tracy_loo_who | help_haiti Fic #1: The Curious Case of Wee Baby Cas Things (Dea

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, I just want everyone to be my Valentine. ♥!

Title: The Curious Case of Wee Baby Cas Things
Pairing: Dean/Castiel, Sam, Lucifer; gen but with slashy undertones
Rating: PG
Warnings: Horrible abuse of movie/TV quotes?
Word Count: ~4,600
Notes:

help_haiti fic #1, dedicated to

deanbottoms as requested by the sockpuppet who won my auction. You guys are some of the best friends a girl could have, and I not-so-secretly admire all of you. ♥ The request was "something cracky" so this is, you know, something cracky. Utterly and ridiculously cracky, I don't even know. Thanks to

vichan for the hand-holding and to

ibroketuesday for EVERYTHING EVER.
♥♥♥:

ibroketuesday MADE ME SOME MANIPS, eeee. wee baby Cas bunny, wee baby Cas ducks, and wee baby Casdillo. Also,

englilshmajor,

hereare_mysins, and

alexwhitewell DREW FANART. !!! All are linked to in the story. ♥
Summary: In which Dean and Sam get saddled with a herd of Cas-like baby animals. Meanwhile, Castiel just wants a hug.

The end of the end of the world starts with two baby elephants in the middle of the road. They're quite small, for elephants, and only come up to around waist height on Sam (Dean approximates the sizes of all large animals in units of Sammy), but even miniature elephants are large enough to block the road, especially when there is one in each lane.

Sam says, "Dude, there are baby elephants in the middle of the road."

"And you're supposed to be the smart one," Dean deadpans as he brings the Impala to a stop a few yards away from the elephants.

They both get out, but the elephants ignore Sam in favor of staring unblinkingly up at Dean as he approaches. They have stunning blue eyes, which strikes Dean as maybe strange, but then again it's not like he's ever had a pet elephant so he has no idea what color their eyes are supposed to be.

In any case, he takes out his flask of holy water and splashes one of them in the face.

The elephant looks startled for a moment and trumpets softly, a sound Dean subconsciously translates into a huff. Then it grabs the flask right out of Dean's hand with its trunk and splashes him back, right when he's got his mouth open on a protest of, "Hey!"

Sam is laughing a little ways behind him as he spits out the water and purses his lips, and even the elephant looks amused, though Dean wouldn't be able to say how he can tell since it doesn't exactly have the most expressive face. He glares at both of them (and also the other elephant just for good measure) and tries to snatch his flask back, but the baby elephant puts it in its mouth and Dean decides he doesn't need that particular flask.

"Fine, keep it, whatever," he snaps. "Just get out of the way, okay?"

Dean isn't sure why he thought the elephant would listen to him, but it doesn't move, just stares up at him, now looking more sad than amused. It reminds him, strangely, of a certain angel.

"Oh, for--" Dean takes the tip of its trunk in one hand and tugs gently. "C'mon." This time, the elephant follows willingly, and Dean leads it off the road. "Stay," he says as he lets go of its trunk, and the elephant stays. The other one also lumbers over to nudge curiously at Dean's hip.

Dean shakes his head, and then he and Sam get back into the Impala and drive off.

***

It's a whole hour before they see the baby elephants again. In the middle of the road, again. Dean knows it's the same pair because the one still has his stupid flask.

"Now they're just starting to get creepy," he mutters under his breath as he slows down.

The elephant with his flask flaps its ears at him like it's excited to see him, but quickly wilts when Dean storms out of the car and snaps loudly, "Get out of the friggin' road and quit following us!"

Both elephants duck their heads and do as he says, and Dean would almost feel bad for yelling at them if they weren't, you know, elephants.

They don't follow him again.

***

It's baby ducks next. Except, as Sam keeps insisting, they're actually baby geese.

Whatever. They look like ducks to Dean. Actually, they look like tiny balls of fluff with two legs and a beak. And, somehow unsurprisingly, blue eyes.

"I eat ducks," Dean warns as they waddle around on the table between him and Sam. He has no idea how they got there -- one moment it was just his burger, Sam's salad, and a couple of beers on the table, and the next moment it was his burger, Sam's salad, a couple of beers, and a couple of ducks.

The ducks don't seem particularly perturbed by his warning, so he tries, "I eat geese, too."

That earns him a couple of rude chirps, and Dean rolls his eyes. "You're still ducks to me."

He uses the salt shaker to pour a circle of salt around one of the ducks, and it watches him curiously until he's finished, head canted slightly to one side. Then it steps right out of the circle and takes a chunk out of the bread from his burger. The two baby ducks share the chunk of bread, and it's actually a little bit cute, despite Dean's indignation.

That's about when their waiter kicks them out for having baby geese in the diner. (Sam gives him a smug, told-you-so look.)

***

Even though Dean and Sam scooped up the baby ducks and left them outside the diner, the things are waiting on top of Dean's pillow when they get back to the motel.

Dean yells at them until they flap their wings in distress and disappear. He feels even worse than he felt when he yelled at the baby elephants. It's a bit like yelling at Castiel who always just looks like he wants a hug.

***

Still, when a pair of baby raccoons stare up at Dean from the bottom of the bathtub, he skips straight to the yelling thing.

They scramble out the window, and Dean showers as if nothing out of the ordinary happened at all.

While in the shower, he makes a mental note to call Castiel later. It's not that he thinks Castiel would be exceptional at animal control, but, well, Dean hasn't seen the guy lately. He doesn't miss Castiel, of course, except for the part where he maybe actually might, a tiny bit. Whatever, that part doesn't count. Mostly, Dean just thinks that maybe Castiel can shed some light on what the hell's going on.

***

Sam really likes the baby meerkats, to Dean's chagrin. When he gets out of the shower, Sam has two of them cupped in his palms and is actually playing with them. He might even be cooing. Dean can't be sure because Sam straightens up and tries to look serious as soon as he walks into the room, but it doesn't matter. Dean has had it.

He strides across the room to open the door, glowers at the baby meerkats, and says between gritted teeth, "Out."

Instead of scurrying out of the room like Dean expects them to, the baby meerkats burrow into the safety of Sam's enormous hands, like they're hoping they won't annoy Dean if he can't see them.

And now that the door is open, the baby elephants, ducks, and raccoons take it as an invitation to come inside. Dean gapes a little as they lumber/waddle/scramble past him as if they have nowhere else in the world to be, then lifts his head to see that they're all heading straight for--

--Castiel, who apparently doesn't need to be called because he's already standing in the middle of their room with a baby ferret perched on each of his shoulders and two baby penguins standing serenely behind him. A lump in the front of his coat wiggles briefly, and Dean doesn't even want to know what he's got in his pockets.

Being covered and surrounded by baby animals does nothing to soften Castiel's grave expression and even graver voice as he says, "Hello, Dean."

"Is this your doing?" Dean asks irritably, picking something small and warm out of his hair that turns out to be a baby koala.

"No."

Dean snorts. "Right. Because it's just a coincidence that they all look like you and can teleport themselves around to wherever they can best stare at me from. I mean, they're practically like these wee baby Cas... things."

"You think they look like me?" Castiel asks with some confusion. He turns around to look thoughtfully down at one of the baby penguins, head tilted to one side.

The baby penguin stares back up at Castiel and tilts its own head at the exact same angle.

Dean rolls his eyes. "I don't know what the hell is going on," he says as he deposits his baby koala in Castiel's hair (the other one is already there, he sees when he gets closer, and it may or may not be chewing on Castiel's hair), "but you've gotta do something. Sam and I can't exactly kill vampires when there are baby sloths hanging off of our arms or something."

A beat later, Sam says, "Funny you should mention." His voice is strained, and Dean glances over to see two baby sloths hanging off his forearm. The baby meerkats have poked their heads back out to sniff at the closer one.

"The apocalypse is upon us, Dean," Castiel chides him. "You shouldn't be hunting monsters of the week anyway."

Dean bristles. "And you would rather have us do what, play zookeeper?"

"If that is what God commands," Castiel replies solemnly. "I think these animals are a sign from Him."

"You think God sent us wee baby Cas things."

"Why else do you think one specimen of each sex would gather here?"

"One of each-- How were we supposed to know that? It's not like we looked," Dean says mutinously.

"Wait a minute," Sam interrupts them. "Are you saying this is Noah's Ark version 2.0? Like, Dean's Ark?"

Dean looks at him like he's crazy, because this is crazy, even for them. But Castiel simply nods. "I believe so. All of this has happened before, and all of it will happen again."

"I am not building a boat," Dean says flatly. He points a finger at Castiel. "And you are not watching any more of Sam's geeky TV shows."

"Hey," Sam protests. "BSG isn't--"

"Shut up, Sam."

"You don't have to build a boat," Castiel informs him. "We can use your car."

"My car?" Dean repeats incredulously. "You want to put elephants in my car?"

"Yes." It's almost as if Castiel sees nothing wrong with this image. The baby elephants don't either, if their ridiculous ear flapping is anything to go by.

"They won't fit!"

"I can make them fit, Dean. Size doesn't matter."

Dean can't help it. "That's what she said."

"She was lying," Sam chimes in.

Dean spares him a brief glare before he remembers the topic at hand. "And my baby may be amazing, but even she can't float if there's gonna be some sort of biblical flood, dude."

"I can make her float," Castiel says.

Sam smirks. "I always knew you floated Dean's boat." As if on cue, the baby ducks chirp their agreement.

If Sam didn't have very fragile-looking baby meerkats in his hands, Dean would throw something at him. As it is, he simply complains in a last-ditch effort, "Elephants must be bad for the upholstery."

Castiel sighs, and if Dean didn't know better, he would think Castiel is trying to give whatever is in his pocket a covert hug. One of the baby ferrets gives him a comforting nudge with its nose, and one of the baby koalas actually pats him on the head. (The other one is still busy chewing on his hair.) Dean wonders if he should be offended that even baby animals apparently find him insufferable.

"I would have thought you would appreciate being able to preserve your car," Castiel tells him. "You would have to leave her behind otherwise."

Dean glares at him but shuts up, and it's decided.

***

Only later does Dean realize a biblical flood means everyone's going to die.

But Castiel assures him while hugging a penguin, "God has a plan, Gaius. He has a plan for everything and everyone."

"Hi, I'm Dean," Dean says flatly. He carefully ignores the penguin-hugging thing.

Castiel and the penguin both appear unconcerned. "God still has a plan."

"A lousy one," Sam points out.

"It is not for us to judge or change," Castiel says, sounding, for a moment, stern and almost as imperious as an angel of the Lord should sound. (The almost is due to the fact that he's still hugging a freaking penguin. Dean sort of fails at ignoring it after all.) "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

Dean groans but lets this one slide. "And how much time is that?"

"Forty days."

"How do you even know it's God's plan? What if Lucifer sent us all these wee baby Cas things?"

Castiel's face falls a little, like it did at Raphael's suggestion that maybe he had Lucifer to thank for his resurrection instead of God. Even the wee baby Cas things around them start looking droopy and forlorn. Dean feels like a jackass. He knows how desperately Castiel has been searching and waiting for a sign from his Father.

A piece of lint in his pocket quivers, and Dean plucks it out to look at it. It wraps itself around his finger, so he has to point at it with another finger. "What is this?"

"A baby marmoset," Sam tells him helpfully.

"It looks like pocket lint with a face."

The pocket lint licks his finger, and Dean sighs. There's no way he's not going to try to save it if he has the chance. "Bobby is not going to be happy about having to share the backseat with pocket lint."

"Where's the other one?" Sam asks suspiciously.

A moment later, he answers his own question by jumping out of his seat with a yelp.

***

"There's an elephant in my car," Dean moans piteously.

Sam just pats him on the back and doesn't mention that there are actually two elephants in his car. Or that there are other wee baby Cas things on top of the car because they enjoy the wind in their fur. Most of all, he doesn't mention the wee baby Cas things that have lined up to press their noses against the windows that Dean just cleaned.

***

"So, do they need to eat?" Sam asks. It's time to think about the logistics of surviving biblical floods now, apparently.

To their relief, Castiel replies, "No."

"The ducks ate part of my burger," Dean points out.

"They're geese," Castiel says seriously.

Sam looks triumphant. Dean sighs.

***

The next morning, Dean wakes up to: 1) a baby armadillo sitting on his head, 2) a polar bear cub pretending to be his pillow, 3) two baby kangaroos jumping on his bed, 4) a baby hedgehog prickling his feet, and 5) the pocket lint curled up in the dip of his throat.

And it's only day two out of forty.

Dean carefully removes the armadillo from his head and stares at it. It stares back unblinkingly with its pretty blue eyes. "No puppies or kittens, eh?" he muses. "We have to get all the weird animals."

"Would you like a kitten?" Castiel asks.

Before he can object, Castiel takes the armadillo from him and passes him an armful of squirmy tiger cub that Dean suspects he was just hugging. He does it so shyly it's like a freaking Valentine's Day gift or something, so Dean doesn't have the heart to refuse it.

At least it's a manly kitten, Dean supposes.

***

The manly kitten doesn't turn out to be very useful against vampires. But it does growl a lot.

Actually, all the wee baby Cas things are quite growly when Dean, Sam, and Castiel finally confront the vampires. (Dean tried to get them to stay in the car, but they wouldn't listen.) It's a little bit like being flanked by balls of fuzz that have puffed themselves up in an effort to look more intimidating but only actually succeeded in looking cuter in their impotent anger.

Even one of the pocket lints has climbed on top of an elephant and is squeaking indignantly.

The other one is curled up and quivering in Dean's pocket, and it's the only wee baby Cas thing that seems terrified. Dean strokes the small lump soothingly with one finger before he catches Castiel giving him an odd look and pretends he's just scratching his chest.

The vampires look bemused, and Dean doesn't blame them. He does, however, take advantage of their distractedness to kill them.

***

They've amassed a sizable herd of wee baby Cas things by the end of the week. It gets them kicked out of several motels, but Dean finds that he doesn't actually mind them, not even the baby manatees in his trunk that's now filled with water. (When they get lonely, Dean fills the motel's bathtub and hangs out with them there.) The wee baby Cas things are clean, they don't get into fights, and they don't make much noise. Dean still thinks they're all a bit like Castiel, or would be if Castiel enjoyed climbing all over Dean and Sam (and himself) and hugging them and taking naps on them.

Dean has grown a bit protective, even. Every time they take on a new case and the wee baby Cas things minus Dean's pocket lint collectively puff themselves up in the face of danger, Dean worries that one of them will get hurt.

Sam makes fun of him for worrying. Castiel looks at him wistfully, like he wants Dean to worry about him too and doesn't realize Dean only likes the wee baby Cas things because they remind him of Castiel, except furrier or featherier or scalier. The pocket lint hugs Dean's thumb.

Whatever. Dean's just grateful that the wee baby Cas things are good at vanishing from harm's way and reappearing out of reach. He's even more grateful that Castiel himself is a BAMF.

***

In the days leading up to the Planetary Pool Party, as Dean has taken to calling it, he and Sam try to warn people about it. Castiel mostly just informs them of how nigh their end is.

Dean tries to teach Castiel how to have some tact, but quickly gives up because it's like trying to teach pocket lint how to be menacing. (He would know.)

No one takes them seriously anyway because Dean keeps petting his pocket comfortingly, Sam apparently thinks he's Flower the meerkat mother, and Castiel can't tell the difference between a hat and a baby koala. Plus, he can sometimes be seen hugging an actual bear.

Bobby does eventually believe them, but he hates being swarmed by small, cute things so he mostly just hangs out in the trunk with the baby manatees.

One day they're joined by a weird-looking sea creature that Dean thinks is shaped like a dick attached to a butt. Castiel is suspicious because he's never seen one before and it doesn't have a mate, so Dean and Sam want to salt and burn it. Bobby becomes strangely attached to the dickbutt and protects it from them. Dean and Sam give up the hunt very quickly because seeing Bobby cradle a giant dick is just too much for them.

Castiel eventually forgets about the dickbutt too in his anticipation for the day God has promised them; the day when Castiel will be rewarded for his faithfulness.

Dean still doesn't think it's much of a reward, getting to live while the rest of the world drowns.

"Sometimes you have to roll the hard six," Castiel tells him solemnly.

"Look, just don't talk for the rest of the day, okay?"

Castiel nods and hugs a kitten (one with smaller teeth this time). Dean sits with him in companionable silence and stuffs his face with as much food as possible before it's all washed away.

***

The day of the Planetary Pool Party arrives, and Castiel holds his breath, literally.

He ends up holding it for almost the entire bright, sunny day.

It's tense in the car, with Dean, Sam, and hundreds of wee baby Cas things all watching Castiel carefully and worrying that he might lose it if God abandons him now, after everything. Bobby ignores the tension in favor of playing with the dickbutt.

Nothing happens until well into the evening. That's when a light drizzle starts up, adding insult to injury.

Bobby snorts and gets out of the car, muttering something about wasting his time. He takes the dickbutt with him.

After Bobby drives away, Castiel finally lets out the breath he's been holding all day and gets out of the car as well. He slams the door behind him even though he doesn't even need to use the door, and Dean exchanges a worried look with Sam.

They go after him together and find him sitting on top of the motel's roof, slowly getting drenched. Sam slings an arm around his shoulders, Dean hands him a beer, and they sit on either side of him. The wee baby Cas things crowd around morosely, and Bambi comes over to lay his head in Castiel's lap. The baby koala even calls a truce with his hair.

"At least this means there will still be sandwiches in the future," Sam ventures after a while, scratching a sad, wet little meerkat behind its ear.

Castiel's lip quirks reluctantly, and Dean says, "That's it, Cas. You're seeing movies with me from now on."

"What movies would you like to see?" Castiel asks, perking up and giving him a shy glance.

"We can start with Watchmen," Dean decides.

Sam rolls his eyes. "You only like that movie because the Comedian looks like Dad."

The mention of Dean's daddy issues apparently reminds Castiel of his own. His face falls and he hugs Bambi, and Dean glares over the top of his head at Sam, who lapses into a contrite silence.

Dean can tell it's going to be a long night, so he uses one of the baby elephant's ears as an umbrella.

***

A few days later, they still haven't figured out what all the wee baby Cas things are doing here if they're not from God.

Then Lucifer visits them in their motel room.

For the very first time, the wee baby Cas things have enough sense to cower behind Dean, Sam, and Castiel instead of jumping in front of them to pretend to be menacing. The pocket lint shakes more violently than ever, and Dean doesn't blame the little guy. He's kind of afraid of Satan himself.

There's a dramatic pause that makes Dean resentful because honestly, he doesn't want to die at the hands of such a cheesy villain, and then Lucifer finally opens his mouth to say something undoubtedly doomy and gloomy.

Before he can get it out, Dean feels the pocket lint take a deep breath and launch itself from his pocket. He snatches it out of the air with a soft, startled noise, but the pocket lint only disappears from inside his fist to reappear alone on the floor between Lucifer and everyone else. It takes another deep breath and... puffs itself up menacingly. To the size of Dean's thumb.

"What are you doing?" Dean hisses in a near-panic, stepping forward to snatch the ridiculous thing up off the floor.

But Lucifer gets to it first. He picks it up and inspects it while the pocket lint squeaks angrily at him and shakes its tiny fists.

"Don't you hurt it," Dean warns in a low voice.

Lucifer scoffs at him. "It's a her." After a beat he adds, "I won't. Can I keep her?"

"No!" Dean says immediately, and Lucifer's eyes narrow.

Sam clears his throat nervously. "Why do you want to?"

"Why wouldn't I want to?" Lucifer asks. "I've always wanted a pet, and I like her."

"Always?" Castiel echoes uncertainly.

"You know how Dad feels about bringing pets into Heaven," Lucifer says, sounding bitter. "But then he let humans have them. I protested against the unfairness, and I think we all know how that went." He sighs regretfully. "I couldn't have pets in Hell either because it's a terrible place to raise them."

Dean stares. "You're saying you rebelled against God because He wouldn't let you have pets?"

"I've always wanted one," Lucifer repeats defiantly.

Dean is about to snap at Lucifer about how he can't have the pocket lint because she doesn't like him, but then he glances at her and sees that she actually kind of does. She's stopped her angry squeaking and is now curled up quite happily around Lucifer's pinky. The other wee baby Cas things have also stopped being terrified and started migrating curiously toward Lucifer. Dean can't help a faint pang of jealousy.

"I'm keeping her," Lucifer declares. "And all of the rest of them, too. Either that, or I'll blow up your sweet Castiel here and wait for the next generation of wee baby Cas things to be born."

"Nobody is blowing Cas up," Dean growls automatically, and doesn't even bother to find it strange that the devil says shit like wee baby Cas things. "And what do you mean, what does blowing him up have to do with anything?"

"Did you really think God collected all the bits of Castiel's grace and put them back together after Raphael blew up him when it would have been so much easier to remake him anew?" Lucifer asks mildly. "When an angel dies on earth, his grace becomes the grass, and the antelope eat the grass--"

Dean groans. "Not you too."

Lucifer just shrugs.

"Well, this explains the resemblance to Cas, I guess," Dean mutters. "Wee baby Cas 2.0 things."

"So, them or Castiel?" Lucifer prompts.

Castiel gives Dean a slightly pleading look.

"Cas," Dean says firmly. As much as he's come to adore his strange wee baby Cas things, there's really no competition. "Just as long as you treat them well and don't come near Cas or destroy the world or anything."

"I won't," Lucifer promises, practically rocking on his heels.

There's a pause before Sam asks incredulously, "Really?"

"Really. Why does everyone think I want to destroy the world anyway?"

"Because you're Satan?" Sam offers.

Lucifer sniffs. "Rumors of my evilness have been greatly exaggerated."

"Shut up," Dean snaps, and Lucifer shuts up. "Look, before you go, I need to tell you a few things. Remember to always wear shirts with pockets, okay? And the manatees get lonely if you ignore them for too long, so spend some time with them every day. Grow out your hair a bit for the koalas. Oh, also, the ducks--"

"They're geese," Lucifer interrupts him gently.

Dean closes his mouth and blinks. Then he mutters, "I hate everyone."

***

Lucifer lets the wee baby Cas things visit occasionally -- not because Dean mopes without them, of course, because Dean never mopes -- and Dean is delighted whenever the lint appears in his pocket.

The other wee baby Cas things seem to follow her lead, like she's their goddess or their idol or something. Dean thinks it's kind of creepy, but since they all seem well cared for and happy, he supposes he doesn't have too much to complain about. Castiel doesn't complain either because it means he can hug something.

When the wee baby Cas things aren't around, Castiel takes to hugging Dean and Sam instead, like he needs his fix. It's awkward because neither of them ever see him coming; one moment they're eating or researching or something, and the next moment Castiel is there in their personal space, hugging them. Then he's gone in an embarrassed rush before they can do more than yelp.

Until one day, three weeks after the world didn't end, Dean catches him before he disappears and hugs him back.

Castiel goes stiff in his arms, clearly startled, and Dean smirks and murmurs, "'Lo, Cas."

It's a mark of how weird their lives are that he's not even surprised when Castiel relaxes into him and little chocolate hearts start raining gently down around them.

Later, Sam discovers that he gets gummy bears when he hugs Castiel.

Both of them decide they definitely like Castiel 1.0 best.

fin.