BSG 4x14 Parody

[tracy_loo_who]

At some point while writing this parody, a GIANT FREAKING BAT got into my room somehow and started flying in circles around my head. Quite alarming, I assure you, but after a few minutes I calmed down and stopped minding so much (except when it got too close, which it did on several occasions, at which points I flailed in a spectacularly undignified fashion, but we won't go into that). Actually it was sort of cute, you know, all pointy nose and perky ears and trying to cling to the slippery round smoke detector but falling off. Less impressive was the time it crashed into the wall and actually landed on my pillow, especially since I'd just done laundry today, but such is my life.

Then I asked myself, "Self, what to do about this here bat?" ..Naturally, the only logical conclusion was to take a picture of said bat and macro the shit out of it.



If that's not proof that BSG is awesome, I don't know what the frak is.

OPENING SEQUENCE: *will probably never be seen again* D:

	GAETA: I shoot you down now, kay? ROSLIN: I'm gonna kick your ass, you frakker. BALTAR: *feels neglected* If you two are going to fight, at least fight over ME. Hmph.
	KELLY: All your asses are belong to me! TIGH: ...Our epic last stand just got reduced to the setup of a bad bondage porno. ADAMA: Or a bad whumpage fic.
	NARCHO: Shoot that raptor! HOTDOG: Don't you wanna know who it is first? NARCHO: I am more interested in proving my loyalty to Gaeta 'cause man, have you gotten a whiff of that man's pheromones lately? HOTDOG: Apparently not. Babysitting isn't very conducive to pheromone-whiffing.
	ROSLIN: Don't you dare shoot me, bitchboys. GAETA: Gage, jam that transmission like you mean it! GAGE: *jams* Look how quickly and eagerly I learn to please Gaeta. Narcho, get in line.
	KELLY: Both of you can get in line. I've got the greatest present of all for Gaeta. GAETA: Oooh, Adama! Gimme! KELLY: ...You were just using me to get to Adama? :(
	GAETA: Will you just shoot her down already, Hotdog? HOTDOG: Didn't we already establish that I haven't whiffed your pheromones? Sorry, buddy. 'Sides, EJO is my father, and let me tell you, that man is fairly terrifying when angry. NARCHO: You're in this mutiny too, you know. HOTDOG: There's a difference between 'rebellious teenager phase' and 'murdering mommy'...
	NARCHO: My moment to shine, then. Gaeta, Gaeta, watch me! *does fancy rollover and shoots* GAGE: HAH. He missed! GAETA: *unimpressed* I'm glad the writers picked Hoshi to be my boyfriend and not you, Narcho. NARCHO: D:
	ROSLIN: I turn to cylons for protection from the humans. NO ONE: *sees anything odd about this* SIX: We should jump. ROSLIN: No, we shouldn't! BALTAR: Still not fighting over me. :(
	KELLY: Here's Adama. Now that you've got him, I bet you're just going to ignore me, aren't you? GAETA: So, Adama, ready to see who's got the bigger balls? ADAMA: *starts taking things off* GAETA: ...I suspect I will need moral support after all. Kelly! KELLY: *perks up*! GAETA: Bring me Zarek. KELLY: :(
	ZAREK: *tells joke* RACETRACK: I am only pretending it's funny 'cause I'm using you to get to Gaeta.
	KARA/LEE: *are not happy about being interrupted*
	HERA: Bad whumpage fic makes me sad. :(
	SAM: Both of the other men in here have sexy women fussing over them. Hmph. So much for the comfort half of this epic hurt/comfort fic. TIGH: Gaeta's writing this one. You won't get any comfort till your frakking leg gets cut off.
	ZAREK: Let's just hurry and get to the good parts. GAETA: But I like to take it slow. ZAREK: What if I tilt my head and give you puppy dog eyes? GAETA: Dude, if I'd wanted cute, I would've stuck with Hoshi.
	CHIEF: *hides* Don't make me babysit my kid anymore, I don't wanna! Hotdog's kid, rather. FANS: Perhaps you'd like a chart to keep it straight, bb?
	ROMO: Someone feed my dog before he dies plz. MARINE: Say, aren't you the one who sees dead cats? I wonder if it's the sunglasses. *snatches* I miss my poor little Mrs. Furball.
	GAETA: Finally time to find out whose is bigger. ADAMA: I'm gonna shove it up your ass, you know that, right? ZAREK: As Gaeta's bf, I will be the perfect, unbiased judge. ROMO: And I'm here because...? ADAMA: You're the pimp. ROMO: In that case, I shall need a moment alone with you. You know, to get you ready and all. GAETA: I knew we should've picked someone with a less attractive accent.
	ROSLIN: *yells and bitches in corner* CYLONS: *summarily ignore her* LEOBEN: I've decided to tap into my prissy side ever since Kara out-crazied me.
	FANS: Another ass!shot! Guess you're still hiding? CHIEF: What, is it obvious or something?
	ZAREK: I brought you here as a present for my bf. QUORUM: But we are so annoying! ZAREK: Oh yeah, good point. Marines!
	QUORUM: *less annoying now* FANS: ...It's a frakking good thing Starbuck came to get her Apollo before this happened...
	GAETA: Dead government officials? Really? ZAREK: Happy Valentine's Day? GAETA: Omg, my new bf's a psycho murderer. D:
	CHIEF: They'll never find me in here. No one would believe I'd actually fit. NO ONE: ...*is sort of right*
	CYLONS: We're leaving. ROSLIN: Adama will be disappointed in you. CYLONS: And we should care because..? ROSLIN: Because he is God, duh. Those who have faith will be rewarded and those who don't shall suffer. So who you wanna be? FANS: Religious fervor not so easy on the grammar skills, huh? CYLONS: ...Well, looks like Gaeta and Zarek aren't the only ones who take advantage of people's fears.
	KELLY: Caught ya. CHIEF: Oh, frak. KELLY: You've obviously been shirking on your babysitting duties, if that afterglow face is anything to go by. CHIEF: Don't make me go back. Just shoot me now. KELLY: Nah, I understand, I hate kids too.
	ADAMA: I am not playing Gaeta's stupid game. ROMO: *checks* You'd obviously be good at it. ADAMA: I'm too old for this shit.
	LEE: I need more weapons. KARA: That dude pissing in there has some. LEE: *whispers* But it's the men's bathroom. KARA: Oh, right. Good point. Here, I'll do it.
	SIX: Hello, Gaius. BALTAR: *_* FANS: *_*
	KARA/LEE: Told you we weren't happy about being interrupted. LEE: Cute trick, eh? KARA: No. LEE: Yep, she thinks I'm cute.
	KARA/LEE: Starbuck and Apollo to the rescue, bitches! HELO: *wakes up* Never let it be said that I don't have good timing. SIX: Hey, Athena, do you mind if I take your daughter to the opera house? ATHENA: Daughter? What daughter?
	RANDOM DUDE: *shoots* KARA: *kills that frakker* SAM: ...*gets shot anyway* KARA: Seriously, Sam? Seriously? SAM: Hah, now you'll have to comfort me. LEE: But we were just beginning to be Starbuck/Apollo again. :( KARA: I have a soft spot for whumpy!Sam, sorry. Go! EVERYONE: *goes*
	GAETA: Mine's bigger. ADAMA: No it's not. ZAREK: Your bff died, Adama. ADAMA: :( GAETA: ...I'm sorry. But mine is bigger. ROSLIN: This is God again. Albeit a much more frantic-sounding one. ZAREK: Why the frak is she still broadcasting? GAETA: Ugh, Gage fails at life.
	LEOBEN: Remember, kids, prissy does not equal not creepy.
	KARA: ...Okay, when I said "go!" I didn't mean everyone should go...
	ROMO: Hey, see this pen? MARINE: Yes? ROMO: Eat it. With your neck. MARINE: Why? ROMO: Cause I want my frakking sunglasses back. MARINE: Kay. KARA: Help me get him to Cottle! ROMO: Nah. My sunglasses... KARA: :( ROMO: Frak. Sorry, sunglasses, we'll have a proper reunion ASAP, I promise.
	GAETA: Let you in on a little secret, Narcho. You >> Gage. That's why I'm trusting you to take Adama down to the launch tube. NARCHO: *preens* You can count on me, sir! GAETA: Spying on me, Tom? ZAREK: We can get through this, Felix. GAETA: I think 'psycho murderer' is a little more serious than a rough relationship patch.
	KELLY: Why am I still trying to impress Gaeta? He'll never want me the way I want him. *emo tears*
	FANS: Hi there, Chief! CHIEF: You can't see me! I'm hiding my face!
	LEE: I'm gonna frak you if you don't tell me where my daddy is. Literally. KELLY: Actually that doesn't sound like a bad idea... Except on second thought Gaeta would be even more pissed if I told. Oooh, Hell hath no fury like an emo man scorned!
	SIX: *in bed with Baltar* BALTAR: *has dreams about Adama* FANS: That is not unsettling at all. SIX: I want to make you feel better. BALTAR: My fanclub may be stupid, but at least they fight over me, and now they need me. I choose this moment to develop a conscience. FANS: That is not unsettling at all.
	ROSLIN: I'm in ur radio again, stealin' more bitchboys. ZAREK: She's even harder to shut up than the frakking quorum. Why bother?
	FANS: Omfg, are you seriously going to sit in the chair? Srsly? GAETA: Not until he's dead. Narcho... do it.
	NARCHO: You know how I said you could count on me? Well, there was a clause that goes "only if there aren't any guns being pointed at my head".. sorry, my survival instincts pwn even your pheromones. ADAMA: BFF! I thought you were dead! TIGH: For awhile I was, Bill. ADAMA: ..Dude, this is my grand return, not our chick flick moment.
	FANS: Omfg, you sat in the chair. !! This is what sealed your fate, Felix. D:
	ZAREK: Guess what, Laura? Bill's dead. FANS: ...And this is what sealed your fate, Tom. ROSLIN: *is really frakking scary* GAETA: Uh. I think it's in our best interests to get the frak out of here ASAP. And I'm really smart, so you should listen to me.
	ADAMA: Since Narcho trusted all these men to shoot me, they must be a real trustworthy bunch. Clearly, then, I ought to trust them.
	CHIEF: They can't make me babysit if my hands are bleeding, right?
	GAGE: FTL went bye bye! GAETA: ... ZAREK: Get a crew to the engine room! NO ONE: *listens* ZAREK: Gaeta! Launch your birds! Wake up! Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point! GAETA: ...I knew I shouldn't have sat in the chair. :(
	ADAMA: Now that I've made my grand return, the only logical thing to do is to call my gf. Whee!
	OMINOUS CLOSEUP OF CRACK: I am not ominously foreshadowy at all. At all!
	ADAMA/ROSLIN: Our relationship has evolved beyond the point of requiring words.
	GAETA: Oh Gaius, I'd almost forgotten how happy you can make me. BALTAR: Oh, Felix! FANS: ...Why was the lead-in to this scene cut? GAETA: You were always the one I wanted to live in a food-shaped house with, you know that, right? BALTAR: I know. I know you, Felix. Everyone else thought it was just the pheromones, but I know the truth. You're a veela!
	LAST SCENE: *Totally Didn't Happen*

The end.