tracy_loo_who | Fic: One Angel's Faith (Castiel and Dean, gen)

ffff. So much for not writing any season 5 fic until after I finished my big damn WIP. *facepalm*

Title: One Angel's Faith
Characters: Castiel and Dean
Rating: G
Word Count: ~800
Spoilers: 5x02 - Good God, Ya'll
Notes: I read

vichan's episode reaction and couldn't stop thinking about this, so I started writing up my own Castiel and Dean/Castiel meta. Then it turned into a ficlet. Go figure. -.-
Summary: Without giving away anything spoilery, this is basically a Castiel POV take on the episode and the things that brought him to this point.

Castiel has never, in his entire existence, seen the face of the God he exists for.

But God was always with him, His presence woven into Castiel's place among the ranks of Heaven, into the orders and purpose passed down to Castiel from his superiors, into the whispers of Castiel's brothers and sisters. Those things were God, and Castiel felt Him, so it was never a question of faith. Castiel had proof that He was there.

And even when Castiel left Heaven and went into Hell to find Dean Winchester, God went with him. Castiel could feel His will, and it guided him, unfaltering, through his mission.

Then Dean Winchester became Dean, the man who made Castiel feel anger, and amusement, and affection and sorrow and a dozen other things he was never meant to feel. He also made Castiel feel something he was meant to feel, and that was God's presence, because even though Dean was insolent and faithless and couldn't feel God himself, he knew Him nevertheless. Dean knew His will, and he taught it to Castiel. Castiel came to feel God's presence in Dean more than he felt it in his place among the ranks of Heaven, or in the orders and purpose passed down to him from his superiors, or in the whispers of his brothers and sisters. And perhaps more importantly, Castiel came to care about Dean more than he cared about all of those other things, so when Castiel came to a choice between them and Dean, he chose Dean.

He still doesn't understand how Dean failed.

Now, when Castiel looks at Dean, he doesn't feel God's presence anymore, because Castiel gave him the chance to do God's will, and he didn't. And Castiel no longer has a place among the ranks of Heaven, either, or superiors to look to for orders and purpose, or any whispers from his brothers and sisters. He can't feel God's presence anywhere, and with that presence went the proof that He was there.

So now, Castiel has to rely on faith. And he does have it -- Castiel has faith that God resurrected him and pulled Dean and Sam out of Lucifer's path -- but it is such a tenuous thing, faith, and so new to him. Castiel still knows that God is there, but he isn't sure. He needs to be reassured, and he needs to be taught how to hold on to his faith until he finds God again. He needs Dean to teach him that, like Dean taught him God's will, and he needs it so desperately it blinds him to sarcasm he might otherwise have seen. But Dean is faithless as ever, and for the first time, his faithlessness makes Castiel doubt.

That, in turn, makes him angry, because Castiel only has two things left: his faith, and Dean. Dean has cost him everything else he ever knew, and now he is threatening to take Castiel's faith, too. And if Castiel loses that, then so too will he lose Dean, to Michael, because that is the only other way. So Castiel cannot listen to Dean's words and opinions anymore, and he lashes out. Part of him wants to hurt Dean, to make Dean feel even a small fraction of his pain so that maybe then, Dean can understand. The rest of him just wants that understanding, and it doesn't matter if it happens through pain or compassion or something else. Castiel needs this from Dean because if Dean doesn't understand, then he will be well and truly alone for the first time in his existence. The thought terrifies Castiel.

Maybe Dean does understand, though, because when Castiel asks him for the amulet, Dean gives it to him. Castiel knows he doesn't part with it lightly, knows its significance to Dean as a symbol of his bond with the one person he values above all else, and knows that Dean doesn't give it to him in the hopes that Castiel will use it to find God and save the world. Dean doesn't believe in God, after all. He gives Castiel the amulet because he knows Castiel needs to believe in God, and Castiel needs to find Him, and Dean cares about what Castiel needs.

It warms Castiel and softens his anger, and even though he isn't quite ready to believe again that the man before him can save the world, Dean's friendship feels like a presence to him, in a way that is so much closer and more real than God's presence ever felt. It reminds him that he hasn't lost everything, and it wasn't all for nothing, and also, it makes Castiel begin to wonder if he only felt God's presence before because his faith was so strong he mistook it for proof.

As he leaves Dean with the amulet clutched safely in his hand, Castiel thinks that maybe he has known how to have faith all along.

fin.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense, I haven't slept since, you know, way before the episode. *facepalm* Will reply to all the comments I owe people after a nap. ♥

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From:

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He gives Castiel the amulet because he knows Castiel needs to believe in God, and Castiel needs to find Him, and Dean cares about what Castiel needs.

OMG Tracy , You nail it so well. ♥

Thats all I can say for now,forgive me. I just finished watching , still Flailing . ;P

From:

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Fic: One Angel's Faith (Castiel and Dean, gen)

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