tracy_loo_who | Fic: The Unraveling (Dean/Castiel, gen)

Jesus fuck, last night's episode messed me up. It messed my Big Bang fic up, too, so I, uhm, officially drop out of that. There's just no point, because I'm so obsessive about canon that I'd have to rewrite the entire thing after the finale anyway. So this is what I spent the past few hours doing instead, episode reaction part 2.

Title: The Unraveling
Pairing: Dean/Castiel, gen
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2,600
Spoilers: 4x20 - The Rapture
Notes: This is sort of a sequel to The Forty-First Year, but you don't have to have read that first because this isn't about that at all (all you need to know is that it was about Dean and Castiel in Hell, and Castiel mending Dean through his faith in him, that was the gist of it). Actually I never quite intended to write a sequel, or at least not one like this, but it seemed to fit. This is really about last night's episode, so consider it an (impromptu and un-proofread) episode reaction.
Summary: All the tables are turned, now.

Castiel tries not to look at Dean anymore. He thinks all that looking he did is what made him lose his way in the first place. His self. But Castiel still remembers everything, of course. He remembers pain and hope and love, even though he doesn't remember what they feel like, and he remembers that watching Dean eat pie and drink beer and wash his car and grin at Sam made him want to be a part of that. He remembers wanting, and that makes him shudder, but not as much as when he remembers that the color of faith is green. It's the green of the earth and the leaves and the grass, but mostly, it's the green of Dean's eyes.

And Castiel is drawn to it, even now, just a little. It's the first time he's seen Dean in months, and the brightness of that green in the midst of all the darkness around them catches him off guard and almost takes his breath away because it's exactly as he remembers it. You kissed me the first time I saw that green, Castiel thinks, but then he remembers everything else, too, remembers his lesson, and so he remembers not to look.

He tears his eyes away and picks himself off the floor, and it's strange, how familiar this body is. It's even sort of comforting, because here there is no pain, and Castiel is glad to be back. He just has to keep one thing in mind, and he will be able to stay, this time: I serve Heaven.

It's not as easy as it should be, though, because for all that it's just three little words, Castiel has to struggle to hold onto them when the word Cas threatens to wash them away. He stops, and pauses, and closes his eyes and thinks, please, before he turns to look at Dean. He can't answer Dean's question, can't tell him what he'd wanted to tell him before, because if he does then he might be lost all over again. So he says, "I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven, I don't serve Man. And I certainly don't serve you." If it comes out sounding harsher than he intended, well, that's better than letting his voice waver.

Then he turns away again because now that he's done reciting his mantra at Dean, all he can do is look, and he can't. So Castiel walks away and closes his eyes and wishes that closing his eyes would stop him from seeing faith.

He wishes he knew the color of God's eyes.

***

It's easier to be around Dean when Zachariah's there, too. Castiel is constantly aware of his superior's presence, and thus constantly reminded of those months in Heaven. It even gets easier to look at Dean, when he has to, because there is always Heaven's work to do, and Castiel was made to do it.

So he doesn't dwell on the way Dean's eyes will sometimes land on himself in a silent, hurt plea when Dean thinks he isn't looking, and he doesn't give himself time to wonder if he can take away even a little bit of that hurt.

I don't care, Castiel thinks.

***

When Dean starts praying for help with Lilith, Castiel helps him because it's in Heaven's best interests to be rid of her.

When Dean starts praying for help with Sam, Castiel helps him because it's in Heaven's best interests to have Sam on their side.

When Dean starts praying for direction, Castiel hesitates first but then gives him some because it's in Heaven's best interests to guide Dean to his destiny.

When Dean starts praying for Castiel, Castiel does nothing.

***

"You told me once that prayer was a sign of faith," Dean says, and Castiel is three states away but he hears every word. "Well, I think I've finally got it now, so I'm prayin', and I've been prayin', but you won't answer. What does that mean, Cas?"

It means I have more important things to do than keep you company, Castiel thinks, and turns back to his task. As long as he doesn't answer, Dean will give up.

***

Dean doesn't give up.

"Maybe you're trying to test my faith," he says the next day. "Is that it? What do you want from me?"

And Castiel thinks, I just want you to fulfill your destiny.

***

"Are you still out there, Cas?" Dean asks.

Castiel ignores him, as always, and Dean is quiet for so long that Castiel thinks he's gone on with whatever he usually does when Castiel ignores him (Castiel never checks in on him to see what that is). It's always a relief, when that happens.

But then Dean says, "I'm sorry I got you in trouble," and Castiel casts his eyes toward Heaven.

***

"You sons of bitches," Dean swears, and Castiel knows why he is so angry. "How the fuck could you do that? They were innocent people! They didn't have to die, you know they didn't, I would've made it there in time if you'd only given me five more friggin' minutes!" He stops, and Castiel can hear his heavy breaths. "Screw you, Cas, I should never have expected you to care. Screw all of you. I'm done."

Castiel sighs, but he doesn't think he feels remorse, because he serves Heaven.

***

He doesn't hear from Dean again for several weeks. It is a blessing, but sometimes, sometimes Castiel wonders how Dean is doing. Then he catches himself wondering, narrows his eyes, and returns his attention to his work.

Castiel is good at what he does, he thinks. But he's never quite satisfied, so he works harder.

***

"I wish I knew what they did to you, Cas," Dean whispers one night, and Castiel closes his eyes and wishes he didn't wish the same thing. That terrifies him.

He also wishes Dean would stop praying, and wonders why he won't.

***

One day, Dean breaks. He yells and throws things and punches other things and it lasts for so long. Then when he tires himself out he starts pleading to Castiel, and that is even worse. Castiel listens to him talk about Sam and not being able to sleep and not even being able to kill himself to end it all because Hell would only have him again, and he remembers what Hell did to Dean. He listens for an hour before he realizes Dean isn't going to stop. It's too distracting, he tells himself, so he makes a decision.

Dean looks terrible. He's slumped on the floor with his back against the bed frame and an empty bottle in his hand when Castiel appears beside him. It's the first they've seen of each other in over a month, and Dean's eyes widen. They're red-rimmed and bloodshot but still so green, and Dean opens his mouth to say, "Cas," but Castiel hastily presses two fingers to his forehead before he can. Dean slumps forward, and Castiel hesitates before he gently pries Dean's fingers from the bottle and lifts him from the floor. It reminds him of the time he lifted Dean from Hell.

"Sleep, Dean," he says as he settles Dean into the bed. It's oddly satisfying in a way that doing Heaven's work isn't, and Castiel flees.

***

"Thank you," Dean says the next day, when he wakes up.

Castiel sighs and reminds himself, I serve Heaven.

***

"I know you're not a heartless son of a bitch, Cas. I know you're not. You sat on a park bench once and almost chuckled at something I said and then you told me about how you'd prayed that I would choose to save the town, remember?"

Castiel does remember. And he wishes Dean would stop there, but he doesn't.

"And then you told me that you weren't a hammer and that you had doubts--" Castiel grits his teeth at this. "--and that you didn't know what was right and what was wrong. Well, this is wrong, Cas. I don't know what they did to you up there in Heaven, but somehow I don't think it could've been better than what they did to me in Hell, and that makes them wrong."

Suddenly Castiel is angry, and he finds Dean in his car, parked by a lake. "You blaspheme," he says dangerously.

Dean turns to him, surprised, and says, "Cas."

"My name is Castiel," Castiel says, because Cas was someone foolish, someone who'd lost sight of himself and his purpose and who'd deserved the punishment he'd gotten for it. He isn't Cas.

"You answered my prayer the other night--"

"To make you stop, Dean," Castiel cuts in. "You should pray to God, not me. I am not here to perch on your shoulder."

"Nor is God," Dean replies. He looks away from Castiel and out the window. "I don't have faith in God, you know. Hell, I still don't even know if he exists. Never met the guy, and if this is how he runs things, I don't care to. I've met you, though." And here he glances sideways at Castiel, who can't stop himself from looking back. "And you cared. You sat at my bedside all night and you were there for me when I needed you most. Then you got in trouble for it and now you're scared, I get that, and I'm sorry that it was because of me -- you have no idea how sorry I am -- but see, here's the thing, Cas.." He pauses and his eyes dart up to Castiel's, but Castiel doesn't argue with the nickname. "That was you. This isn't you."

Castiel does argue with this. "You're wrong, Dean," he says, and both he and his voice are suddenly cold. "This is me. I may have been foolish enough to care before, but Heaven has erased that and remade me. You know nothing."

"Then tell me," Dean insists, eyes boring into Castiel's now, so intensely green that Castiel can't look away. "What does that mean, they 'remade' you? Tell me, Cas."

There's this part of Castiel that has always wanted Dean to know, wanted Dean to understand, and Castiel has always quashed it, but suddenly he can't, anymore. "They carved out my Grace," he says, and it's practically a hiss because not even all of the things Dean did to him could be compared with this. "But only half of it at a time, always a half, over and over again until there was almost none of it left, and then they cut that in half, too, a thousand more times. They purified every half, flayed it and scrubbed it and burned it clean before they put it all back and I felt--" Castiel stops abruptly, and he's breathing heavily, and Dean's eyes are impossibly wide.

"And you felt every piece of it," Dean finishes for him, and when Castiel can't deny it, Dean blinks quickly and looks away. "I've been cut into thousands of pieces before," he says slowly, "but tongues and fingers don't hurt after they're cut off.. Jesus, Cas. I'm sorry, I had no idea, I--" he stops, and suddenly looks like he's having trouble breathing. Then his eyes meet Castiel's, and they look terrified. "I didn't make it in time. God, Cas, you helped me with Lilith and then when you needed me I didn't--"

"Stop, Dean," Castiel says harshly. "I told you this so you could disabuse yourself of whatever disillusions you have of me still being your... your friend," he nearly sneers, and the word is so foreign to him, but he realizes this is exactly what Cas had wanted. "Your guilt is unwarranted. There was nothing you could have done to help."

"Then what did you need to tell me that was so important you waited there until they got you?" Dean asks desperately, and he's practically yelling now.

Castiel shakes his head. He shouldn't be here, he's already said too much, so all he replies with is, "Stop praying to me, Dean," before he leaves Dean alone in his car by the lake.

He doesn't stop until he's on the other side of the world, but he still hears Dean say, "No."

***

Dean doesn't stop. He prays to Castiel every day, and Castiel prays himself, to God. He prays to God for it to stop, for him to not be able to hear Dean's prayers. But just as Castiel won't answer Dean's, God won't answer Castiel's. Dean is his charge, and Castiel will always hear him.

Dean may not remember it, but he is good at making Castiel fall apart. Castiel begins to despair and tries to remember, I serve Heaven.

***

"You said it was half every time, but no matter how many thousands of halves they took, there was always a tiny bit left, right? I guess they couldn't take the last speck of it because then you'd fall, or something. But that's just it, isn't it, Cas? You said they remade you, but that last, tiny speck of you is still in there, somewhere, and I swear to God I'll find it. I'll find you."

And that sounds so familiar that Castiel asks, desperately, "Why won't you leave me alone?" almost before he lands in front of Dean. They're in someone's basement this time, and the floor is decorated in the blood of dead demons.

"Because I have faith in you, Cas," Dean replies, somehow quiet and fierce all at once, and the fact that he doesn't remember all the times Castiel said that very same thing to him is what breaks the angel. "You taught me that." And there it is in his eyes, that faith has been there the entire time, Castiel knows, and he finally, finally lets himself see it. He looks and looks and lets it wash through him until he can't anymore, until it's too much and he sinks to the bloody floor and leans back against the wall and stares up at nothing.

"What do you want from me, Dean?" he whispers, feeling small and lost and tired of fighting this.

Dean slides to the floor beside him and they sit like that for awhile, as Castiel collects himself. Their shoulders don't quite touch, but he finds Dean's solid presence a comfort. "It's not that I want you to care about me, Cas," Dean says eventually, "or even Sam. But if you're going to fight to save this world, shouldn't you at least care about something in it? Because otherwise, why fight at all? And don't tell me it's because of your orders, that's bullshit, that's why you guys are losing, Cas. The orders may come from Heaven, and that's who you serve, fine, but you're fighting to save Man, and how can you angels possibly win this war if none of you care?"

Castiel doesn't know the answer to that question. There isn't one, he realizes. So instead he says, "You've been thinking about this."

That draws a short laugh from Dean. "Yeah, Cas, I've been friggin' thinking about this. I can't fix Sam, hell, I can't even find him, and I can't save the world by killing one demon at a time, much as I'm trying--" He gestures vaguely at the dead ones around them. "--And I can't even stop, because it never ends, not for me, so the only thing I can do is try to fix you."

Castiel turns his head to look at Dean, and Dean looks back, and Castiel thinks, This is why I had faith in you. He smiles ruefully. "I was going to tell you that I was going into hiding for awhile, and that I wouldn't be able to answer if you prayed," he says, at last. "I was going to tell you to have faith."

fin.

P.S. This is the first thing I've written for this pairing that doesn't involve porn. Someone please tell me how I'm supposed to write Dean/Cas porn in the future with Jimmy constantly looming. D: