but definitely present. Being looked at like that had Dean shifting uncomfortably. "What?"
"I never expected that you might go to such great lengths," Castiel confessed slowly. "For me."
Dean looked away and picked at the grass beside him. "So you heard me, huh."
"Every word."
It wasn't nearly as gratifying to hear as Dean had imagined it could be, and he winced slightly. "And now you're probably laughing at me on the inside."
"No," Castiel replied, sounding confused and like he couldn't possibly fathom why Dean would say that.
Dean glanced at him to see that Castiel's head was canted to one side. "You couldn't have busted out before I'd made a spectacle of myself and given Sam and Bobby heart attacks?" he asked a bit sullenly.
"No," Castiel said again. "I couldn't have." Dean raised his eyebrows and didn't understand, so he explained. "I could fend them off out of fear, but I didn't have the strength to fight my way through them until I learned what you intended to do and became... distressed," he finished carefully, eyes narrowing slightly on the last word. From the way he said it, Dean thought he might as well have heard desperate.
He could kind of imagine it, his angel not being able to do much more than keep the demons at bay until it had come time to save Dean's ass again. It made him snort softly and say, "What a pair we are, eh?"
Castiel didn't seem to know how to respond to that, so he simply stared at Dean and didn't say anything.
Dean gave him a wry smile and said, "I'm glad I could help."
When Castiel again made no effort to respond, Dean looked out over the plains, which were much greener now that they were bathed in morning sunlight. It was nice here, and so peaceful, but Dean couldn't focus on the view when he could still feel Castiel's eyes on him, studying him intently. When it became a little much, Dean asked evenly, "You gonna tell me what that kiss was about?"
That succeeded in making Castiel glance away, so now it was Dean's turn to do a little staring. The sunlight seemed to highlight Castiel's profile and cloak him in an even more ethereal aura than he usually carried about him, and it still took Dean by surprise, sometimes, to have this visual reminder that his nice, ordinary Cas was something holy that could apparently fight off hundreds of demons at a time in his true form. Even in this form, he was beautiful and terrifying in a way that didn't actually terrify Dean at all. His first instinct was to touch, but he didn't, and forced himself to wait quietly instead.
"Jimmy kissed Amelia when they saw each other again," Castiel said suddenly, staring at the grass in front of him and catching Dean off guard.
"And?"
"And it was..." Castiel bit his lip as he searched for the right word. "Intimate," he finished, and looked back up at Dean. It was an almost hopeful sort of look, like he was seeking affirmation.
Dean wasn't sure how to give him that, though, so he pointed out, "You kissed me before you took Jimmy home." He could have understood if Castiel had watched Jimmy and Amelia and decided that he wanted that with Dean, and Dean would even have been pretty fucking happy in that case, but that wasn't how it had happened. He still didn't know what Castiel had been thinking.
"You kissed me first," Castiel hedged.
"That was months ago!"
Castiel bit his lip and asked, "You don't want to anymore?"
It was all Dean could do to not roll his eyes. "Look, we're talking about you. You freaked out and told me in no uncertain terms that you didn't want to go there. So what changed your mind, aside from getting a brand spankin' new body from the mother of all craven, heartless sons of--"
"Dean," Castiel admonished, speaking over him. "You shouldn't speak of Michael like that."
Dean glowered and said, "It's true."
Castiel pursed his lips. "Disobedience is an immeasurably great and terrifying step, you can't expect him to take it just because you asked."
"You did."
"And I still have you," Castiel said without missing a beat. "Much more rests on Michael's shoulders, and he has no one."
Dean snorted. "Bullshit. He has all of Heaven. He could turn it into his very own Full House if he wanted, and Zach could be the dog, Comet. Fitting name, right?" Castiel furrowed his brow in confusion, and Dean closed his eyes briefly before opening them again and saying, "Point is, he just doesn't give a shit."
"He does," Castiel insisted. "He made this body for me as an apology and told me he regretted not being able to help."
"And you believed him?" Dean snorted in annoyance and shook his head. But it wasn't like he could somehow make Castiel less impossibly gullible, so returned to the issue at hand. "Whatever, Cas. Just tell me why you changed your mind."
Castiel pressed his lips together pensively and his eyes flickered away for a moment before he admitted, "I didn't want to be like those women you share yourself with for a night and then never think about again. But then you--" He stopped and then said, more softly, "Now I know it wouldn't be like that."
Dean glanced from one big, blue eye to the other. "So, what are you saying, all I had to do this entire time was tell you I'd kill myself for you and you'd have swooned? Wow, Cas, I hope you're not looking for big, romantic gestures like that all the time."
Castiel huffed a little in frustration and confessed, with some difficulty, "I was afraid, too, even though I shouldn't have been. But I no longer feel so weak." And that was such a raw, honest answer that Dean couldn't be prickly anymore. Castiel wasn't finished, though. He added almost defiantly, "And I wanted to."
That made Dean smile. That was the answer he'd wanted to hear. "Wanna try again?"
When Castiel nodded, Dean leaned toward him and lifted a hand to his chin to draw him forward. Castiel followed his hand, willing but wide eyed, and they were both breathing shallowly. "Close your eyes," Dean said softly, and Castiel let his eyes flutter shut with only a tiny amount of hesitation. He watched the way Castiel's dark eyelashes rested against his skin and curved up toward Dean at the tips so invitingly, and on impulse, he kissed Castiel's eyelids first, one after the other, just as he had the first time. His lips lingered for long enough that he could feel Castiel's eyes move under his eyelids, and then Dean closed his own eyes and kissed him on the lips.
This time, Castiel didn't freak out and shove him away. It was like those other two kisses had never happened and this was their first time. His lips parted slightly against Dean's and he leaned forward so far Dean thought he must be straining himself to stay balanced. So he took the hand that was under Castiel's chin and slid it around to the small of his back, and when he lay back onto the grass, he brought Castiel with him. Castiel ended up half on top of him and half beside him in what was probably not the most comfortable position ever, but his arm curled around Dean and it was better than before, so Dean focused his attention on the way their lips were still brushing and sliding against one another's.
He focused on every detail of it, drawing his lips from the center of Castiel's, which were soft and full, to the corners, where the stubble prickled Dean's lips a little in a completely unfamiliar way. But he savored the sensation because it was Castiel's stubble, and Dean wanted to experience everything that was Castiel. His lips mapped out the rougher, drier patches of Castiel's and he spent more time on those, parting his own lips a little more when he kissed them to breathe some moisture onto them. Castiel breathed it back, shudderingly, and Dean savored that especially because Castiel's flavor was a warm, enticing one.
Dean didn't slip his tongue past Castiel's lips and into the alluring warmth there, though, not when there was still so much to feel just on the surface, from the shape of his mouth to the little ridged dip in the center of his upper lip. It was enough for Dean to just bask in this, in the way Castiel was kissing him back, lips parted inexpertly and moving against his in a way that was so endearingly eager to discover and feel. This wasn't the sort of kiss that led to anything more; it was easy and affectionate and not something Dean had ever had the patience for before because kissing was just a fun part of foreplay, but now he found that kissing Castiel just for the sake of kissing him was also a lot fun. It was exactly what he'd wanted to do for so long, after all, and this really was Castiel, who Dean had given up on ever being able to have this with, so now he took the miracle for what it was and enjoyed it fully and didn't ask for more.
It lasted for several gloriously slow, breathless minutes, and when Dean opened his eyes again, Castiel was already watching him back. This time, the awe in his eyes wasn't understated, and it made Dean smile rather than feel uncomfortable. "So was that what you were hoping for?" he murmured against Castiel's mouth.
"More," Castiel replied, and Dean wasn't sure if he meant it was more than what he'd been hoping for or if he just wanted to be kissed some more, but he kissed him some more anyway.
This time it was lazier and Dean actually began feeling warm and drowsy. At some point, Castiel even shifted to settle more comfortably against him as they kissed. Dean tightened his arm around him and chuckled softly at his own good luck in being able to have this and at the world at large, which seemed to have stopped dying for the moment to wait for them. "Trust you to be one who'd go to Hell and come out better off for it."
Castiel paused with his lips still open on Dean's and pulled away just far enough to be able to look down at him. "I never want to go back there," he said with a quiet fierceness.
Dean supposed it could be because Castiel just didn't want to spend another two months fighting off demons nonstop, but there seemed to be more to it, so he asked, "What happened down there that you're not telling me?"
Castiel glanced away but didn't reply.
"Hey." Dean nudged him gently with the hand that was still on Castiel's back.
"They were in so much pain, Dean," Castiel finally said with a frown. "The first time I went into Hell, I didn't spare anyone but you a single thought because I didn't understand. But this time it was different." His eyes narrowed at the end.
Dean knew exactly how he felt, but aside from that, there was this flicker of something inside him that was still guilt-ridden and insecure and destructive. It made him remind Castiel, "I did that to thousands of them."
Castiel glanced at him in faint surprise, and then he said, "I know. But you stopped."
And somehow, because Castiel hadn't tried to say that it hadn't really been Dean who'd done all of those things, it was enough to soothe the little flicker. Dean gave Castiel a brief, one-armed squeeze and asked, "Who decides which souls go to Heaven and which souls go to Hell?"
"I don't know," Castiel said unhappily.
"Well, if it's Zach and his buddies and we somehow end up winning this war, we'll find a way to get rid of those little shits and make sure everything's done right," Dean told him in his most reassuring voice. He said it more to make Castiel feel better than because he actually had any real hope of being able to change anything, and Castiel seemed to know that, but he also seemed to feel better anyway.
His lips quirked a little and he let the issue drop, sitting up and saying instead, "You're exhausted, Dean, I've kept you up long enough. You should go back to Bobby's and get some sleep."
But Dean noticed he didn't follow through on the thought and just take them back already, so he wheedled, "Or we could stay here." He was reluctant to leave and go back to his life yet, so maybe Castiel was too. And he knew it was just an illusion and that Bobby's house was actually safer, technically, but it seemed that here, in the middle of an African plain where it was just him and Castiel, they were untouchable. Dean scooted around so that his head was pillowed in Castiel's lap and he looked up at him with a cheeky, "All you have to do is make sure I don't get sunburned."
Castiel regarded him with fond exasperation and Dean knew he'd won. He closed his eyes, feeling smug and languid, and actually hummed a little in pleasure when Castiel's fingers began running through his hair.
Part 16
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2009-10-27 03:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 03:51 am (UTC)Great chapter. Can't wait for more :)
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Date: 2009-10-27 03:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 04:03 am (UTC)I was reading the reunion scene, thinking, "AWWWW, best kiss ever!" and then the "Wanna try again?" happened, and I was totally wrong the first time. Awesome.
Also, Cas saying, "And I wanted to" made me a little misty. That's such a simple, powerful statement. Go, Cas!
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:06 am (UTC)I think we've all been waiting for him to say that for the longest time ever now. ♥
Thank you so much!
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:04 am (UTC)"I don't know if you've ever been possessed, but even when it's an angel, it's never easy to not be in control of your own body, you know? And sure, I willingly gave mine to him to use, but not like that. He was supposed to take care of it. When I woke up for the first time in months to discover that everything had been turned upside down and had to glean from his thoughts what had happened..." Jimmy pursed his lips and shook his head, and a muscle in his jaw clenched. "I don't think I can put to words how violated and helpless that made me feel. He wouldn't tell me details, and maybe not knowing was worse than knowing would have been because I kept wondering and wondering and it became the only thing I could think about. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I was that he'd humiliated me, but the worst part was, for the longest time I was terrified he'd let it happen again and I wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about it the second time either. Every time I felt myself losing consciousness, I dreaded what I'd find out upon waking up. And instead of dealing with me, he just kept putting me to sleep." He snorted in frustration and said, "All I wanted was to have a say about what happened to me, or I just wanted to crawl out of my skin, but I couldn't do either. I couldn't do anything, not even vent by punching a freaking pillow."
...hit me so fucking hard I don't even know what to do about it. I just. Issues, apparently, with helplessness. Which I knew, but you managed to put into words all the things that I am so utterly, utterly uncomfortable with about possession in SPN, and in general, I guess, and I'm gonna need to process for a while.
♥
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:14 am (UTC)But as to the fic as a whole - I am really impressed with this, because you're addressing things that have been just sort of swept under the rug in canon (all those people Dean must have turned into demons, who Castiel left behind, and also the basic fact that a system where a righteous man ends up in hell in the first place, well, sucks). I also appreciate the care you've taken in writing Castiel's (and to a lesser extent, Dean's) post-traumatic stress, that you didn't have them just fall into bed and all is cured. Nor did you have Dean go from zero to gay in two point five seconds. All of their reactions seem both in-character and plausible, and yet you've managed to create this sweet romance around a really fairly horrific situation, and that's just damned impressive.
Also you have managed to make the story just sorta not about Sam without any Sam-bashing, and you've written a Lucifer who is genuinely persuasive and may even have a valid point or two, and yet is still a violent, evil son of a bitch.
So . . next chapter soon? ;)
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Date: 2009-10-27 06:21 pm (UTC)Dude, this is an AWESOME idea. I don't think I'd have gone with it anyway, but I wish I'd thought of it, at least! Oooh, the potential for angst. If I weren't so eager to just finish this fic already I might even be regretting not having gone that way. But I'm glad you like things the way they turned out!
Aww, all of this is such amazing feedback, thank you so much! It's thrilling to know that all the careful planning and addressing of issues that I've been trying to do has paid off and people are noticing and appreciating it. And it's especially thrilling to know you think they're in character and everything is plausible. :D
Really, thank you so much! Shall try to write more soon.
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 06:23 pm (UTC)I think I'm done with chaptered fics after this, but I'm sure I'll keep writing one-shots and such. :">
THANK YOU for the feedback!
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:25 am (UTC)That kiss was so perfect. D'AWWWWWW. I love them.
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Date: 2009-10-27 06:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 04:38 am (UTC)thankyou for making it so perfect. no glossing over the hard stuff to get here and now that you brought us here it didn't cross any lines of too fast or too slow or too fluffy. it's perfect.
also you should win awards for dealing with Jimmy. that seems to be the hardest part of this pairing and you've managed to deal with it in a unique and realistic way, without killing him even!
I can't wait to see how this ends.
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Date: 2009-10-27 07:35 pm (UTC)I am flattered as all hell you think it's perfect, awwww, thank you! :"> And I'm really pleased you like my treatment of Jimmy, hee.
Not too much further to go! \o/
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:46 am (UTC)has just convinced one of my friends to start reading this fandom
for the porn. Starting with yours, :Dno subject
Date: 2009-10-27 07:36 pm (UTC)Excellent job with the converting. *beams* Hope she/he likes it, omg.
Thank you!
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Date: 2009-10-27 04:54 am (UTC)Three parts that stuck out:
"Dean glanced from one big, blue eye to the other. "So, what are you saying, all I had to do this entire time was tell you I'd kill myself for you and you'd have swooned? Wow, Cas, I hope you're not looking for big, romantic gestures like that all the time."
"Hi Cas, please stay with me forever."
"Castiel glanced at him in faint surprise, and then he said, "I know. But you stopped."
And somehow, because Castiel hadn't tried to say that it hadn't really been Dean who'd done all of those things, it was enough to soothe the little flicker.
That last one? Not many ppl do it, that is tell the truth, but sometimes its the only thing that will do in that situation, its the only right thing to say. Awesome update.
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Date: 2009-10-27 08:41 pm (UTC)Aww, thank you so much for picking out your favorite bits! I waffle on the Dean torturing thing sometimes -- I mean, I've definitely written fics where Castiel decided Dean wasn't really Dean in Hell -- but I can see it going both ways. In any case, I'm glad that part stuck out to you.
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Date: 2009-10-27 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 08:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 05:41 am (UTC)Wow, so much to say with this one! The Jimmy scenes worked really well, so no need to worry about that one! I'm so, so happy that you gave him a happy ending and let him go back to his family <3 Even though I'd definitely go with Castiel if I had to choose between them, Jimmy still holds a special place in my heart and his story's so tragic. I'm glad you let him have his happy ending (especially because I'm pretty sure the show's writers have forgotten all about him).
On a related point--also, yay, you dealt with the Jimmy-is-in-Castiel's body issue! That is something that has bothered me about the pairing ever since 4.20, though I do think one can decently argue that Jimmy's no longer in S5 Cas's body (but that just makes me sad for Jimmy). But I do like that you dealt with it, and in a good way; after all, if Anna can "call in a few favors," then why can't Cas? And WHEE Michael helped him! Your Michael is still really growing on me (even if he wasn't the one to pull Castiel out of hell).
ALSO SO TOTALLY GLAD THAT CAS ISN'T BROKEN A SECOND TIME. AND THAT HE WAS ABLE TO PULL HIMSELF OUT. I was like Dean, in that I automatically defaulted to it being the worst possible scenario ever, so it was quite a relief to see that Cas could take care of himself. And it also totally made sense plot-wise, so I'm not exactly sure why Dean and I were so worried (lol in my head Dean is apparently real and my new best friend). I did love that it gave you a chance to showcase how far Dean would be willing to go for Cas, though; and Cas actually hearing that, and being awed by that, was touching. I was touched that Cas felt so touched! Poor thing still didn't quite realize the depths of Dean's feelings for him. I'm hoping now he feels truly loved, as he deserves to feel.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 forever. Yay!
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Date: 2009-10-27 09:25 pm (UTC)Yeah, I also wish the writers hadn't forgotten about him. Even a simple one-liner from Cas saying he died would suffice! :P That's what I hope for, anyway, because he obviously didn't want to still be in there, chained to a comet and all, so it would've been better for him if he'd died? In either case, yay, I'm so glad you liked him here.
I figured the being broken all over thing would be pretty repetitive. :P Plus, it would've added another like, ten chapters onto the end of this, so.. yeah. It was always meant to be part of his healing process, actually, letting him find that strength in himself and also find out how much Dean loves him. :D So yes, he's feeling loved now, and is all ♥♥♥, heee.
I AM SO HAPPY YOU STILL LIKE THIS. And that Dean is apparently so real to you! Thank you! :D
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Date: 2009-10-27 05:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-10-27 05:49 am (UTC)He is ADORABLE.
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Date: 2009-10-27 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:27 pm (UTC)Thank you so much!
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Date: 2009-10-27 06:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 06:22 am (UTC)TRACY.
I AM BEREFT. I read this as sloooooooooooooooooooowly as possible in the hopes that the next chapter would be up within hours of the last one (it wasn't >:{). ALAS.
BUT THAT IS OK I WILL REREAD THOSE KISS PARAGRAPHS DAILY. AGH SO QT.
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Date: 2009-10-27 06:30 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-10-27 06:28 am (UTC)(SIGH)
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Date: 2009-10-27 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 06:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 07:48 am (UTC)Do you think that's enough?! Cause I could totally keep going!!!!!!
I don't think I can accurately put into words how much I loved this!!!!!!! So, you'll just have to settle for ♥'s and !!!!'s
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Date: 2009-10-27 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 08:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-27 09:54 pm (UTC)