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mishaland tag? I may need my own, hmm.
Title: This Thing Called Free Will
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2,400
Spoilers: 4x22 - Lucifer Rising
Notes: This was originally sort of meant to be a sequel to Where All Paths Lead, but the details of it don't quite fit with that fic and that fic doesn't quite fit with canon anymore, so this is a standalone, I guess. A very strange, very angsty one. I dunno, I dunno, please do tell me if it doesn't work. :| Also, I don't really think Zachariah is an archangel, but Misha thinks so, and it worked for this fic, so.
♥♥♥: You can also listen to this fic as a podfic, read bykatrinaswift. :D
Summary: Time is fluid, and Castiel can see how it will go because he can bend it on occasion.
In the year 2009 Anno Dean, Castiel will have existed for 63 billion, 241 million, 430 thousand, and 400 seconds on Earth without Dean. He will be cold and alone, and he will ache for his Dean.
It will not end.
***
In the year 1005 AD, Castiel will become too tired. He will beg the reaper who once called herself Tessa to take him. She will shake her head sadly and repeat what Uriel said to him, over a thousand years ago: "Only an angel can kill another angel, Castiel."
But Lucifer will be long dead, and the only being capable of threatening Earth and bringing back the angels will be Castiel himself. He will be tempted, but even his hatred and scorn for the humans will not push him to harm them, because Dean told Castiel they mattered, Dean loved them, and Dean died for them.
Castiel will sit in the Impala and begin to despair. But he will let them burn icons of him, and eventually, he will let them stop believing in his kind.
***
In 666 AD, Jimmy will finally forget who he is. He will forget that he did this for his daughter, and he will forget everything except for his pain and his hatred for the angel who will never stop causing him that pain.
Castiel will say nothing whenever Jimmy lashes out at him, because he will know he deserves the blame. It will occur to Castiel that Jimmy's victimization is the only truth contained in the Winchester Gospels concerning himself, and he will laugh bitterly and begin to hate Jimmy despite himself. He will not be able to help it, because Jimmy's anger will seep into his own.
***
The manuscripts that Castiel wrote himself detailing the events of the War on the Morning Star will get lost in a fire in 505 AD, and Castiel will not bother saving them. He will not forget a single second of his time with Dean without them, and he will long since have given up trying to convince anyone that the Winchester Gospels were rewritten after Chuck's death.
***
In the year 450 AD, on the day the world celebrates Dean's victory over Lucifer, Castiel will sit alone in the backseat of the Impala and bury his face in his hands until the security system in the museum notices his presence and alerts the authorities.
They will not see him when they arrive, but Castiel will still be there, and the single tear that slides down his face will be just as invisible to their eyes as the rest of him. He will barely notice their presence because he will be too busy wishing for Dean's warmth again, if only for a second.
Castiel will wish and wish for years, but he will not pray once.
***
Castiel will meet a man in the year 421 AD who will complain of hardship because he cannot even afford a vehicle that flies. The community will be very sympathetic to his plight, and they will donate money to him.
Castiel will remember the hardships Dean endured and despise the man for taking his blessed life for granted. He will steal the money given to the man and, not having hungry people to distribute it to, Castiel will buy a cheeseburger for himself and simply burn the rest.
The cheeseburger will not taste as it did over four hundred years ago when Castiel last shared one with Dean, and he will throw it away.
***
In 399 AD, a widely loved pope will die. Castiel will stand among the weeping crowd, remember that the pope was a man who worshiped Zachariah in particular, and smile coldly.
***
Castiel will spend ten years in prison. Knowing that he can leave at any moment will not make him any less bitter and cold, because he will also know that it won't make a difference.
The other prisoners will learn to refrain from talking to him.
***
Castiel will burn a painting of Zachariah in 389 AD, and he will be thrown into prison.
A fellow inmate will try to intimidate Castiel, but he will throw the much larger man against the bars and accidentally kill him.
The guards will take Castiel to a more secure and secluded cell, and Castiel will almost not regret what he has done. But then he will think of Dean's disgusted glare, and he will hang his head.
***
A man will burn a painting of Dean in 340 AD, and he will be condemned by the entire community.
Castiel will stand by and watch as a group of teenagers shoot the man in the back. He will think the man got what he deserved.
***
In 333 AD, Castiel will start painting beautiful works of art depicting Dean, Sam, and an angel in a trench coat riding in the Impala, deep in conversation in a motel room, fending off hordes of demons with their backs in a circle. It will always take him the longest time to paint Dean, because he will paint every single one of the one hundred and eighty-nine freckles that were on Dean's face, and he will do it in such loving detail that it will make his hand shake.
Potential patrons will admire his work but tell him that Zachariah didn't wear a trench coat. They will ask him to fix it, but Castiel will refuse, so they will stop being potential patrons.
There will be hundreds of Castiel's paintings, but very few will ever be seen, and it will not be long before they are forgotten by all but Castiel, who will surround himself with them.
***
Between the years 170 and 230 AD, Castiel will try to publish an essay on Zachariah's plan to raise the Devil and the passionate rebellion of one small angel who loved Dean so much he chose an eternity without him over an eternity of not being wanted by him.
The editors of every single religious journal in the world will reject Castiel's paper and call it fictitious rubbish, but Castiel will keep trying.
Academics will peer down their noses at him and try to ridicule him into ground, but Castiel will stand tall under the humiliation.
The more fervently religious men and women (and there will be a lot of those) will call Castiel a blasphemer and attack him on the streets for daring to try to sully Zachariah's name. Castiel will refuse to harm them simply because they are ignorant, and he will let himself be crushed under their weight.
He will forgive all of these people because they love Dean Winchester.
He will stop forgiving them.
***
In 166 AD, Castiel will be fired from his job because his boss will notice that he has not aged at all in sixteen years and become paranoid.
Castiel's heart will not have aged, either.
***
In 150 AD, Castiel will look upon Dean's Chevrolet Impala, shining black in its elaborate museum display, and hurt. But he will take a job at the museum, because he will feel closest to Dean there.
When asked, he will say his name is Cas, and no one will suspect that he is Castiel because no one will know that Dean Winchester ever called the traitor by any other name.
Castiel will not talk to many people, and they will ignore the quiet security guard as they walk around the Impala and talk in hushed tones about Dean, Sam, and Zachariah.
***
In the year 149 AD, Castiel will descend into civilization for the first time in a hundred and forty years, determined to live as a human, and look with dull eyes upon all the marvelous things the humans built for themselves in their paradise. There will be almost nothing left of the world they once knew -- of Jimmy's world -- and in his anguish he will begin to hate Castiel.
Castiel will understand, but it won't stop him from being bitter about the loss of his one remaining friend. He will pray, as he does every second, for Dean.
***
No one will believe Castiel when he tries to tell them the story of how the war was won.
Even Amelia and Claire will look at him with horror and disgust while they beg for the return of their husband and father, and Castiel will wish fervently that he could grant their request, but his exile on Earth will not allow him to. Jimmy will understand, but it won't stop him from resenting Castiel.
Castiel will be persecuted as a traitor to the Light for forty years before he finally tires of the hatred in every pair of eyes he sees and disappears alone into what's left of the Rocky Mountains for a hundred years.
He will spend those hundred years writing about his and Dean's short time together. There were 189 million, 345 thousand, and 600 seconds, and Castiel will write about all of them.
***
Castiel will claw his way free of the earth in the year 9 AD to find that he is the only angel left on Earth. He will tell the man who rushes to help him that his name is Castiel, and the man will look upon him in horror, stab him, and run.
Castiel will find a copy of the Winchester Gospels and see that the last few books tell the story of Dean, Sam, and Zachariah, who stood together and fought the armies of Hell for five years before the Fallen Angel Castiel, who had also been Dean's friend, lured him away from his brother for a night with Jimmy's body so that Lucifer could pick off Sam.
The book will burn in the wrath of an angel before Castiel can finish reading, and he will scream to Heaven until every window within a ten mile radius shatters and every living thing quails in pain.
Heaven will not answer him, and Dean will not hear him.
***
Zachariah and Castiel will be the only two angels left on Earth in the year 7 AD. Chuck will finally finish the Winchester Gospels, and Zachariah will send his soul to rest in Heaven.
Then he will rewrite what Chuck has written, and Castiel will fight him over it. But Zachariah will remind Castiel that he isn't really better than Heaven's most terrifying weapon, despite what Dean said once, and he will leave Castiel torn and bloodied and barely alive under six miles of earth.
***
The angels will stay for one year after the apocalypse. When they return to Heaven, Castiel will ask to return with them even though he knows Zachariah will deny him.
He will be right.
Still, he will beg.
***
Dean, Sam, and Castiel will kill Lucifer in the year 5 AD. Sam will drive Dean to a rage even angels would shake before by dying at Lucifer's hand, Castiel will plant himself in the doorway and hold off all who try to enter, and Dean will deliver the final blow.
The death of the Morning Star will cause a spectacular explosion, and when the dust settles Castiel will be sitting on the floor with Dean cradled in his arms.
"This is it for me, Cas," Dean will whisper, and Castiel will understand that it has more to do with Sam than with his broken and bloodied body.
Instead of begging Dean to stay with him, he will say, "I know."
Dean will grab weakly at his sleeve and ask, "You'll be there, right? In Heaven?"
And Castiel will not have the heart to tell him that his personal Heaven will be filled with whatever and whoever he wants it to be filled with, but Castiel himself will not be allowed to return there. He will know that Dean could never be happy if he knows that the Castiel he will spend an eternity with is a fabrication, so Castiel will say, "Yes, I'll be there." It will be the only lie he ever tells him.
"Then why are you crying, Cas?" Dean will ask softly, and Castiel will suddenly understand why his face is wet.
He will not answer Dean's question, only hold Dean closer and touch his face and whisper to him, "Rest, Dean."
Dean will be too tired to fight it, and he will trust Castiel. He will close his eyes and rest, and Castiel will not plead with Tessa with more than his eyes. She will shake her head sadly and take Dean's soul away from Castiel.
Castiel will hold onto his body and try to memorize what warmth feels like until there's none left, because after that there will be none left.
***
When Zachariah refuses to risk himself in the year 4 AD, Dean will call him a despicable coward and tell him that Castiel is better than any fucking archangel.
Zachariah will bristle, and Castiel will drop his gaze to the floor.
***
In the year 3 AD, Asmodeus will pin Castiel to a ceiling by his wings and Dean's moral resolve will slip at the way Castiel tries to hold back a pained whimper. He will give the demon what he wants, and an innocent person will die.
"You shouldn't have--" Castiel will say later, but Dean will press a finger to his lips and kiss and touch him until his protests get lost in the moans.
***
"Thanks, Cas," Dean will mumble in the year 2 AD, when Castiel saves his life again. He won't even protest being carried in Castiel's arms like "some bride in a chick flick", and this will be what worries Castiel the most.
"Stay with me, Dean," he will command, but it will sound far less imperious than it should and too much like a plea.
Castiel will hold him closer to his chest, and Dean will fight harder to stay with him.
***
Dean will be hailed as the messiah in the first year of the apocalypse, and a new calendar system will designate it as the year 1 Anno Dean.
Sam and Castiel will snort at the absurd mash of Medieval Latin and 21st century English. Dean will look uncomfortable until Castiel gives him a gentle smile.
Hours will pass, and when Castiel teases him about it again, his lips will brush against the nape of Dean's neck and Dean's sated haze will allow him to see the humor in it.
***
When the apocalypse starts, the world will darken slowly and Dean, Sam, and Castiel will turn to each other for comfort.
Then Dean and Castiel will turn to each other for more comfort, of a different kind, and Castiel will muffle his cries against Dean's chest the first time. Dean will hold him tight and show him warmth.
***
Now, Castiel sees his destiny and understands that it is what he chooses it to be, because Dean nods, and the trust in his eyes is enough to break an angel.
You are worth it, Dean Winchester, Castiel thinks before he lets Dean go and sinks the blade into his own flesh.
fin.
P.S. I have been staring at this screencap (fromshea_fleur) all afternoon. D:
ibroketuesdayibroketuesday made me do it. Isn't that a mishaland tag? I may need my own, hmm.Title: This Thing Called Free Will
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2,400
Spoilers: 4x22 - Lucifer Rising
Notes: This was originally sort of meant to be a sequel to Where All Paths Lead, but the details of it don't quite fit with that fic and that fic doesn't quite fit with canon anymore, so this is a standalone, I guess. A very strange, very angsty one. I dunno, I dunno, please do tell me if it doesn't work. :| Also, I don't really think Zachariah is an archangel, but Misha thinks so, and it worked for this fic, so.
♥♥♥: You can also listen to this fic as a podfic, read by
katrinaswift. :DSummary: Time is fluid, and Castiel can see how it will go because he can bend it on occasion.
In the year 2009 Anno Dean, Castiel will have existed for 63 billion, 241 million, 430 thousand, and 400 seconds on Earth without Dean. He will be cold and alone, and he will ache for his Dean.
It will not end.
***
In the year 1005 AD, Castiel will become too tired. He will beg the reaper who once called herself Tessa to take him. She will shake her head sadly and repeat what Uriel said to him, over a thousand years ago: "Only an angel can kill another angel, Castiel."
But Lucifer will be long dead, and the only being capable of threatening Earth and bringing back the angels will be Castiel himself. He will be tempted, but even his hatred and scorn for the humans will not push him to harm them, because Dean told Castiel they mattered, Dean loved them, and Dean died for them.
Castiel will sit in the Impala and begin to despair. But he will let them burn icons of him, and eventually, he will let them stop believing in his kind.
***
In 666 AD, Jimmy will finally forget who he is. He will forget that he did this for his daughter, and he will forget everything except for his pain and his hatred for the angel who will never stop causing him that pain.
Castiel will say nothing whenever Jimmy lashes out at him, because he will know he deserves the blame. It will occur to Castiel that Jimmy's victimization is the only truth contained in the Winchester Gospels concerning himself, and he will laugh bitterly and begin to hate Jimmy despite himself. He will not be able to help it, because Jimmy's anger will seep into his own.
***
The manuscripts that Castiel wrote himself detailing the events of the War on the Morning Star will get lost in a fire in 505 AD, and Castiel will not bother saving them. He will not forget a single second of his time with Dean without them, and he will long since have given up trying to convince anyone that the Winchester Gospels were rewritten after Chuck's death.
***
In the year 450 AD, on the day the world celebrates Dean's victory over Lucifer, Castiel will sit alone in the backseat of the Impala and bury his face in his hands until the security system in the museum notices his presence and alerts the authorities.
They will not see him when they arrive, but Castiel will still be there, and the single tear that slides down his face will be just as invisible to their eyes as the rest of him. He will barely notice their presence because he will be too busy wishing for Dean's warmth again, if only for a second.
Castiel will wish and wish for years, but he will not pray once.
***
Castiel will meet a man in the year 421 AD who will complain of hardship because he cannot even afford a vehicle that flies. The community will be very sympathetic to his plight, and they will donate money to him.
Castiel will remember the hardships Dean endured and despise the man for taking his blessed life for granted. He will steal the money given to the man and, not having hungry people to distribute it to, Castiel will buy a cheeseburger for himself and simply burn the rest.
The cheeseburger will not taste as it did over four hundred years ago when Castiel last shared one with Dean, and he will throw it away.
***
In 399 AD, a widely loved pope will die. Castiel will stand among the weeping crowd, remember that the pope was a man who worshiped Zachariah in particular, and smile coldly.
***
Castiel will spend ten years in prison. Knowing that he can leave at any moment will not make him any less bitter and cold, because he will also know that it won't make a difference.
The other prisoners will learn to refrain from talking to him.
***
Castiel will burn a painting of Zachariah in 389 AD, and he will be thrown into prison.
A fellow inmate will try to intimidate Castiel, but he will throw the much larger man against the bars and accidentally kill him.
The guards will take Castiel to a more secure and secluded cell, and Castiel will almost not regret what he has done. But then he will think of Dean's disgusted glare, and he will hang his head.
***
A man will burn a painting of Dean in 340 AD, and he will be condemned by the entire community.
Castiel will stand by and watch as a group of teenagers shoot the man in the back. He will think the man got what he deserved.
***
In 333 AD, Castiel will start painting beautiful works of art depicting Dean, Sam, and an angel in a trench coat riding in the Impala, deep in conversation in a motel room, fending off hordes of demons with their backs in a circle. It will always take him the longest time to paint Dean, because he will paint every single one of the one hundred and eighty-nine freckles that were on Dean's face, and he will do it in such loving detail that it will make his hand shake.
Potential patrons will admire his work but tell him that Zachariah didn't wear a trench coat. They will ask him to fix it, but Castiel will refuse, so they will stop being potential patrons.
There will be hundreds of Castiel's paintings, but very few will ever be seen, and it will not be long before they are forgotten by all but Castiel, who will surround himself with them.
***
Between the years 170 and 230 AD, Castiel will try to publish an essay on Zachariah's plan to raise the Devil and the passionate rebellion of one small angel who loved Dean so much he chose an eternity without him over an eternity of not being wanted by him.
The editors of every single religious journal in the world will reject Castiel's paper and call it fictitious rubbish, but Castiel will keep trying.
Academics will peer down their noses at him and try to ridicule him into ground, but Castiel will stand tall under the humiliation.
The more fervently religious men and women (and there will be a lot of those) will call Castiel a blasphemer and attack him on the streets for daring to try to sully Zachariah's name. Castiel will refuse to harm them simply because they are ignorant, and he will let himself be crushed under their weight.
He will forgive all of these people because they love Dean Winchester.
He will stop forgiving them.
***
In 166 AD, Castiel will be fired from his job because his boss will notice that he has not aged at all in sixteen years and become paranoid.
Castiel's heart will not have aged, either.
***
In 150 AD, Castiel will look upon Dean's Chevrolet Impala, shining black in its elaborate museum display, and hurt. But he will take a job at the museum, because he will feel closest to Dean there.
When asked, he will say his name is Cas, and no one will suspect that he is Castiel because no one will know that Dean Winchester ever called the traitor by any other name.
Castiel will not talk to many people, and they will ignore the quiet security guard as they walk around the Impala and talk in hushed tones about Dean, Sam, and Zachariah.
***
In the year 149 AD, Castiel will descend into civilization for the first time in a hundred and forty years, determined to live as a human, and look with dull eyes upon all the marvelous things the humans built for themselves in their paradise. There will be almost nothing left of the world they once knew -- of Jimmy's world -- and in his anguish he will begin to hate Castiel.
Castiel will understand, but it won't stop him from being bitter about the loss of his one remaining friend. He will pray, as he does every second, for Dean.
***
No one will believe Castiel when he tries to tell them the story of how the war was won.
Even Amelia and Claire will look at him with horror and disgust while they beg for the return of their husband and father, and Castiel will wish fervently that he could grant their request, but his exile on Earth will not allow him to. Jimmy will understand, but it won't stop him from resenting Castiel.
Castiel will be persecuted as a traitor to the Light for forty years before he finally tires of the hatred in every pair of eyes he sees and disappears alone into what's left of the Rocky Mountains for a hundred years.
He will spend those hundred years writing about his and Dean's short time together. There were 189 million, 345 thousand, and 600 seconds, and Castiel will write about all of them.
***
Castiel will claw his way free of the earth in the year 9 AD to find that he is the only angel left on Earth. He will tell the man who rushes to help him that his name is Castiel, and the man will look upon him in horror, stab him, and run.
Castiel will find a copy of the Winchester Gospels and see that the last few books tell the story of Dean, Sam, and Zachariah, who stood together and fought the armies of Hell for five years before the Fallen Angel Castiel, who had also been Dean's friend, lured him away from his brother for a night with Jimmy's body so that Lucifer could pick off Sam.
The book will burn in the wrath of an angel before Castiel can finish reading, and he will scream to Heaven until every window within a ten mile radius shatters and every living thing quails in pain.
Heaven will not answer him, and Dean will not hear him.
***
Zachariah and Castiel will be the only two angels left on Earth in the year 7 AD. Chuck will finally finish the Winchester Gospels, and Zachariah will send his soul to rest in Heaven.
Then he will rewrite what Chuck has written, and Castiel will fight him over it. But Zachariah will remind Castiel that he isn't really better than Heaven's most terrifying weapon, despite what Dean said once, and he will leave Castiel torn and bloodied and barely alive under six miles of earth.
***
The angels will stay for one year after the apocalypse. When they return to Heaven, Castiel will ask to return with them even though he knows Zachariah will deny him.
He will be right.
Still, he will beg.
***
Dean, Sam, and Castiel will kill Lucifer in the year 5 AD. Sam will drive Dean to a rage even angels would shake before by dying at Lucifer's hand, Castiel will plant himself in the doorway and hold off all who try to enter, and Dean will deliver the final blow.
The death of the Morning Star will cause a spectacular explosion, and when the dust settles Castiel will be sitting on the floor with Dean cradled in his arms.
"This is it for me, Cas," Dean will whisper, and Castiel will understand that it has more to do with Sam than with his broken and bloodied body.
Instead of begging Dean to stay with him, he will say, "I know."
Dean will grab weakly at his sleeve and ask, "You'll be there, right? In Heaven?"
And Castiel will not have the heart to tell him that his personal Heaven will be filled with whatever and whoever he wants it to be filled with, but Castiel himself will not be allowed to return there. He will know that Dean could never be happy if he knows that the Castiel he will spend an eternity with is a fabrication, so Castiel will say, "Yes, I'll be there." It will be the only lie he ever tells him.
"Then why are you crying, Cas?" Dean will ask softly, and Castiel will suddenly understand why his face is wet.
He will not answer Dean's question, only hold Dean closer and touch his face and whisper to him, "Rest, Dean."
Dean will be too tired to fight it, and he will trust Castiel. He will close his eyes and rest, and Castiel will not plead with Tessa with more than his eyes. She will shake her head sadly and take Dean's soul away from Castiel.
Castiel will hold onto his body and try to memorize what warmth feels like until there's none left, because after that there will be none left.
***
When Zachariah refuses to risk himself in the year 4 AD, Dean will call him a despicable coward and tell him that Castiel is better than any fucking archangel.
Zachariah will bristle, and Castiel will drop his gaze to the floor.
***
In the year 3 AD, Asmodeus will pin Castiel to a ceiling by his wings and Dean's moral resolve will slip at the way Castiel tries to hold back a pained whimper. He will give the demon what he wants, and an innocent person will die.
"You shouldn't have--" Castiel will say later, but Dean will press a finger to his lips and kiss and touch him until his protests get lost in the moans.
***
"Thanks, Cas," Dean will mumble in the year 2 AD, when Castiel saves his life again. He won't even protest being carried in Castiel's arms like "some bride in a chick flick", and this will be what worries Castiel the most.
"Stay with me, Dean," he will command, but it will sound far less imperious than it should and too much like a plea.
Castiel will hold him closer to his chest, and Dean will fight harder to stay with him.
***
Dean will be hailed as the messiah in the first year of the apocalypse, and a new calendar system will designate it as the year 1 Anno Dean.
Sam and Castiel will snort at the absurd mash of Medieval Latin and 21st century English. Dean will look uncomfortable until Castiel gives him a gentle smile.
Hours will pass, and when Castiel teases him about it again, his lips will brush against the nape of Dean's neck and Dean's sated haze will allow him to see the humor in it.
***
When the apocalypse starts, the world will darken slowly and Dean, Sam, and Castiel will turn to each other for comfort.
Then Dean and Castiel will turn to each other for more comfort, of a different kind, and Castiel will muffle his cries against Dean's chest the first time. Dean will hold him tight and show him warmth.
***
Now, Castiel sees his destiny and understands that it is what he chooses it to be, because Dean nods, and the trust in his eyes is enough to break an angel.
You are worth it, Dean Winchester, Castiel thinks before he lets Dean go and sinks the blade into his own flesh.
fin.
P.S. I have been staring at this screencap (from
shea_fleur) all afternoon. D:
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:23 pm (UTC)But oh god, that first line? This is going to break me, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:31 pm (UTC)That was the saddest thing I've ever read in my fucking life. But it was glorious.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:35 pm (UTC)*hugs some more*
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:34 pm (UTC)Gorgeous. Heartbreaking, and the unfairness of what happened to Castiel has me shaking, but it's gorgeous.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:48 pm (UTC)Thank you so much, though, and I'm incredibly relieved it worked!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:13 pm (UTC)I'm just very relieved it worked, man I was worried about that. Thank you so much!
Heh, considering the beginning is really the end (but not for Cas, wah), I'm glad that was appropriately angsty! XD
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:56 pm (UTC)Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:58 pm (UTC)Depressing but mindfuckingly awesome. *bows down to you*
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 10:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:02 pm (UTC)YOU SIR ARE A WINNAR. YES. YES YOU ARE.
PS: you have inspired to keep working on my latest spn fic :D :D
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:22 pm (UTC)And how proud am I to be an inspiration to you? So proud. *g* What's your fic about, anyway?
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:04 pm (UTC)I loved how you wrote this backwards. At first, I was kinda screwed up, but then it all clicked and it absolutely worked.
The story you told was beautiful and so dark, but fitting in the Spn world.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:14 pm (UTC)This was beautifully written, not just with your way with words but in the format and how well paced it was. I had to reread it again just to make it flow more fluidity once I figured out how you managed to write it, and once I did my heart broke all over again. The opening part is what got to me, how after everything was taken away from him and how he'll be alone and cold and distant and still aching for Dean. Just, omg pull on my heartstrings why don'tcha.
Still, utterly beautiful, a unique way of writing the story even if it hurts. Kudos to you, m'dear.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-24 11:26 pm (UTC)As I'm sure you can guess I was most unsure about the backwards thing, but I'm glad it doesn't seem to take that long for people to work it out! Uhm, but should I state that somewhere, do you think, in the header? Just so people won't have to reread the beginning? -.-
*pulls your heartstrings* XD But seriously, it means a ton to me that I can, thank you so much, bb! ♥
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Date: 2009-06-24 11:16 pm (UTC)Castiel will find a copy of the Winchester Gospels and see that the last few books tell the story of Dean, Sam, and Zachariah, who stood together and fought the armies of Hell for five years before the Fallen Angel Castiel, who had also been Dean's friend, lured him away from Sam for a night with Jimmy's body so that Lucifer could pick off Sam.
Ouchest ow! Zach using Castiel's love for Dean against him. An angsty story in the middle of an angsty story, could it get any better? Great story, thank you!
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Date: 2009-06-24 11:28 pm (UTC)Anyway, thank you for pointing out bits you liked, yay! I'm so, so pleased you enjoyed this. ♥
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Date: 2009-06-24 11:34 pm (UTC)And then he's just so alone. Dean is gone, heaven ignores him, Zachariah hates him, the people think he is a liar and a traitor and don't remember him. And all he has is the memories of Dean that just don't end.
In conclusion this was made of win and totally broke me. Awesome job.
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Date: 2009-06-25 05:43 pm (UTC)You know, I couldn't figure out if Castiel should really lie to Dean about Heaven since he knows Dean hates the whole Stepford thing so much, but I don't think there's anything Dean could have done about it anyway, unlike on earth, and Castiel couldn't stand the thought of him fuming/paranoid for an eternity, so.. Sigh, Cas.
Your summary of all the terrible things that happen to Castiel is really pretty bleak, hahahha damn, I am kind of mean, huh?
Anyway, anyway, I'm glad this worked for you, and thanks again!
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Date: 2009-06-24 11:34 pm (UTC)Secretly, I love the suffering. Because this was absolutely, heartbreakingly, irrevocably, awesomely gorgeous. Very interesting concept, and the way you executed it was just great.
Also it was so saaaaaad, and I loved the inclusion of Jimmy. Especially how his appearance kind of put into perspective Cas' gradual degradation into some bitter, angry creature he wasn't before. Lovely lovely work, bb. I have to go read something happy now so I'm not all emo for the rest of the day. D:
The tragedy and unfairness of what happens to Cas is just, guh, it hits below the belt. Really, this was fantastic. Applause!!
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Date: 2009-06-25 05:45 pm (UTC)But I'm glad you love the suffering, because so do I! And I'm extra, extra glad you think the execution worked, thank you so much!
It probably sucks to be Jimmy even more, at least Castiel isn't in any sort of physical pain. D: Poor boys.
Anyway, thanks again, yay! ♥
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Date: 2009-06-25 05:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-25 12:37 am (UTC)The whole time aspect was brilliant (Anno Dean - makes sense, doesn't it?). And Jimmy and Castiel, slowly starting to despise each other and the world - beautiful although it hurts.
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Date: 2009-06-25 05:46 pm (UTC)I'm really very happy you liked the time thing, and the Jimmy thing, thank you so much!
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Date: 2009-06-25 12:40 am (UTC)ZACHARIAH, OMG, HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE. *STABS WITH A MILLION BILLION GAJILLION SPORKS OF DOOM* DDD:
God, this was so good, I'm going to have to reread it, but backwards this time. =D
I can't even say how sad I am that Dean's up in Heaven with a fake Cas. a;sldkfjalsdkfj Seriously. Seriously. That is just so wrong. D:
And poor Jimmy too!
ASKdfja;lsdjf YOU MAKE ME CRY EACH TIME YOU POST A FIC. ;____;
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Date: 2009-06-25 05:49 pm (UTC)Hahha actually I wrote it backwards, which was surprisingly annoying, lol.
Yes, I'm not sure I like the idea of Dean spending an eternity in some sort of Stepford situation which he hated so much, but then again, there's nothing he could've done about it anyway, unlike on earth, so best not to know, right?
SORRY, if it makes you feel any better I've gotten the angst out of my system for awhile so whatever I write next shouldn't be as angsty. Then again, that's what I said after the last fic, too. *cough*
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Date: 2009-06-25 12:52 am (UTC)I.
This is amazing. I think perhaps this part is the one that spoke to me most:
In 333 AD, Castiel will start painting beautiful works of art depicting Dean, Sam, and an angel in a trench coat riding in the Impala, deep in conversation in a motel room, fending off hordes of demons with their backs in a circle. It will always take him the longest time to paint Dean, because he will do it in such loving detail that it will make his hand shake.
Potential patrons will admire his work but tell him that Zachariah didn't wear a trench coat. They will ask him to fix it, but Castiel will refuse, so they will stop being potential patrons.
"Zachariah didn't wear a trench coat".That must've...I can't even imagine how much that must've hurt, out of all things. ::hugs Cas::
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Date: 2009-06-25 05:52 pm (UTC)Anyway, thank you so much for the feedback! ♥
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Date: 2009-06-25 12:57 am (UTC)you write really well, I can't find words.
i want to hug Cas ;__;
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Date: 2009-06-25 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-25 01:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-25 06:01 pm (UTC)I felt that sort of heart-wrenching horror and sick feeling you get when something terrible is happening that you can't stop.
This is probably exactly why angels aren't supposed to have emotions and fall in love and such. Look what happens to them. D:
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Date: 2009-06-25 02:11 am (UTC)This was absolutely, stunningly amazing. I literally feel like I had a knife plunged in my gut, it hurt so bad.
There are so many things I loved here, and most of them have been quoted in the comments above, but I want to say that I love how Cas completely hates humanity, yet refuses to harm it in anyway for Dean's sake.
And, God, when he lies about being in Heaven... again, FOR DEAN. And it's just so Cas, to sacrifice himself like that.
And I HATE fucking Zachariah here, and I hate the stupid people that scowled at Cas and pinned him as the Fallen one.
Just... fuck. This whole thing is amazing, and you did a fantastic job. Congratulations, and thank you SO much for sharing!
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Date: 2009-06-26 06:25 pm (UTC)I really wanted to play with the idea that even after thousands of years, Castiel will still be very much Dean's, so it makes me all glowy that you pointed out the refusing to harm humanity for Dean's sake thing! And, god yes, Castiel is all about sacrificing himself for Dean, isn't he? Poor, stupid, fucking angel. D:
Thank you so much for this review and for saying such amazing things to me! ♥
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Date: 2009-06-25 02:17 am (UTC)"Between the years 170 and 230 AD, Castiel will try to publish an essay on Zachariah's plan to raise the Devil and the passionate rebellion of one small angel who loved Dean so much he chose an eternity without him over an eternity of not being wanted by him."
I got a little teary during Dean's death scene, at the idea of him having a "fake" Cas and Castiel not wanting Dean to know it would be a fake Cas, and Dean asking Cas why he's crying. Ouch. Man, I love to hate Zachariah.
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Date: 2009-06-26 06:27 pm (UTC)Terrifying, isn't it, how much love an angel is capable of?
Hahha the Cas-writing-essays idea is what spawned this whole fic, actually, so I'm glad you liked that!
Thank you so much for the feedback, and for feeling this fic so much! ♥
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Date: 2009-06-25 02:28 am (UTC)He chose! Even knowing what would likely happen, all that heartbreak and pain--and HE CHOSE! OH CAS!!! *heart shatters into dust*
Re-reading for the 3rd time in 20 minutes. *is feeling so very cold*
I feel like I just watched 9/11 and the towers coming down right in front of me and a massive 100-car pileup and a jetliner crashing after a mid-air collision with no survivors all at the same time. Fuck. This is depressing. Fuck! Awesome, yes, and beautiful in its terrible simplicity of language and details; but I'm needing to go rage against the heavens now. Especially Zachariah. Must kill that mofo so dead there'll be nothing left of him. *can't stop trembling*
Going to invent new and exquisitely horrible ways for the (*&*&^&^%&% to die. If Dean thought the Christian hells were bad, he's never heard of the Buddhist and Taoist ones, has he? Christian hell is a pussycat compared to those. I'd LOVE to dump Zachariah into one at the moment. Maybe the 'tongue-plucking hell' where the sinner's tongue gets plucked out with red-hot iron tongs over and over. It's fitting since the (*&(*^ is a lying snake and perverts any truth he has. Or better yet, perhaps I should write a fic where Zachariah gets what's coming to him--how about erasing him entirely from the Book of Life so that it shall be as though he never existed?
Sorry for venting all that--it's either get very mad or get very sad, and I've had enough of being sad these days. I'm getting nasty recurrences of my gastric problems from all the angst I've been reading, and there've been a lot of those. Yours just started another one. Need to go find my meds...
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Date: 2009-06-26 06:31 pm (UTC)Damn, it makes me all sorts of blushy that you would reread this so many times, omg. Thank you! :"> And I can't believe you compared this too all of those terrible things, wow, that IS depressing.
You should totally write fic where Zachariah gets what's coming to him, hahha. Especially if he gets it from Dean, somehow, who's all enraged over the wrongs done to his Cas. Oh man, I do love me some protective!Dean. *_*
No need to apologize for the venting, I'm just impressed something I wrote could get you worked up so much! Thanks again, and I hope you're okay health-wise! Meep, sorry!
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Date: 2009-06-25 03:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-26 06:32 pm (UTC)Poor Castiel, indeed. :( But thank you so much for reading and reviewing! ♥
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Date: 2009-06-25 03:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-26 06:33 pm (UTC)