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tracy_loo_whoSorry if anyone happened to be waiting for more of AIWWOW (what an absurd acronym, fff), I swear I'll write that next. As with all episodes that break me, I couldn't not write something for this one...
Title: Not All the Way Through
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Character death, substance abuse, mention of torture.
Word Count: ~4,700
Spoilers: 5x03 (Free to be You and Me) and 5x04 (The End)
Notes: I said in my episode review, "Omg I want fic where..." so of course I ended up writing it myself. -.- Title is from Linkin Park's "Leave Out All the Rest".
♥♥♥:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
amechiro made seven gorgeous layouts inspired by this fic, and luvplatinumbaby read and posted a podfic.
Summary: Castiel's new life begins and ends with Dean.
The first time, Dean is gentle. He doesn't try to seduce Castiel like Chastity had, doesn't flaunt his body and sex appeal. He laughs. And it doesn't matter that Castiel suspects the jokes are probably at his own expense, because whatever the expense, it's a small price to pay to have Dean warm and happy beside him, and to know that he, Castiel, is the cause of all that warmth and happiness. He is also the target of it, and it draws him in and loosens him up far more effectively than any seduction.
Castiel isn't nervous when their lips meet because even pressed against his, Dean's are curved into a smile, and Castiel is even comfortable with Dean unzipping his slacks and sliding a hand in to touch him. At first, Dean kisses and strokes him almost playfully, but he stops grinning when Castiel arches into his hand, aching and trembling with a newfound desire.
Dean pulls away to divest them both of their clothes, but he swallows the tail end of the small, needy noise Castiel makes and hushes him, and then he's back. His hand is slick with oil Castiel would protest the use of, but his protests die unspoken when that hand wraps itself around him again for two long, slow strokes. Then Dean climbs into his lap and fits himself perfectly around Castiel, and all Castiel can do while Dean slides up and down on top of him is cling to his naked, sweaty body and rock into him and pant raggedly against his neck.
Castiel's voice breaks on Dean's name when he comes, and Castiel breaks, too, but Dean holds him close and keeps him together until Castiel can do that for himself again.
"Good?" Dean asks, and Castiel can only cling tighter and nod. Then he pulls away to look up at Dean's face and that fond, oddly tender smile that's still there. Dean winks and says, "Told you I wouldn't let you die a virgin."
His smile goes slack with pleasure when Castiel reaches between them to stroke him, and when Dean kisses him again, Castiel can taste the beginnings of desperation. By the time Dean pulses in his hand with a low moan, Castiel can hear it, too, clear and fierce. It's Dean's turn to clutch and cling, and there isn't a single trace of playfulness left when he whispers into Castiel's hair, "I've got another promise for you, Cas. I'm not gonna let you die at all on my watch, not again, not while I'm still alive."
Castiel believes him, and when dawn breaks them apart, Dean keeps his promise.
***
Dean tells Castiel that he's good, and that he's happy alone. He isn't.
After Castiel catches wind of the Colt's whereabouts, he stays to help Dean search for it. Dean doesn't thank him with words, but his tongue presses gratitude into Castiel's mouth, and his fingers trace it all over Castiel's body.
Sometimes, Dean's face lights up with humor, and in these moments, Castiel almost thinks he could be enough for this man.
***
Such moments never last for too long.
On Sam's birthday, Castiel coaxes Dean into calling him. It has been months since the brothers have spoken, and Sam doesn't pick up. Dean doesn't say much for the rest of the day.
At night, when Castiel crawls into Dean's bed, he presses Sam's amulet into Dean's hand and closes his fingers around it. He has long since accepted that God doesn't want to be found, and that his place is by Dean's side. Castiel doesn't let go of his hand, and Dean's eyes shine in the darkness.
***
Dean makes Castiel learn how to wash and take care of his baby before he teaches Castiel how to drive her.
Castiel handles Dean's car as lovingly as he handles Dean, because he knows it is an extension of Dean.
Still, Dean doesn't mind when Castiel pushes him up against the door and gets his fingerprints all over a pristine window. He does make Castiel clean it again afterward, though, while he lounges in the backseat to watch with sated amusement.
***
There is much less to be amused about after the angels leave. Castiel can feel their absence sharply, and it is no consolation that they won't have to worry about hiding from his brothers anymore.
Even Dean's arms around him are small consolation, because Castiel knows with a crushing certainty that he will never see any of them again, and being abandoned like this, alone in a world of humans, scares him. Castiel lies in Dean's arms and prays to God.
***
The day comes when Castiel can no longer draw the blood out of his trench coat or mend its tears. Dean takes the coat from his shaking hands and teaches him how to wash and sew.
Washing and sewing become impractical when people start turning into monsters and Dean and Castiel start fleeing from one town to the next almost without rest. When a Croat catches the hem of his trench coat, Castiel shrugs out of it and keeps running. He doesn't have time to lament the loss of Jimmy's keepsake until much later.
Dean gives Castiel one of his own coats.
***
It isn't just Castiel. Dean helps everyone he can. He sets up a refuge in an abandoned camp and brings Bobby and Chuck and a number of other survivors there to guard them. He teaches those who need it how to fight and shoot guns and splint broken limbs. He takes care of them all, and Bobby and Chuck take care of the rations and medical supplies.
Castiel takes care of Dean. He makes sure Dean is eating and sleeping and has toilet paper, and when the weight of the world or the weight of Sam's absence crushes Dean, Castiel is there to hold him. He prays to God for strength, but he suspects he only has it because Dean needs him to have it. It isn't quite enough, but it pulls Dean through the night.
***
After Dean hears about Sam and Lucifer and Detroit, he doesn't say a single thing all day, and it isn't Castiel's strength that gets him through the night. He doesn't want to be held, and when Castiel tries, Dean turns him over, spits on his hand, and barely gives himself half a stroke before pushing in.
It hurts, badly, but Castiel clenches his fists in the sheets and lets Dean do whatever he needs to do because Dean needs to do it. Dean doesn't make a sound when he comes, but his entire body shakes and his fingers dig into Castiel's hips so sharply they leave bruises. After he is finished, he reaches around Castiel and between his legs, but all he finds there is softness.
Dean pulls out of Castiel and leaves him there on the mattress. Castiel twists to look at him, but he doesn't look back as he pulls his clothes back on and leaves their cabin. Castiel hesitates, but decides not to follow him, and a minute later he hears the Impala's engine roar to life outside.
***
The next day, Dean still won't look at Castiel.
But Castiel looks at him, and he sees Dean take off Sam's amulet and hurl it to the ground. It lands with an audible clank, and then Castiel can hear the sound of gravel crunching beneath Dean's boot, too, as he grinds it into the ground. After Dean is gone, Castiel picks up the unharmed amulet, blows the dirt from it, and tucks it into his pocket.
Dean spends the night in Reesa's cabin, and that hurts Castiel a lot more than what he did the night before.
***
Castiel spends many, many nights in a row alone. He is cold, and miserable, and just wants Dean back. He prays for it, but he isn't sure if he's praying to God or to Dean.
He doesn't get Dean back, though. When Castiel cleans Croatoan blood off of the Impala and makes it pristine, Dean doesn't care. He sneers and bashes in the driver's side window with the butt of his rifle, and then shoves the rifle at Castiel and tells him to do something useful, like practice his shitty aim.
Castiel does as he's told and spends most of the day on target practice. When Dean comes over with two beers and tells Castiel he's getting better, Castiel knows that it's as close to apologizing as Dean can come. He accepts the beer, smiles at Dean, and pretends that this is enough.
***
Dean hasn't mentioned Sam once since Detroit happened, and he still won't talk to Castiel about it, but he does crawl into their bed again to fuck him. It isn't as rough and punishing as last time, and Dean makes sure Castiel gets off too, but he won't kiss him, and afterward he simply rolls over and falls asleep.
Castiel watches his troubled face in the dim moonlight for a long time, so close to his own, but he doesn't feel like he's gotten Dean back at all. Not his Dean, anyway. He keeps praying.
***
Because it isn't his Dean, it hurts less when Dean keeps on sleeping around indiscriminately. It still does hurt, though, because as far as Castiel can see, he isn't any different from Reesa or Jayne or any of the other women Dean sleeps with anymore. He is just another warm, willing body. He is not enough.
Castiel doesn't think of their cabin or their bed as theirs anymore. It's his now, with Dean just an occasional visitor.
The first time he brings a woman to his bed, Castiel only does it because he is bitter and drunk and for the first time, he wants to hurt Dean back. Dean doesn't seem hurt by it, but he does avoid Castiel for an even longer stretch than usual, and that makes Castiel even more bitter.
The second time he brings a woman to his bed, Castiel is still bitter, but he isn't drunk, and he doesn't do it to hurt Dean. He does it because he's lonely, and he welcomes the distraction.
***
Castiel decides that praying is useless, and that if he wants his Dean back, he will have to try harder to be enough and work at it himself. Dean doesn't respond to anything he does, though. Even the most innocent of touches is purely sexual to him, and Castiel's gentleness is met with coldness. And Dean is always willing to talk about weapons and strategy and helping victims, but he never lets Castiel talk about helping him.
Still, Castiel doesn't recognize that his efforts are futile until Bobby makes a trip back to his old house for an ancient text and is ambushed and killed there, and Dean doesn't react to the news at all. He has long since stopped caring about anyone, or fearing their loss. He is fearless, and he continues leading their small group as if nothing has happened.
Castiel's tone is angry and derisive the first time he calls Dean their fearless leader, but Dean either doesn't notice or doesn't care. The anger fades eventually when Castiel becomes too tired to be angry anymore, but the derision stays.
***
They still work well together, Dean and Castiel. They are efficient, and deadly, and between them, they keep the camp running smoothly even without Bobby.
That changes when they are running away from a mob of Croats and Castiel catches his foot between two rocks and breaks it. He falls to the ground with a pained cry and when Dean stops to look back, there is actually a flicker of fear in his eyes. But then it passes, and Castiel thinks for one, sickening moment that Dean will leave him and keep running, promises of not letting Castiel die on his watch long forgotten, because that's exactly what all of them do when someone falls behind, these days. All those who stayed to help fallen comrades died a long time ago.
Behind him, Castiel can hear the Croats getting closer, but somehow, Dean doesn't turn and keep running. He fires off four shots into the mob, and it slows them down just long enough for him to grab Castiel by the arm and pull him up. Dean's arm comes under Castiel's and wraps around his body to support him, and then he takes off again, half carrying Castiel and half dragging him. It is the most painful experience of Castiel's mortal life, but the pain is dull compared to his gratitude and hope.
He thinks that maybe his Dean isn't gone forever after all, and when the Croats start catching up to them and closing in, it makes him pant, "Leave me, Dean. You can still make it if you leave me." They aren't too far from the car now, but Castiel knows they'll never make it, not both of them. If his Dean is still in there somewhere, he doesn't want him to go down like this, on Castiel's account. It is enough that he tried.
Dean slows for a moment, but instead of letting Castiel go, he hands Castiel his gun, heaves him over his shoulder, and says harshly, "Shut the fuck up and shoot."
So Castiel shoots, and Dean runs, and by some miracle, the Croats fall back enough that they both make it to the car.
***
"Dean," Castiel says softly, later, when they are alone in Castiel's cabin and Dean has Castiel's foot in his lap and is touching him so, so gently. His voice is full of tentative hope, but Dean doesn't look up from tending to his foot. "Thank you," he says anyway.
"I won't do it again," Dean replies coldly. He finishes wrapping up Castiel's foot and leaves without another word.
Castiel watches him go and doesn't doubt his words. He doesn't think he'll ever truly get his Dean back, but he starts praying again anyway, to anyone who will listen. He promises that if it ever happens, even for a short while, he will never ask for anything more, and that he would even die content.
***
No one listens.
Castiel is put out of commission for two months, and in that time, Dean works with Chuck and Reesa and the others, and the camp runs just as smoothly without Castiel's help. He doesn't let Castiel do much and keeps telling him to take care of his foot. Castiel's foot isn't what hurts most, but Dean doesn't seem to care about the rest of him.
So Castiel stays in bed and has never felt more helpless in his entire existence. He starts letting more women distract him, and when it doesn't work, he only tries harder, coaxing in as many at a time as he can.
The only one who won't come to him is Dean.
***
By the time Dean starts torturing, any hope that Castiel had of his Dean ever coming back to him has long since died again, and now he even stops praying.
He comes to resent this Dean, the one with no compassion or heart or even morals, because this isn't the Dean who he followed and fell for. For the first time, he regrets his decision to rebel. Castiel lost everything for Dean, and then he lost Dean, too, and he has nothing to make it worth it anymore. Maybe it was never worth it to begin with, since people and families everywhere are burning anyway.
With nothing left to lose, Castiel doesn't see why he shouldn't lose himself to drugs when the opportunity arises. They heighten his sensations and make him feel better than he's felt since Dean stopped and came back for him. More like an angel, even, though truthfully Castiel has forgotten what it felt like to be an angel because all he has left are human senses. In any case, Castiel decides he likes drugs.
If there's a part of him that hopes Dean will stop him, it dies quickly because Dean doesn't. Dean sneers and calls him a pathetic, useless hippie. Castiel laughs because it's true, and he laughs because he doesn't care, but mostly, he laughs to hide his pain, because he does care.
And then he searches for an even higher high and imagines he's flying.
***
There's a part of Castiel that thinks manipulating women into sleeping with him is probably wrong, but without Dean's moral compass to guide him, Castiel doesn't try to guide himself. He simply doesn't care when he is stoned, and he is always stoned.
So he speaks of love and enlightenment because he is supposed to be an angel, and the women listen to his every word.
Dean never stops being contemptuous, but he does stop showing it. Whenever he pretends to not see the needles in Castiel's arms or his bloody noses, Castiel finds it kind of hilarious.
***
When Castiel sees Dean again -- his Dean -- he thinks maybe he's finally lost it, and that it must be a hallucination, but it's a fun one, and Castiel is glad for it. It's the one thing he's wanted above all else ever since he first lost Dean, after all, so he is more than happy to play along.
Then he realizes that everyone else can see his Dean, too, and that he's real. This realization comes with the knowledge that the end is close, and later, on a fresh high, Castiel laughs in something that might be relief.
***
Castiel finds his Dean and his sharp wit adorable. But it makes him ache, too, because even though this is his Dean, Castiel looks at him and realizes that he can't touch him like he wants to, can't have him, and especially can't keep him, even for the short time he has left, because Castiel isn't his Cas, not anymore. His Dean is right here and still, Castiel misses him so much. It has to be some deity's idea of a joke, and even though it's played at Castiel's expense, he thinks it's kind of funny.
Regardless of whether or not Castiel can have him, though, he wants his Dean to know what he'll become. He likes to think it's because he wants to save Dean, and also the past version of himself, and he does, but he suspects it's mostly just because he wants a Dean -- either Dean, really -- to care.
As it turns out, both of them do. Well, his Dean does, obviously, but even the Dean that's become someone else looks, for a moment as his eyes flicker between Castiel and his past self, like he might actually care that Castiel doesn't like him anymore. And that, well, that makes Castiel ache too, because the look lasts for less than a second.
Then they are back to talking strategy, though it really isn't much of a strategy at all. Castiel can see why this will be the end, and he is okay with it. He is more than okay with it, so when Dean asks if he's coming, he says, "Of course." He sees no reason to break his habit of following Dean this late in the game, and in any case he has nothing better to do. He protests putting his Dean in danger, but it is halfhearted and he gives up quickly because he knows, logically, that Zachariah will not let anything happen to him, and a selfish part of him just wants more time with his Dean.
***
He does get more time with his Dean, in the car. He doesn't hide his drugs, and this Dean doesn't try to stop him either, but he does care enough to ask about him again. It's such a long story and they have so little time that Castiel laughs, almost hysterically, because otherwise he might break completely and stop the car and beg Dean to hold him one more time. But he manages to keep it together, and tells Dean what he can so that Dean will care even more.
When Dean welcomes him to the mortal club, though, Castiel can't help the snide bitterness that creeps into his voice, because he hates this club, and he only joined it because of Dean. Then he checks himself and laughs again and pretends that he's okay. He only has to pretend for a little bit longer, he thinks.
It works for a few minutes, but then it gets harder to pretend when Dean says quietly, "I'm sorry I let this happen to you, Cas."
Apologies are difficult for even this Dean, Castiel knows, and he laughs because, as always, it keeps him from sobbing.
Dean snaps, "Damnit, Cas, will you quit laughing?" So of course Castiel quits, because even now, after everything, he still can't not do what Dean asks of him. "I'm serious. I'm sorry about whatever dick-me did or didn't do that made you like this, and for what it's worth, I'm not gonna let it happen again."
He's so earnest and determined that Castiel can't help it. He laughs and laughs and laughs, and the more he laughs, the more bitter it sounds, because this Dean doesn't know anything, and because destiny can't be changed.
When he finally stops laughing, Dean continues like the interruption didn't happen. "I'm gonna watch out for Sam and keep him human, and I'm gonna watch out for you and keep you angel. Or even if I can't, I'm not gonna let you fall into this drugs and orgies routine, Cas, I swear it."
It's a nice image, and Castiel wishes more than anything that it had happened like that for him, but it didn't, so in the end, it's just a nice image. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Dean," he says lightly.
"I'll keep it. I didn't let you die a virgin, remember?" Dean points out, and it's half teasing but oh, Castiel remembers. He remembers Dean's laugh, and Dean's gentleness, and the way Dean kissed him--
Dean hasn't kissed him in over two years now, and Castiel wants it again so badly his hands are shaking, so he grips the steering wheel even harder but starts to forget why he shouldn't beg Dean for this.
"This promise won't be any different," Dean continues. "You'll keep on being that trench coat wearing, stick-up-the-ass angel who keeps tilting his head at me and not understanding sarcasm and forgetting that I need to do things like eat and sleep and piss."
"Stop, Dean," Castiel says, and he's not laughing anymore. It comes out sounding just as desperate as he feels, because Castiel can almost remember what it was like to be that Cas, can almost remember not hating himself, and Dean is tearing through his walls of drugs and indifference so fucking easily. If he keeps talking, Castiel will break.
Dean keeps talking. "And I won't really make you learn your lessons about personal space. Not gonna lie, I kind of like it when you get all up in mine--"
And that's what does it. Castiel screeches to a halt, and since they're bringing up the rear, he thinks the others might not notice for awhile. It doesn't matter. He gets out of the car and stalks over to the passenger side, and when Dean gets out too, Castiel shoves him up against the door. His fingers clench and unclench in Dean's shirt and he's breathing heavily and his eyes are narrowed, but before he can do anything, it's Dean who leans in and presses his lips to Castiel's.
He's gentle in the face of Castiel's roughness, and even when Castiel makes a pained sound and shoves his tongue into Dean's mouth frantically, Dean meets it with slow, soothing strokes of his own tongue, until Castiel stops fighting and gives in with a whimper and has no choice but to melt into Dean.
Dean smiles against his lips, just like that first time five years or a lifetime ago, and when Dean's hand slips into his jeans to stroke him with more fondness than anything else, Castiel clings to him just as tightly as he had then and buries his face in Dean's neck. This is his Dean, finally, the one who's good and whole, or at least, whole enough to care for Castiel and maybe, maybe even love him, and Castiel comes in his hand with a small, helpless cry and lets Dean hold him as he sags.
When it's over, Castiel wants to beg Dean to not let him go, ever, because Dean is the only thing holding him together and Castiel can't lose him again, he can't. He knows that if he begs, Dean will grant it to him.
But he also knows that this Dean doesn't belong here, in this time that's almost up, and he thinks that if he lets Dean go, Dean just might find a way to keep his promise to both him and that other Castiel, wherever he is, the one who actually belongs to this Dean and who still has a chance at something better than what he got. After all, if anyone can change destiny, it's Dean Winchester.
And Castiel also remembers that he once promised he wouldn't ask for anything more if only he got to have his Dean back for a short while. Apparently God is still out there after all, because Castiel got what he prayed for, so he thinks it's time to keep up his end of the bargain and die content.
Before he can pull away, though, Dean tightens his arm around Castiel protectively. Castiel turns his head to see the other Dean standing in front of his jeep and watching them.
He looks... hurt.
And suddenly Castiel realizes that he was so, so wrong. This Dean that's holding him isn't his Dean any more than Castiel is his Cas; he didn't spend the past five years of his life with Castiel; years that, for better or worse, shaped Castiel and his Dean together. That Dean over there is his Dean -- the broken, hurt one -- and if he let Castiel break, it was only because Castiel let him break first. But Castiel is done letting him break further, so now he pulls away from past-Dean, gives him a small, genuine smile of gratitude, and walks over to his Dean and into his personal space.
Dean is still laid bare before him with so many emotions Castiel hasn't seen in his eyes in two years, but he doesn't stop to marvel at it because there is something he needs to do more. Castiel feels around in his pocket for Sam's amulet, takes Dean's hand, and presses the amulet into it. Dean lets Castiel close his fingers around it, eyes bright, and then Castiel moves past him to climb into the passenger seat of his jeep.
He doesn't know if Dean keeps the amulet, but he doesn't hear it fall to the ground or crunch beneath Dean's boot, so he remembers how to hope. When Dean climbs in beside him, his face is once again its usual expressionless mask, but Castiel loves him anyway.
***
"Something isn't right," Castiel says when they drive into the hot zone and there isn't a single Croat around. A muscle in Dean's jaw twitches but he doesn't reply, so Castiel says slowly, "You have to take past-you and go through the back."
Dean looks at him, and there's fear in his eyes, and Castiel knows Dean is afraid of losing him. It makes him smile, and even though Dean turns away a moment later and doesn't protest, it's enough for Castiel. He doesn't regret his decision anymore.
For Dean, he will die all over again.
***
Castiel knows that Dean kept the amulet. He knows this because even through the bloody battle and gunfire, he can see Dean from the second floor window, and so he can see Dean not shoot Sam. Castiel smiles because he has saved the last thing worth saving in this world after all: his Dean.
And when Lucifer casts Dean to the ground and steps on his neck, Castiel's only thought is that this is a better end than the alternative. Dean will die human, at least, and he will die Castiel's Dean. He will even have kept his promise to Castiel to not let him die on his watch, while he is still alive, because Dean Winchester keeps his promises.
Dean's neck breaks, and Castiel forgets why he is still holding his gun. So, he drops it.
fin.
Title: Not All the Way Through
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Character death, substance abuse, mention of torture.
Word Count: ~4,700
Spoilers: 5x03 (Free to be You and Me) and 5x04 (The End)
Notes: I said in my episode review, "Omg I want fic where..." so of course I ended up writing it myself. -.- Title is from Linkin Park's "Leave Out All the Rest".
♥♥♥:
amechiro made seven gorgeous layouts inspired by this fic, and luvplatinumbaby read and posted a podfic.Summary: Castiel's new life begins and ends with Dean.
The first time, Dean is gentle. He doesn't try to seduce Castiel like Chastity had, doesn't flaunt his body and sex appeal. He laughs. And it doesn't matter that Castiel suspects the jokes are probably at his own expense, because whatever the expense, it's a small price to pay to have Dean warm and happy beside him, and to know that he, Castiel, is the cause of all that warmth and happiness. He is also the target of it, and it draws him in and loosens him up far more effectively than any seduction.
Castiel isn't nervous when their lips meet because even pressed against his, Dean's are curved into a smile, and Castiel is even comfortable with Dean unzipping his slacks and sliding a hand in to touch him. At first, Dean kisses and strokes him almost playfully, but he stops grinning when Castiel arches into his hand, aching and trembling with a newfound desire.
Dean pulls away to divest them both of their clothes, but he swallows the tail end of the small, needy noise Castiel makes and hushes him, and then he's back. His hand is slick with oil Castiel would protest the use of, but his protests die unspoken when that hand wraps itself around him again for two long, slow strokes. Then Dean climbs into his lap and fits himself perfectly around Castiel, and all Castiel can do while Dean slides up and down on top of him is cling to his naked, sweaty body and rock into him and pant raggedly against his neck.
Castiel's voice breaks on Dean's name when he comes, and Castiel breaks, too, but Dean holds him close and keeps him together until Castiel can do that for himself again.
"Good?" Dean asks, and Castiel can only cling tighter and nod. Then he pulls away to look up at Dean's face and that fond, oddly tender smile that's still there. Dean winks and says, "Told you I wouldn't let you die a virgin."
His smile goes slack with pleasure when Castiel reaches between them to stroke him, and when Dean kisses him again, Castiel can taste the beginnings of desperation. By the time Dean pulses in his hand with a low moan, Castiel can hear it, too, clear and fierce. It's Dean's turn to clutch and cling, and there isn't a single trace of playfulness left when he whispers into Castiel's hair, "I've got another promise for you, Cas. I'm not gonna let you die at all on my watch, not again, not while I'm still alive."
Castiel believes him, and when dawn breaks them apart, Dean keeps his promise.
***
Dean tells Castiel that he's good, and that he's happy alone. He isn't.
After Castiel catches wind of the Colt's whereabouts, he stays to help Dean search for it. Dean doesn't thank him with words, but his tongue presses gratitude into Castiel's mouth, and his fingers trace it all over Castiel's body.
Sometimes, Dean's face lights up with humor, and in these moments, Castiel almost thinks he could be enough for this man.
***
Such moments never last for too long.
On Sam's birthday, Castiel coaxes Dean into calling him. It has been months since the brothers have spoken, and Sam doesn't pick up. Dean doesn't say much for the rest of the day.
At night, when Castiel crawls into Dean's bed, he presses Sam's amulet into Dean's hand and closes his fingers around it. He has long since accepted that God doesn't want to be found, and that his place is by Dean's side. Castiel doesn't let go of his hand, and Dean's eyes shine in the darkness.
***
Dean makes Castiel learn how to wash and take care of his baby before he teaches Castiel how to drive her.
Castiel handles Dean's car as lovingly as he handles Dean, because he knows it is an extension of Dean.
Still, Dean doesn't mind when Castiel pushes him up against the door and gets his fingerprints all over a pristine window. He does make Castiel clean it again afterward, though, while he lounges in the backseat to watch with sated amusement.
***
There is much less to be amused about after the angels leave. Castiel can feel their absence sharply, and it is no consolation that they won't have to worry about hiding from his brothers anymore.
Even Dean's arms around him are small consolation, because Castiel knows with a crushing certainty that he will never see any of them again, and being abandoned like this, alone in a world of humans, scares him. Castiel lies in Dean's arms and prays to God.
***
The day comes when Castiel can no longer draw the blood out of his trench coat or mend its tears. Dean takes the coat from his shaking hands and teaches him how to wash and sew.
Washing and sewing become impractical when people start turning into monsters and Dean and Castiel start fleeing from one town to the next almost without rest. When a Croat catches the hem of his trench coat, Castiel shrugs out of it and keeps running. He doesn't have time to lament the loss of Jimmy's keepsake until much later.
Dean gives Castiel one of his own coats.
***
It isn't just Castiel. Dean helps everyone he can. He sets up a refuge in an abandoned camp and brings Bobby and Chuck and a number of other survivors there to guard them. He teaches those who need it how to fight and shoot guns and splint broken limbs. He takes care of them all, and Bobby and Chuck take care of the rations and medical supplies.
Castiel takes care of Dean. He makes sure Dean is eating and sleeping and has toilet paper, and when the weight of the world or the weight of Sam's absence crushes Dean, Castiel is there to hold him. He prays to God for strength, but he suspects he only has it because Dean needs him to have it. It isn't quite enough, but it pulls Dean through the night.
***
After Dean hears about Sam and Lucifer and Detroit, he doesn't say a single thing all day, and it isn't Castiel's strength that gets him through the night. He doesn't want to be held, and when Castiel tries, Dean turns him over, spits on his hand, and barely gives himself half a stroke before pushing in.
It hurts, badly, but Castiel clenches his fists in the sheets and lets Dean do whatever he needs to do because Dean needs to do it. Dean doesn't make a sound when he comes, but his entire body shakes and his fingers dig into Castiel's hips so sharply they leave bruises. After he is finished, he reaches around Castiel and between his legs, but all he finds there is softness.
Dean pulls out of Castiel and leaves him there on the mattress. Castiel twists to look at him, but he doesn't look back as he pulls his clothes back on and leaves their cabin. Castiel hesitates, but decides not to follow him, and a minute later he hears the Impala's engine roar to life outside.
***
The next day, Dean still won't look at Castiel.
But Castiel looks at him, and he sees Dean take off Sam's amulet and hurl it to the ground. It lands with an audible clank, and then Castiel can hear the sound of gravel crunching beneath Dean's boot, too, as he grinds it into the ground. After Dean is gone, Castiel picks up the unharmed amulet, blows the dirt from it, and tucks it into his pocket.
Dean spends the night in Reesa's cabin, and that hurts Castiel a lot more than what he did the night before.
***
Castiel spends many, many nights in a row alone. He is cold, and miserable, and just wants Dean back. He prays for it, but he isn't sure if he's praying to God or to Dean.
He doesn't get Dean back, though. When Castiel cleans Croatoan blood off of the Impala and makes it pristine, Dean doesn't care. He sneers and bashes in the driver's side window with the butt of his rifle, and then shoves the rifle at Castiel and tells him to do something useful, like practice his shitty aim.
Castiel does as he's told and spends most of the day on target practice. When Dean comes over with two beers and tells Castiel he's getting better, Castiel knows that it's as close to apologizing as Dean can come. He accepts the beer, smiles at Dean, and pretends that this is enough.
***
Dean hasn't mentioned Sam once since Detroit happened, and he still won't talk to Castiel about it, but he does crawl into their bed again to fuck him. It isn't as rough and punishing as last time, and Dean makes sure Castiel gets off too, but he won't kiss him, and afterward he simply rolls over and falls asleep.
Castiel watches his troubled face in the dim moonlight for a long time, so close to his own, but he doesn't feel like he's gotten Dean back at all. Not his Dean, anyway. He keeps praying.
***
Because it isn't his Dean, it hurts less when Dean keeps on sleeping around indiscriminately. It still does hurt, though, because as far as Castiel can see, he isn't any different from Reesa or Jayne or any of the other women Dean sleeps with anymore. He is just another warm, willing body. He is not enough.
Castiel doesn't think of their cabin or their bed as theirs anymore. It's his now, with Dean just an occasional visitor.
The first time he brings a woman to his bed, Castiel only does it because he is bitter and drunk and for the first time, he wants to hurt Dean back. Dean doesn't seem hurt by it, but he does avoid Castiel for an even longer stretch than usual, and that makes Castiel even more bitter.
The second time he brings a woman to his bed, Castiel is still bitter, but he isn't drunk, and he doesn't do it to hurt Dean. He does it because he's lonely, and he welcomes the distraction.
***
Castiel decides that praying is useless, and that if he wants his Dean back, he will have to try harder to be enough and work at it himself. Dean doesn't respond to anything he does, though. Even the most innocent of touches is purely sexual to him, and Castiel's gentleness is met with coldness. And Dean is always willing to talk about weapons and strategy and helping victims, but he never lets Castiel talk about helping him.
Still, Castiel doesn't recognize that his efforts are futile until Bobby makes a trip back to his old house for an ancient text and is ambushed and killed there, and Dean doesn't react to the news at all. He has long since stopped caring about anyone, or fearing their loss. He is fearless, and he continues leading their small group as if nothing has happened.
Castiel's tone is angry and derisive the first time he calls Dean their fearless leader, but Dean either doesn't notice or doesn't care. The anger fades eventually when Castiel becomes too tired to be angry anymore, but the derision stays.
***
They still work well together, Dean and Castiel. They are efficient, and deadly, and between them, they keep the camp running smoothly even without Bobby.
That changes when they are running away from a mob of Croats and Castiel catches his foot between two rocks and breaks it. He falls to the ground with a pained cry and when Dean stops to look back, there is actually a flicker of fear in his eyes. But then it passes, and Castiel thinks for one, sickening moment that Dean will leave him and keep running, promises of not letting Castiel die on his watch long forgotten, because that's exactly what all of them do when someone falls behind, these days. All those who stayed to help fallen comrades died a long time ago.
Behind him, Castiel can hear the Croats getting closer, but somehow, Dean doesn't turn and keep running. He fires off four shots into the mob, and it slows them down just long enough for him to grab Castiel by the arm and pull him up. Dean's arm comes under Castiel's and wraps around his body to support him, and then he takes off again, half carrying Castiel and half dragging him. It is the most painful experience of Castiel's mortal life, but the pain is dull compared to his gratitude and hope.
He thinks that maybe his Dean isn't gone forever after all, and when the Croats start catching up to them and closing in, it makes him pant, "Leave me, Dean. You can still make it if you leave me." They aren't too far from the car now, but Castiel knows they'll never make it, not both of them. If his Dean is still in there somewhere, he doesn't want him to go down like this, on Castiel's account. It is enough that he tried.
Dean slows for a moment, but instead of letting Castiel go, he hands Castiel his gun, heaves him over his shoulder, and says harshly, "Shut the fuck up and shoot."
So Castiel shoots, and Dean runs, and by some miracle, the Croats fall back enough that they both make it to the car.
***
"Dean," Castiel says softly, later, when they are alone in Castiel's cabin and Dean has Castiel's foot in his lap and is touching him so, so gently. His voice is full of tentative hope, but Dean doesn't look up from tending to his foot. "Thank you," he says anyway.
"I won't do it again," Dean replies coldly. He finishes wrapping up Castiel's foot and leaves without another word.
Castiel watches him go and doesn't doubt his words. He doesn't think he'll ever truly get his Dean back, but he starts praying again anyway, to anyone who will listen. He promises that if it ever happens, even for a short while, he will never ask for anything more, and that he would even die content.
***
No one listens.
Castiel is put out of commission for two months, and in that time, Dean works with Chuck and Reesa and the others, and the camp runs just as smoothly without Castiel's help. He doesn't let Castiel do much and keeps telling him to take care of his foot. Castiel's foot isn't what hurts most, but Dean doesn't seem to care about the rest of him.
So Castiel stays in bed and has never felt more helpless in his entire existence. He starts letting more women distract him, and when it doesn't work, he only tries harder, coaxing in as many at a time as he can.
The only one who won't come to him is Dean.
***
By the time Dean starts torturing, any hope that Castiel had of his Dean ever coming back to him has long since died again, and now he even stops praying.
He comes to resent this Dean, the one with no compassion or heart or even morals, because this isn't the Dean who he followed and fell for. For the first time, he regrets his decision to rebel. Castiel lost everything for Dean, and then he lost Dean, too, and he has nothing to make it worth it anymore. Maybe it was never worth it to begin with, since people and families everywhere are burning anyway.
With nothing left to lose, Castiel doesn't see why he shouldn't lose himself to drugs when the opportunity arises. They heighten his sensations and make him feel better than he's felt since Dean stopped and came back for him. More like an angel, even, though truthfully Castiel has forgotten what it felt like to be an angel because all he has left are human senses. In any case, Castiel decides he likes drugs.
If there's a part of him that hopes Dean will stop him, it dies quickly because Dean doesn't. Dean sneers and calls him a pathetic, useless hippie. Castiel laughs because it's true, and he laughs because he doesn't care, but mostly, he laughs to hide his pain, because he does care.
And then he searches for an even higher high and imagines he's flying.
***
There's a part of Castiel that thinks manipulating women into sleeping with him is probably wrong, but without Dean's moral compass to guide him, Castiel doesn't try to guide himself. He simply doesn't care when he is stoned, and he is always stoned.
So he speaks of love and enlightenment because he is supposed to be an angel, and the women listen to his every word.
Dean never stops being contemptuous, but he does stop showing it. Whenever he pretends to not see the needles in Castiel's arms or his bloody noses, Castiel finds it kind of hilarious.
***
When Castiel sees Dean again -- his Dean -- he thinks maybe he's finally lost it, and that it must be a hallucination, but it's a fun one, and Castiel is glad for it. It's the one thing he's wanted above all else ever since he first lost Dean, after all, so he is more than happy to play along.
Then he realizes that everyone else can see his Dean, too, and that he's real. This realization comes with the knowledge that the end is close, and later, on a fresh high, Castiel laughs in something that might be relief.
***
Castiel finds his Dean and his sharp wit adorable. But it makes him ache, too, because even though this is his Dean, Castiel looks at him and realizes that he can't touch him like he wants to, can't have him, and especially can't keep him, even for the short time he has left, because Castiel isn't his Cas, not anymore. His Dean is right here and still, Castiel misses him so much. It has to be some deity's idea of a joke, and even though it's played at Castiel's expense, he thinks it's kind of funny.
Regardless of whether or not Castiel can have him, though, he wants his Dean to know what he'll become. He likes to think it's because he wants to save Dean, and also the past version of himself, and he does, but he suspects it's mostly just because he wants a Dean -- either Dean, really -- to care.
As it turns out, both of them do. Well, his Dean does, obviously, but even the Dean that's become someone else looks, for a moment as his eyes flicker between Castiel and his past self, like he might actually care that Castiel doesn't like him anymore. And that, well, that makes Castiel ache too, because the look lasts for less than a second.
Then they are back to talking strategy, though it really isn't much of a strategy at all. Castiel can see why this will be the end, and he is okay with it. He is more than okay with it, so when Dean asks if he's coming, he says, "Of course." He sees no reason to break his habit of following Dean this late in the game, and in any case he has nothing better to do. He protests putting his Dean in danger, but it is halfhearted and he gives up quickly because he knows, logically, that Zachariah will not let anything happen to him, and a selfish part of him just wants more time with his Dean.
***
He does get more time with his Dean, in the car. He doesn't hide his drugs, and this Dean doesn't try to stop him either, but he does care enough to ask about him again. It's such a long story and they have so little time that Castiel laughs, almost hysterically, because otherwise he might break completely and stop the car and beg Dean to hold him one more time. But he manages to keep it together, and tells Dean what he can so that Dean will care even more.
When Dean welcomes him to the mortal club, though, Castiel can't help the snide bitterness that creeps into his voice, because he hates this club, and he only joined it because of Dean. Then he checks himself and laughs again and pretends that he's okay. He only has to pretend for a little bit longer, he thinks.
It works for a few minutes, but then it gets harder to pretend when Dean says quietly, "I'm sorry I let this happen to you, Cas."
Apologies are difficult for even this Dean, Castiel knows, and he laughs because, as always, it keeps him from sobbing.
Dean snaps, "Damnit, Cas, will you quit laughing?" So of course Castiel quits, because even now, after everything, he still can't not do what Dean asks of him. "I'm serious. I'm sorry about whatever dick-me did or didn't do that made you like this, and for what it's worth, I'm not gonna let it happen again."
He's so earnest and determined that Castiel can't help it. He laughs and laughs and laughs, and the more he laughs, the more bitter it sounds, because this Dean doesn't know anything, and because destiny can't be changed.
When he finally stops laughing, Dean continues like the interruption didn't happen. "I'm gonna watch out for Sam and keep him human, and I'm gonna watch out for you and keep you angel. Or even if I can't, I'm not gonna let you fall into this drugs and orgies routine, Cas, I swear it."
It's a nice image, and Castiel wishes more than anything that it had happened like that for him, but it didn't, so in the end, it's just a nice image. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Dean," he says lightly.
"I'll keep it. I didn't let you die a virgin, remember?" Dean points out, and it's half teasing but oh, Castiel remembers. He remembers Dean's laugh, and Dean's gentleness, and the way Dean kissed him--
Dean hasn't kissed him in over two years now, and Castiel wants it again so badly his hands are shaking, so he grips the steering wheel even harder but starts to forget why he shouldn't beg Dean for this.
"This promise won't be any different," Dean continues. "You'll keep on being that trench coat wearing, stick-up-the-ass angel who keeps tilting his head at me and not understanding sarcasm and forgetting that I need to do things like eat and sleep and piss."
"Stop, Dean," Castiel says, and he's not laughing anymore. It comes out sounding just as desperate as he feels, because Castiel can almost remember what it was like to be that Cas, can almost remember not hating himself, and Dean is tearing through his walls of drugs and indifference so fucking easily. If he keeps talking, Castiel will break.
Dean keeps talking. "And I won't really make you learn your lessons about personal space. Not gonna lie, I kind of like it when you get all up in mine--"
And that's what does it. Castiel screeches to a halt, and since they're bringing up the rear, he thinks the others might not notice for awhile. It doesn't matter. He gets out of the car and stalks over to the passenger side, and when Dean gets out too, Castiel shoves him up against the door. His fingers clench and unclench in Dean's shirt and he's breathing heavily and his eyes are narrowed, but before he can do anything, it's Dean who leans in and presses his lips to Castiel's.
He's gentle in the face of Castiel's roughness, and even when Castiel makes a pained sound and shoves his tongue into Dean's mouth frantically, Dean meets it with slow, soothing strokes of his own tongue, until Castiel stops fighting and gives in with a whimper and has no choice but to melt into Dean.
Dean smiles against his lips, just like that first time five years or a lifetime ago, and when Dean's hand slips into his jeans to stroke him with more fondness than anything else, Castiel clings to him just as tightly as he had then and buries his face in Dean's neck. This is his Dean, finally, the one who's good and whole, or at least, whole enough to care for Castiel and maybe, maybe even love him, and Castiel comes in his hand with a small, helpless cry and lets Dean hold him as he sags.
When it's over, Castiel wants to beg Dean to not let him go, ever, because Dean is the only thing holding him together and Castiel can't lose him again, he can't. He knows that if he begs, Dean will grant it to him.
But he also knows that this Dean doesn't belong here, in this time that's almost up, and he thinks that if he lets Dean go, Dean just might find a way to keep his promise to both him and that other Castiel, wherever he is, the one who actually belongs to this Dean and who still has a chance at something better than what he got. After all, if anyone can change destiny, it's Dean Winchester.
And Castiel also remembers that he once promised he wouldn't ask for anything more if only he got to have his Dean back for a short while. Apparently God is still out there after all, because Castiel got what he prayed for, so he thinks it's time to keep up his end of the bargain and die content.
Before he can pull away, though, Dean tightens his arm around Castiel protectively. Castiel turns his head to see the other Dean standing in front of his jeep and watching them.
He looks... hurt.
And suddenly Castiel realizes that he was so, so wrong. This Dean that's holding him isn't his Dean any more than Castiel is his Cas; he didn't spend the past five years of his life with Castiel; years that, for better or worse, shaped Castiel and his Dean together. That Dean over there is his Dean -- the broken, hurt one -- and if he let Castiel break, it was only because Castiel let him break first. But Castiel is done letting him break further, so now he pulls away from past-Dean, gives him a small, genuine smile of gratitude, and walks over to his Dean and into his personal space.
Dean is still laid bare before him with so many emotions Castiel hasn't seen in his eyes in two years, but he doesn't stop to marvel at it because there is something he needs to do more. Castiel feels around in his pocket for Sam's amulet, takes Dean's hand, and presses the amulet into it. Dean lets Castiel close his fingers around it, eyes bright, and then Castiel moves past him to climb into the passenger seat of his jeep.
He doesn't know if Dean keeps the amulet, but he doesn't hear it fall to the ground or crunch beneath Dean's boot, so he remembers how to hope. When Dean climbs in beside him, his face is once again its usual expressionless mask, but Castiel loves him anyway.
***
"Something isn't right," Castiel says when they drive into the hot zone and there isn't a single Croat around. A muscle in Dean's jaw twitches but he doesn't reply, so Castiel says slowly, "You have to take past-you and go through the back."
Dean looks at him, and there's fear in his eyes, and Castiel knows Dean is afraid of losing him. It makes him smile, and even though Dean turns away a moment later and doesn't protest, it's enough for Castiel. He doesn't regret his decision anymore.
For Dean, he will die all over again.
***
Castiel knows that Dean kept the amulet. He knows this because even through the bloody battle and gunfire, he can see Dean from the second floor window, and so he can see Dean not shoot Sam. Castiel smiles because he has saved the last thing worth saving in this world after all: his Dean.
And when Lucifer casts Dean to the ground and steps on his neck, Castiel's only thought is that this is a better end than the alternative. Dean will die human, at least, and he will die Castiel's Dean. He will even have kept his promise to Castiel to not let him die on his watch, while he is still alive, because Dean Winchester keeps his promises.
Dean's neck breaks, and Castiel forgets why he is still holding his gun. So, he drops it.
fin.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2009-10-04 01:05 am (UTC)THIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Congratulations. For 8 and a half minutes you stopped my from thinking about the MASSIVE Bulge in Chris Heyerdahl's pants all day long.
See, Ma! Miracles DO happen!
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Date: 2009-10-04 05:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 01:07 am (UTC)*broke*
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Date: 2009-10-04 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 01:07 am (UTC)this was absolutely fantastic in every way and it hurt all of my buttons and the last sections were a piece of art. it's obvious that you've written this with so much heartfelt emotions and thank you.
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Date: 2009-10-04 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 01:17 am (UTC)I can't decide which moment is most devastating - there were several, from Dean's promise, to Castiel realizing which Dean was *his* Dean, to the ending. Damn, you made me CRY.
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Date: 2009-10-04 05:44 pm (UTC)Heh, I was kind of gleeful about packing all of that into such a short space. :">
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Date: 2009-10-04 01:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 05:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 01:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 06:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 01:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 01:30 am (UTC)You have totaly wrecked me with your awesomness!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this piece of heartbreaking beauty.
If anyone wants me you'll find me sobbing quitely in the corner!
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Date: 2009-10-04 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 01:33 am (UTC)I love the way you describe their changing and the changing of their relationship, it's so realistic, I can actually imagine it happening exactly like that in the canon.
The part with the trenchcoat is great, I liked the subtlety you described Castiel's situation here with.
Another part I really liked is the one where Castiel breakes his feet and Dean saves him, even though Dean's coldness was painful.
Dean looks at him, and there's fear in his eyes, and Castiel knows Dean is afraid of losing him. It makes him smile, and even though Dean turns away a moment later and doesn't protest, it's enough for Castiel. He doesn't regret his decision anymore.
I really like the idea, having Castiel suggesting this plan, and honestly, I hope that it was like that.
The last sentence killed me, this is so sad.
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Date: 2009-10-04 07:40 pm (UTC)I'm relieved you thought this was realistic, really, and that it worked so well for you, especially since it was such a long period of time to cover in only a few thousand words.
Hahha, I think having Cas suggest the plan was just me being in denial that Dean could ever REALLY betray him like that. -.-
Anyway, thanks again, and especially for taking the time to pick out parts you particularly liked! ♥
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Date: 2009-10-04 01:38 am (UTC)OMFG. this was so frikin beautiful ♥
+ i was really hoping for this type of story after watching The End so yu just made my day.
i *adore* yur Cas && the car switch at the end. :)
"And suddenly Castiel realizes that he was so, so wrong. This Dean that's holding him isn't his Dean; he didn't spend the past five years of his life with Castiel, years that, for better or worse, shaped Castiel and his Dean together. That Dean over there is his Dean -- the broken, hurt one -- and if he let Castiel break, it was only because Castiel let him break, first. But Castiel is done letting him break further, so now he pulls away from past-Dean, gives him a small, genuine smile of gratitude, and walks over to his Dean."
& that line made my heart ache for both future Cas & Dean.
anyways I really hope you write another The End universe type fic.<3
This One truly rocked.♥
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Date: 2009-10-04 11:46 pm (UTC)*hugs*
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this! I don't know that I'll write another fic for this episode since I already told the story I wanted to tell, but then again I've written more than one fic for certain episodes in the past, so.. who knows?
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Date: 2009-10-04 01:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 01:45 am (UTC)And you know what, when Past Dean and Future Cas got together I was all, "Yeah! Take that, Future Dean!" But when Cas saw F!Dean and went back to him, I realized that yes, this is even better, and it's true what you wrote, that F!Dean is F!Cas's Dean, and you made me see that F!Cas and F!Dean finding each other again was even more amazing than F!Cas and Past!Dean. Wow.
I don't know if I'll ever get over "The End", and now this. This. Truly amazing work.
God, I need Paris Hilton now.
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Date: 2009-10-05 12:35 am (UTC)You know, that's actually kind of how I felt at first, too, that past!Dean should fix future!Cas and then at least he'd die content-ish, so this ending actually sort of came out of nowhere. It seemed to fit, I guess, since I kept rewatching that scene were future!Dean's eyes flickered between them when Cas said he liked past-him. And I knew I couldn't give him at least a bit of something, too, because in the end, each Dean and Cas to their own, that's the OTP. Anyway, I'm thrilled you liked that!
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Date: 2009-10-04 01:50 am (UTC)I am seriously so broken-hearted right now, I just bawled all over myself.
You have created such a realistic and emotional past for them, something which shifted from love and adoration to brokenness and emptiness then, inevitably, back to love. Really, you could not have done a better job of telling this story, their story, than you did.
There are so many lines I want to quote back at you because they were just so perfect, but we'd be here all night, and I doubt you'd be very happy with me taking up so much room. XD So, I'll quote one.
Dean's neck breaks, and Castiel forgets why he is still holding his gun. So, he drops it.
THIS. KILLED. ME. This really sums up their relationship in total, doesn't it? Castiel gives everything, everything, for Dean so, once Dean is gone...
Oh my god. So much love for this. SO MUCH. <3
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Date: 2009-10-05 12:39 am (UTC)I'm relived you think it was realistic, and that it had the right emotional depth, considering this was five years and only a few thousand words. Mostly, though, I'm just so happy you like this story for them so much.
Castiel was doomed the moment he walked into that barn. There's really no way else for him to go, except for Dean. WHY SO TRAGIC? D:
So much love for YOU and this comment! ♥
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Date: 2009-10-04 01:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 12:44 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-10-05 12:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 02:14 am (UTC)Oh man, that hurts. But it is such a good hurt, because I believe every moment of it, from the pain on through to the redemption. Gah! This episode killed me and then this story brought me back to do it all again. ;-)
I gotta go eat a cupcake or hug my kitty now or something.
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Date: 2009-10-05 12:46 am (UTC)I kind of love how much hurt this is causing.Mostly, I'm just glad you found this believable, thank you so much!Kitten hugs all around! (Pretend they're Dean and Castiel or something.)
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Date: 2009-10-05 01:19 am (UTC)I'm really glad the emotions came through for you in this! I wasn't too sure, yesterday, that they worked the way I wanted them to, to be honest.
Each Cas and Dean to each other, oh, boys. They are so inevitably OTP. ♥
Thanks again!
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Date: 2009-10-04 02:23 am (UTC)Thank you for writing and sharing this. *wanders off to curl up into fetal position and cry*
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Date: 2009-10-05 01:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 02:43 am (UTC)He is fearless, and he continues leading their small group as if nothing has happened. Castiel's tone is angry and derisive the first time he calls Dean their fearless leader.
I love how you tied this in. Brilliant. It seemed so bitter when Cas called Dean this in the episode, and you just explained how it had come to be so easily, giving it the perfect reason. Heart break #1.
Then he realizes that everyone else can see his Dean, too, and that he's real.
Oh, druggie!desperate!Cas! I just want to give him a really big hug. Heart break #2. Poor thing ♥
Castiel laughs, almost hysterically, because otherwise he might break completely and stop the car and beg Dean to hold him one more time.
I teared up! Heart break #3. So broken and desperate and miserable, and all he wants is to be loved again. WHY CAN'T I JUMP INTO THIS STORY AND HUG THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA THE POOR THING!?
"And I won't really make you learn your lessons about personal space. Not gonna lie, I kind of like it when you get all up in mine--"
Kay, so, this didn't actually totally break my heart, but it made me giggle. Very Edlund-esque, the way you threw something so sweet and funny and still so sad into the middle of the angst. Because I totally giggled and was like "Knew it."
When Dean climbs in beside him, his face is once again its usual expressionless mask, but Castiel loves him anyway.
Heart break #4. He just can't stop loving Dean, and that's so beautiful and devestating to me! Poor, poor, poor thing! ♥♥♥♥♥
Dean's neck breaks, and Castiel forgets why he is still holding his gun. So, he drops it.
And heart break #5. He gives up. I can't handle it. *tears*
So all in all, this story was heart-breaking (in case you hadn't gotten the memo) and it totally destroyed me. In a good way. Truly incredible, and I'm adding this to my memories so I can read it again, and get my heart broken over and over again. Seriously. This was the perfect tag to the episode.
Wonderful story, darling. There are few writers so talented as you.
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Date: 2009-10-05 03:20 am (UTC)It seemed so bitter when Cas called Dean this in the episode
I don't think he ever called future!Dean anything but Fearless Leader, which makes me wonder if he just stopped calling Dean by his name at all, at some point, when he decided this wasn't his Dean anymore. Now I wish I'd thought of this before I wrote the fic, actually, because that would've been cool. To make a point of Castiel never calling him Dean anymore until the very end, right? Oh well. Pretend it happened. :P
WHY CAN'T I JUMP INTO THIS STORY AND HUG THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA THE POOR THING!?
THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT CASTIEL ON THE SHOW 24/7. UGHHHH. AT LEAST WE HAVE FIC AND ART ABOUT DEAN HUGGING HIM, THOUGH.
Very Edlund-esque
I'm really flattered you think this in any way resembled his writing! eeeee, thank you!
He just can't stop loving Dean, and that's so beautiful and devestating to me!
Some things never truly change, I really believe that. :(
He gives up. I can't handle it. *tears*
*HUGS YOU*
This comment is freaking amazing, and I am flattered as hell, cannot thank you enough for it! ♥
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 02:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 02:52 am (UTC)and in these moments, Castiel almost thinks he could be enough for this man.
Oh, thanks. I'm completely broken now. Hope you're happy. *sniffles*
no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 03:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-04 03:02 am (UTC)What a beautiful exploration of those five missing years. This is basically exactly how I envisioned things going. And it's so very heartbreaking, but that Cas got to die at least somewhat content, things coming full circle in the end (albeit in a very bitter sort of way), makes it all almost okay.
Still, though. PAIN. OH, CAS.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 03:23 am (UTC)(And sorry I enjoy CAUSING PAIN. XD)